WingWoman

Ten Rules for Being Human

2011-08-26T17:03:00.002-05:00

Ten Rules for Being Human
by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

long time no ramble...

2011-07-19T10:57:00.000-05:00

it's been an age since I've rambled....

I haven't had to, really. I mean, my life has just been so full, so much - that even when the words come, when they float across my brain...well, I just breathe them in, and out...and then the moment passes.

I'm doing well...remarkably well, actually. I'm settled into my new life here in Hong Kong, and I have very few complaints. Granted, it would be nice if I spoke Cantonese, but as I really don't want to speak Cantonese nor Mandarin, well, I won't complain about it.

I suppose if I were to truly complain about anything it would be the weather...it's raining here - overcast and grey...day after day after day...it will be that way for another few weeks, I daresay...and then it will be sunny again.

I am learning the weather patterns of SE Asia...and that, well, that says something.

And I've recently had two very dear people pop back into my life, Julie and Tim...two people who haven't crossed my mind for a while but once upon a time meant so much - and then, poof! There they are.

It is a truly awesome thing how some of the most extraordinary people come and go from my small life.

I've often wondered if, and whom, would stay.

After 38 years on this blue planet, I may have found the answer. He's my rock, my playmate, my best friend...how in the world I managed to get so lucky...well, all I can say is that it's about damn time!

In any case, for reasons I can't quite explain, I was drawn back to something I scribbled in December 2007...2007...it was a very good year methinks...and I am tickled pink at the moment of reflection...credos are important, and necessary....

http://mindcandyswitch.blogspot.com/2007/12/little-inspiration.html

there is something I realized tonight, re-reading something I scribbled way back when ...something I only think I knew then, something I know now...that it's not just that Margaret is proud of me, it's that I'm proud of me.

And it's Tuesday...

mitzpah.

round the world and back again

2011-02-09T15:05:00.003-05:00

so it's 4 a.m. HKT and I can't sleep...

well, that's not quite true, I mean I have been sleeping since 9 p.m. - it's just when the jet lag kicks in with me, it seriously kicks in with me.

I'm also more than a bit wired...it's been a crazy couple of weeks and I think the whole enormity of it is washing over on me. I mean, we live in Hong Kong for heaven's sakes...that statement alone is enough to put some people over the edge...and here it is something that I say practically everyday. What's fascinating about it though is that none of it scares me...I actually enjoy living here in Hong Kong and I love being apart of us...but then sometimes, when I go back to where I was...back to the places and spaces I've recently trod upon...New York, Bethlum, Charleston, Syracuse...well, there is a strange sense of displacement.

I know that I don't necessarily belong to any one place anymore...I'm kind of all over the place now...a "citizen of the world" is not a bad thing to be...and there is so much that we are planning to see in the next few months...Ankor Wat, Bali and Mongolia are on the calendar for pleasure and Tokyo, Beijing and Singapore are scheduled for work...it's all rather exciting, actually.

And it was a good trip home...no, make that a VERY good trip home. Peter has officially become a part of my family - although the marriage part is a few months off still, we crossed more than a few bridges with my clan that will help ease the transition. I'm actually terribly proud of him and myself for the way we handled a number of situations...even I have to admit that Fred can be difficult sometimes...no one will ever be "good enough" for her little girl. And I get that - I really do get that...but on another level, I'm like - hey! this is MY life - and I choose whom I get to spend it with. Further, I think I know a little bit more about the id-jits who are out there, and I finally, FINALLY found someOne who loves me as much as I love him...no small feat in this universe.

In any case, I'll do my best to chronicle our adventures Stateside in the next few days...unfortunately, I didn't take nearly as many pictures as I thought I would...in part because it's all so familiar to me that I didn't feel the need to take pictures...

but I do feel the need to ramble - and so I do...

I also just got off the phone with a headhunter from NYC...in a strange and wonderful way I am overjoyed and humbled...a recruiter I met over 10 years ago remembered me and sought me out via LinkedIn. It seems that he has the "next exciting career opportunity for me" and indeed, he might. The only problem is that it would require a relocation back to the concrete canyons of Manhattan, and I'm not so sure that is something I want to do. Granted the money would be huge...I mean, I have hit the big leagues now...and not to sound crass, but holy crap, Batman...a firm not balking at a quarter of a million comp package is a grand and glorious thing...especially in this economy...

I do, however, have a ton of thinking to do about something like this should we continue to move forward...and perhaps this is where I'll put my thoughts about all stuff career for a bit. I do love my job here - I thoroughly enjoy the people and the places and the potential of the place...

so we'll see...

for now, though I'm am just so content to be here...rambling in the wee small hours about this marvelous adventure called life...and what's even better than that is that I have a man who wants to be with me, no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing...

how the hell did I get so lucky????

fascinating fact

2011-01-23T02:55:00.001-05:00

this from London Jon...

This year we will experience 4 unusual dates ... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ...

Now go figure this out ~ take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it will be equal to 111.

personally, I've always found it rather neat that I was born at 11:11 EST...something about that always just felt right...

cross reference

2011-01-22T01:31:00.003-05:00

not going to duplicate efforts...so when I feel like rambling about our travels, I'll do it over at W&W...http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/orion1129/1/1295651984/tpod.html

...but the rest of the time, I'll be here. Peter is thrilled that we have a place to share together...but this place will always be mine alone....it's too much mine for me to share.

In any case, I'm doing well...sick today, but that's due to a long week of work and not taking very good care of myself...I have a shortened work-week up ahead and then a much needed vacation thereafter...

I'm officially "settled-in" to our new home here on what was once the other side of the world for me...I tell ya, if anyone would have told me 10 years ago that I'd be living here I'd have thought them batty...and yet, here I am...

and here, at the moment, I'm just exhausted...time for more of Peter's scrumptious soup and then a nap...

just gotta love these lazy Saturdays...

I happen to...miss...New York...

2011-01-18T09:39:00.000-05:00

over the river...

2011-01-14T20:50:00.002-05:00

so today we're taking the ferry to the Cotai Strip...Fiona, Peter and I have decided we need a change of scenery - and it certainly helps that we scored some free tickets to the Zaia show :-)

It's been a crazy busy week at the office, so it'll be absolutely grand to have some downtime with my two favorite people in HK...

more, perhaps, later.

mitzpah

Now that is saying something...

2011-01-13T08:46:00.002-05:00

John F. Kennedy held a dinner in the White House for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at that time. He made this statement: "This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever to gather at one time in the White House with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone."

Who the devil knows if he actually said that or not, but oh, it is a grand insult if ever I heard one.

In any case, life is good right now - cold, but good.

No one prepared me for the fact that Hong Kong is actually more than a wee bit nippy in the New Year...I'm kinda sorta prepared - but not really...

It is nice to know that there are actually seasons here - beyond the "rainy" and "Africa-hot" seasons that is...but really...someone could have prepared me a bit better. I mean it's just tipping 10 degrees here these days...and that is a wee bit nippy in my book when you're not prepared.

Ah well - I shall not complain overmuch...I'm doing remarkably well on the work-front these days...impressed some of the big wigs of late, so that's a good thing...and I am very much looking forward to a week back in the States...I don't miss "home" much though - life really is that good here...but it will be good to be back amongst family for a spell...because family...well, no matter where I roam, there really is no place like family.

Ever.

so I'm a little late this year...

2011-01-08T04:27:00.002-05:00

it's a little difficult to "celebrate" Christmas when it's almost 70 and the sun is shining...and less the 4% of the population celebration the auspicious occasion...but oh, I loved this...

turtle doves

2011-01-07T15:26:00.002-05:00

By Claire Cruickshank 5:26PM GMT 06 Jan 2011

December 2010: thousands of dead crabs washed up along Kent coast

30 December: up to 100,000 dead drum fish over a 20-mile stretch of the Arkansas River, 200km northwest of Little Rock discovered

31 December 2010: 3,000 of red-winged blackbirds rained from sky in Arkansas town of Bebe.

3 January 2011: 500 dead and dying red-winged-blackbirds fell into Louisiana highway in Pointe Coupee Parish

3 January 40,000 dead ‘devil crabs’ washed up on Thanet beaches in Kent
nager Sir Alex Ferguson to mould team around Anderson and Rafael in radical revamp

4 January: 100 jackdaw birds found lying dead on the road in Falkoping, Southeastern Sweden.

4 January 2011: hundreds of dead eyeless snapper washed up on numerous Coromandel Peninsula beaches

5 January: several hundred birds found dead in Western Kentucky 200 birds found dead on highway bridge in Texas
_________

ummm....what the devil is going on? I've been doing whatever reading I can on these weird incidents and I tell ya, I'm not a doomsday type of gal...but these events are disturbing....

Not sure why I'm up at 3 a.m. either...it happens sometimes and I deal with it, but gosh, reading this information is just unsettling....

Very cool new technology

2011-01-01T21:14:00.001-05:00

these from my first week in Hong Kong earlier this year :-)

amazing how far technology has come...

Hong Kong 2010 Slideshow: Orion1129’s trip from Shenzhen, Guangdong, China to Hong Kong was created by TripAdvisor. See another Hong Kong slideshow. Create a free slideshow with music from your travel photos.

Quantitative Easing and the Ben Bernanke...

2010-12-30T06:20:00.002-05:00

just for giggles...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTUY16CkS-k

tomorrow we're off for another leisurely hike...because I took the day off...just because I can...yay!

Oh, and I've decided to launch another blog - a travel blog - so I can link pictures and whatnot...details on that one soon...

Kocham cie

2010-12-28T10:07:00.002-05:00

Holidays in Hong Kong

2010-12-27T07:23:00.005-05:00

Christmas morning...Nim Shue Wan...it's a beautiful thing.

If anyone would have ever told me that my first Christmas tree as an adult would be in the New Territories, I would have laughed at them...but there you have it. And oh, it was a beautiful Christmas day...granted, the afternoon as lousy weather-wise, and I was still recovering from an over-the-top meal at Peter's sister's home...but oh, it is good to have family around at the holidays...

Unfortunately, tomorrow morning I must get up and go back to work...oh, what I would give for one more day of doing nothing...but work is good - and so it's not too much of a chore to return to the office.

In any case, I'm contemplating starting a travel blog to catalog all the journeys we've been taking of late...I have so many pictures to post and it would be grand to publish them somewhere other than Facebook. I'm toying with TravelBlog.com, but still working out the kinks - I'm still not Mac-fluent and it's frustrating...

ah well - tired now...going to bring Peter a glass of port and turn in early tonight...methinks an early to bed, early to rise is a good way to begin the workweek...especially when we have such spectacular sunrises over Nim Shue Wan.

Yau Ma Tei ...

2010-12-11T06:19:00.006-05:00

so today we trekked over to the Jade Market in search of baubles for the holidays...and managed to stumble upon Tin Hau Temple...

and oh, I liked it there...I liked it there a lot...

and oddly enough my favorite snap of all...on so many levels...

I had a good day...a very, very good day...did a hell of a lot of walking...and a lot of shopping...the holidays are coming, I hear - not that I'm in much of a holiday-mode, I mean, it's 70 degrees here everyday...rather difficult to conjure up images of sleighs and reindeer...but I'm trying...I am trying.

The best news of all, though, is that our "stuff" has finally arrived from stateside - so it is good to be settling in...hard sometimes, to believe that this is actually "home" - but home it is, and I am so very, very proud of me.

And I've decided to re-engage my Japanese - because I was good at it once, because I have a team there who will humour me in my efforts, and then there is the fact that it feels right...a wee bite easier than French, too...

I daresay I like it here...I like it very, very much.

along came a spider

2010-12-05T03:03:00.004-05:00

Regret I've been a lousy blogger of late...it's in part due to the 38 performance evaluations I've been scribbling into the wee hours of the night - and oh, then there's the fact that I've been in Tokyo for the last week.

It was a grand adventure...stayed at an over the top hotel just a stone's throw from the office...and spent most of the week trying to recall all the conversational Japanese I was so familiar with almost twenty years ago.

I am also proud and pleased as punch to report that I actually enjoyed sushi for the first time - my two favorite teammates in town took Peter and I out to Gonpachi, which is where there were scenes from Kill Bill filmed - not that I've seen Kill Bill - but apparently, it's quite the place. And oh, it was...and the croquettes were out of this world.

I found Tokyo very similar in look and feel to Manhattan - except cleaner, much much cleaner. And the natives are much friendlier...and the toilet seats are heated...and there is an elegance about the place...a respect, a discipline - something which my homeland lacks...

Oh, and English is hardly spoken there...and although it's easy enough to navigate about, one must be armed with conversational Japanese or be content with being silent, smiling and nodding for days...

Japan is also an incredibly expensive city - but fortunately, my raison d'tre, who knows me far, far too well - stumbled on an amazing thrift shoppe...and so now I am the proud owner of a gorgeous noren curtain with a hand painted cherry blossom branch motif, and of not one, not two, but three kimonos...and one, an uchikake (wedding overcoat) is a gorgeous piece of silk and satin that is embroidered to perfection...and oh, I am so looking forward to hanging it above our Indian table dining room table...now that I am finally back home...

home...

in Discovery Bay...

where I rise every morning to the most magnificent sunrise...

someday I may even take a picture or two - because I am so very, very proud of this home, this space we have made ours...

our home is absolutely a bit of this and that...with lace curtains and dark woods and a Buddhist pine, which doubles for a Christmas tree...and oh yes...the BYU Men's Choir wafts on the island air...reminding us that we are so very, very lucky to be alive...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prayer_of_the_Children

Disco Bay

2010-11-27T06:00:00.002-05:00

Happiness...yes, I have indeed achieved that...so much so that I haven't felt the need to ramble for a bit - well, that and the fact that I'm just so damned busy lately.

I have 14 direct reports in my new role and 24 dotted-line reports and it's a handful - a serious handful. 12 hour days are the norm now...with a ferry ride to and from...

no serious complaints though - I mean, I'm off to Tokyo for a week on Monday...leaving on a jet plane on the anniversary of my birth...and accompanying me is a man I adore...a man who stands by me...come what may...and it's grand, I tell ya..it's just grand.

All sorts of fun news in the last month too...I've a new nephew...Theodore Richard...can't say that I'm particularly fond of the name - but he's all his fingers and toes and he's beautiful...and Blondie and John are well - so all is well there.

must dine now...Peter has prepared a veritable feast and I'm late to the table...

more on the morrow perhaps after our jaunt to Peng Chau...

don't push the river

2010-10-30T07:02:00.006-05:00

so methinks today I found my wedding present for Peter...I'm so damn practical these days that it quiets me...

it'll take three months to arrive...

...perfect and ironic, timing...

reclaimed teak...it weighs a ton...and just like my Sebastian Monkey, it has taken an age to arrive and yet it's not going anywhere...

have I mentioned today that I am loved? That I love? That I finally have someOne who doesn't lie to me, who couldn't lie to me...indeed, the only lying he ever does is with me...horizontally...and soon and soon enough on the reclaimed teak bed I'm going to be spending a fortune on...but it's worth it, and he's worth it.

I ate my way through the apple that was Manhattan once...and now I'm here.

It's just like NYC - and yet it's more. For one thing, it's cleaner - and the people are kinder. Indeed, today I even met two Aussies who are pointing me in good directions when it comes to all things grape-juice. See, I'm terribly clueless when it comes to Australian wines - the Napa Cabernets that have become my signature would cost far, far too much to import here - and so I'm learning about the Margaret River and Coonnawarra and all places and spaces NZ...it's rather a good thing to find those so knowledgeable...about fresh oysters and wagyu beef and cheese...oh dear Lord, the cheese here...yummers is too small a word...

And, too, I find that I'm back into the rugby-scene...the All-Blacks are all the rage here, and I daresay that is a sport I can see myself following more often than not - I did so, once upon a time, in a grand little pub called Nelson Blue in the wee small hours of the morning.

wow...so far I've come...I often wonder how far I've yet to go...but once upon a time I was the young girl who was ringing a certain redhead as I walked out of Puck Fair contemplating a trip to South Street Seaport and yet...hoping upon hope that he was still at the office...because I needed to be North...to feel him, to taste him...to be his...and yet now I'm here, on the other side of the world. I am no one's but my own.

I've always been mine. Mine. And now Peter's. I am Peter's now. Best friend and lover. Fiance. And soon...Wife.

How long I've aspired to four letters.

Hope.

Something...someone...to hold me...to contain all the words that I am and aspire to be.

And those mental photographs...precious memories...the lass I once was...past. All past. I am so much more now - and oh, I can't tell you how good it feels to know that no matter where I am, no matter who I am, that this extraordinary man has my back...

the very least I could do is buy the man a bed. *grins*

*grins fiercely*

I stopped today...I paused...stood a moment on the bank of the delta between here and there...and oh, I'm not so sure about all the choices I have made - because they haven't all been wise ones...and yet, I am here, the sum of all that I have chosen thus far...I daresay that I could not have imagined my life's rich tapestry...all these colours...all these facets. How I've been so graced, I've no idea, but oh, I am so honoured...so blessed.

I am in such a good space now - so confident, but n'er complacent.

and it's possible that everything is getting better - wow...as if that's actually possible...

but I remain cognizant that there is a path here that I am only beginning to know.

And oh, the simple joy that I'm finally able to be here again, the mercurial WingWoman that I am - and it's so much like coming home...

mitzpah.

South Horizon

2010-10-29T19:43:00.002-05:00

So today I'm trekking to someplace called South Horizons in Ap Lei Chau - it seems there is a shopping mecca there of sorts for furniture, and I'm in much need of furniture.

I'll admit that everything has gone swimmingly well since I've arrived - I finally received my HKID - which is essentially a driver's license of sorts here. It was an incredibly efficient process however, far, far better than any DMV I've ever wasted hours at. I'm sure that some of my success has been due to the fact that I'm gweilo (the Cantonese slang for foreigner) - I also tend to play the dumb blonde well - as in, I have no idea what I'm doing here, can you please help me...I'm sure that my sincerity helps too...

Well, whatever it is, I sailed through the acquisition of my papers to stay in town for the next year and am the proud owner of a new ID card - so now the powers that be know that I'm here and can monitor my comings and goings.

I've also picked up the latest and greatest i-phone. Still learning how to play with my new toy...at some point this weekend I'll sit down and program in the phone numbers and contact information of my team. It's hard to believe that I now have 34 direct reports. I'm a little overwhelmed by the sheer volume of work that I have to do these days - definitely a contributing factor to my limited rambling here. Seriously, the LAST thing I want to be doing is looking at a computer screen at the end of a 14 hour day...I barely have the energy to pour a glass of wine, cut a slice of cheese and watch just one more episode of 24.

I swear, I'm getting old.

Life is incredibly good though - I'm so busy here that I barely have a moment to myself - even my "down-time" is all about making friends and establishing myself here. I must admit that everyone here is a billion times friendlier than NYC is - I think it's in part because so many of us are in the same boat...strangers in strange land...fortunately, my team is anxious to teach me Cantonese and Mandarin - and I'm anxious to learn, too - so this helps break down walls too.

Unfortunately, I've haven't much of an ear at all for the two languages - but I am going to make a definitive effort - and that, well, that will be something, eh?

And yes, I, too am still more than a little shocked that I'm here. It's been a whirlwind of a past few weeks and months...closing up one life - moving from my lovely brownstone into temporary housing in NYC and then temporary housing here...I tell ya, I will be so very, very happy when I can sleep in the place that will be home for longer than a few weeks...

Unfortunately, there's been a slight delay with the cargo ship - so everything will most likely arrive when I'm in Tokyo - but oh, well, I've done without some of those items for so long now that I'm not terribly worried.

I am, however, in need of a few sweaters - because it is a wee bit cooler here than I thought it would be - so I'm off to this South Horizon place to acquire a jacket and a couple of sweaters - and to look at furniture...I'm 99% sure that I've figured out the couch and the bed...now I need a desk and something resembling a kitchen table.

I splurged on down comforters last weekend, so I'll be a bit more reserved in my shopping adventures this weekend...after all, Peter will have my head if I go over budget. I'm turning into quite the little miser these days...with visions of Vietnamese beaches dancing in my brain it's easy to pinch pennies...

just have to work on pinching my waistline too- cause there are bikinis to wear all year long here...argh - what a wretched thought ...so not going there today. No, today is about a couple of sweaters and a proper trench, and who else knows what I'll find...

will tell

2010-10-28T07:29:00.005-05:00

So I think I can spill the beans now...and if I'm a bit quicker to the chase than I should be - well, here it is...

I've relocated to Hong Kong.

Indefinitely.

Yeppers. That gal who never lived more than four hours or so from Fred and My Father's house has officially cut the cord.

I've a flat in Central for the time being and am awaiting news from my realtor to finalize some papers for something bigger and better...and then home, well, home will be a lovely flat in Discovery Bay in the New Territories for the next two years...just a short ferry ride away from the concrete canyons of Hong Kong Island...and oh, I am just so proud of me.

Margaret Celeste the Expat...

And there is a man somewhere, my rock...and he loves me, he loves me so much that he let me take this big leap, and what's even more remarkable is that he loves me even more for it.

SomeOne.

Yep.

I've got that - and then some.

And now I'm here. Here. In Hong Kong. The People's Republic of China. Indefinitely. Doing what I do...doing what I do best...whatever the hell that is.

And in December, I'll be in Japan for a while...and then in January, I'll see myself in Singapore...and then Korea...and Vietnam...and Sydney...and all the places that were just spots on the map will now be part and parcel of my dna.

I swear, I feel so good it should be a Tuesday...but it's a Thursday - and Thursdays aren't half bad, either.

I aspired to live an extraordinary life and I am doing exactly that - breathing in...

and out...

*grins*

gonna go back to tapping my toes now...more, I'm absolutely 100% certain, to follow...

mitzpah

_____

Gonna put the world away for a minute
Pretend I don't live in it
Sunshine gonna wash my blues away
Had sweet love but I lost it
Got too close so I fought it
Now I'm lost in the world tryin to find me a better way

Wishin' I was
Knee Deep in the water somewhere
got the blue sky, breeze and it don't seem fair
the only worry in the world
is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise, there's a fire in the sky
never been so happy
never felt so high
and I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise

Wrote a note, said "Be back in a minute"
Bought a boat and I sailed off in it
Don't think anybodies gonna miss me anyway
Mind on a permanent vacation
The ocean is my only medication
Wishin' my condition aint ever gonna go away

Now I'm knee deep in the water somewhere
Got the blue sky breeze blowin' wind thru my hair
Only worry in the world
is the tide gonna reach my chair
[ Knee Deep lyrics from
http://www.lyricsyoulove.com/z/zac_brown_band/knee_deep/ ] Sunrise, there's a fire in the sky
never been so happy
never felt so high
and I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise

This champagne shore watchin' over me
It's a sweet sweet life livin' by the salty sea
One day you can be as lost as me
Change your geography and maybe you might be

Knee deep in the water somewhere
got the blue sky breeze blowin' wind thru my hair
only worry in the world
is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise, there's a fire in the sky
never been so happy
never felt so high
and I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise

Come on in
the waters nice
find yourself a little slice
grab a backpack
otherwise you'll never know until you try
when you lose yourself
you find a key to paradise

Typhoon Megi

2010-10-21T09:56:00.003-05:00

So I've taken a new job. Well, it's the same job actually - a lateral move of sorts - and yet it's a rather massive promotion in others. I've never been one much for titles and fanfare, well, except for the nice big leap to Managing Director once upon a time...more importantly I daresay that I'm getting closer and closer to the time and space where I can get back to my old self of rambling regularly...

time...

all he asked for is time...and time...well, time is one of my favorite four letters...and so time he has.

I daresay all in all that I am very well. I am thoroughly embracing my new job, my new life. Lots of new faces. Lots of people who are so very, very happy that I have come back to them. And oh, there is such joy in coming back, and being embraced in turn.

I've also managed to secure a new home...on a Tuesday nonetheless. And even better is that Peter is pleased, too. We are building our life together, and that, oh that is just grand.

Fred is finally starting to come around to us too - which is a blessing. I figured she would - it was just a matter of time.

Time...

Something I've learned more than a little about this decade that I've been rambling herein.

I am so proud of the lessons I have learned, of all the knowledge I have absorbed and even the pain I've known - because it has made me stronger...it has made me more than I even imagined possible...and I am here...and that, well, that is just huge. Talk about taking a leap of faith and being all in.

I'm reinventing myself in the best way I know how...

and I praise Allah, and Margaret, and every soul I've ever seen...

and even to One Republic, because I do love tapping my toes to a simple, infectious beat....

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

[Chorus]

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

[Verse 2]

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can' t jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

[Bridge 1]

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

[Bridge 2]

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

trump

2010-10-11T16:34:00.015-05:00

Hello Dani

I do hope this finds you well - as I am not attending the hearing today, I thought to drop you a note prior to the proceedings.

As an interested third party to the event, I want you to know that I love both Peter and G dearly, and concede that the majority of the hearing is between you and Peter. I'm almost content to let sleeping dogs lie - however, Peter shared with me once that you have been collecting kindergeld fraudulently for years. I found it an interesting fact as I've not heard of this practice before, and secured an attorney stateside to investigate. Though I would never wish to prevent as much as is due G for his general care, I have no tolerance for liars and cheats, and further, I do tend to protect my own interests - so I thought to alert you that I may advance counsel with my request to send correspondence to some additional interested parties in Germany.

I've been torn between two lessons previously learned in my life: apathy and that revenge is a dish best served ice cold... and so I've kept my peace...

But I am no longer content to remain idle.

We all want the best for G, but I daresay that it could be achieved with a fiscally responsible and considered resolution and not the monstrous sums you seem to think are feasible. I am praying that the judge will be fair today and thought to give you something to think about as well. You may have brought suit, but you are not the only one with a hand at this table. By the by, neither Peter nor G. is aware of either this correspondence nor my decision to retain counsel. There are consequences to every action - I've chosen mine and can only pray that you will choose yours as thoughtfully.

MCD, Esq.

I honestly wonder when I became such a bitch. I didn't intend to become this way - and yet, I find at times that I just can't help myself...in any case, I'm so close to sending this...so very, very close...

but I didn't send it.

Because I'm a big believer in fate, and so I let sleeping dogs lie...

And then I called counsel and the IRS (it's more than a little amazing how many people I have in my LinkedIn rolodex) - because if you're going to wage war, you wage war.

Dani will get what's coming to her - and it doesn't really hurt that I help it along a bit.

I'm only sorry that Gregory and Peter will be the ones to suffer in all of this. But for good or for ill, Gregory will know from whence his pain originated...and she'll have to live with it every day. I'm almost tempted, almost, to encourage Peter to launch a suit for custody. I've a sneaky feeling it won't be necessary. Gregory is a smart cookie, and sooner than later he'll want to freedom of living with Peter and me...we won't need a lawyer to convince the court of it, he'll just ask and we'll just have it happen and that is just fine with me. It's not so strange at all to contemplate eventually being a step-mom...especially to so fine a young man.

Ah well - the good news is that it's finally over. The court has made it's decision and although it is not a fair one, it is what it is. Peter will wind up liquidating his 401(k)s at some point and we'll just tighten the belt a bit for a while...my next job will have me earning a salary that a family of 10 can live on and then some and the bitch will never be able to touch it. Not that I really care one whit about money - never have and undoubtedly never will...No doubt she'll be back in Germany on the dole...hmmm...wonder who I know at immigration...will have to ring up some old chums at Dechert - been an age since I chatted with Glenn...and I daresay that the German consulate in town could be a grand resource too - just have to make some time. I do wonder how long that greencard of hers is good for...never hurts to have all one's ammunition in place - and from every conceivable angle. Yeppers - hell to pay when you mess with me and mine. And though I'm fond of Richard - her drug-dealing, under-age gambling truant...well, I daresay that's got unfit mother written all over it.

Gosh, I do miss Linda sometimes - she and I would have such a ball decimating this id-jit together...I guess I'll just have to content myself with the knowledge that best of all, Dani won't know where it came from.

No, erase that...I think that's what is the best part of all is that while Peter and I will be lounging on a beach somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon near Blondie and the wee ones sipping my mint juelp and she'll be dealing with mounds of paperwork, massive fines to her and her parents and oh, yeah...deportment. I've got to know someone in government other than at the tax dept and Fed...oh wait - I do. Gotta love working at where I do, we know everyone...

I tell ya - all that heartbreak, all that agony from all those years, it finally gets to a body. And it's officially time to put back on my lawyer's cap and crush those who intentionally do me and mine harm. Fred will be so happy I'm finally putting those three years to use.

Revenge is indeed a dish best served cold.

And the interweb? Oh, the interweb is grand...

More later, indeed...for now I've chaos to create...

One Republic....Secrets

2010-10-11T09:26:00.004-05:00

So you know when you have a song that goes round and round your head?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjl0kriRTvg&playnext=1&videos=CBChAl7VAAo&feature=mfu_in_order

Yep - got one of those today:

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
'Til all my sleeves are stained red

From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

My God, amazing how we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve

And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Sending it straight to gold
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'm 'a tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, all my secrets away

because when the shoe fits, the shoe fits...and you put it on and you go for a walkabout.

Someday I might even make it to Australia for that there walkabout...one never knows these days...after all, I'm capable of just about everything...and I know it, and so I step...one foot afront the other.

It's a truly grand life when one stops and thinks and muses on it - I honestly don't recall when I felt as good as I do today. And what's incredible is that on top of all the good stuff in my life, I know that it's going to get better...because in just a few weeks, a few days really, my raison d'etre, well, my man - mine...he's taking a leap of faith with me - and I tell ya - it is a remarkable thing. I mean, I have been very, very lucky in love - but now I have a man who has the courage, the strength even, to stand by me. To stand with me. Come what may. It kinda makes all those other idjits look like, well, idiots. Which is a damn shame really, because I loved all those other men...the litany of lovers I have known. And yet, here I am, loved. To the marrow of my bones. And then some. It's a rather incredible feeling. I've been rather speechless about it these past few weeks - in part because it's such a full feeling. And I'm selfish - I haven't wanted to share it.

And to add to the goodness that is my life, well, there is just so much that I want to chronicle...and soon, soon, I'll be able to ramble freely again. It's just a matter of days, really - when all the truth comes out...and I can say with all of the truth that I am how bloody happy I am. Life has finally given me all that and then some.

And because I'm so in a One Republic mode...I leave tapping my toes to this particular piece of yumminess...

For those days we felt like a mistake,
Those times when love’s what you hate,
Somehow,
We keep marching on.

For those nights when I couldn’t be there,
I’ve made it harder to know that you know,
That somehow,
We’ll keep moving on.

There’s so many wars we fought,
There’s so many things we’re not,
But with what we have,
I promise you that,
We’re marching on,
(We’re marching on)
(We’re marching on).

For all of the plans we’ve made,
There isn’t a flag I’d wave,
Don’t care if we bend,
I’d sink us to swim,
We’re marching on,
(We’re marching on)
(We’re marching on).

For those doubts that swirl all around us,
For those lives that tear at the seams,
We know,
We’re not what we’ve seen,

For this dance we’ll move with each other.
There ain’t no other step than one foot,
Right in front of the other.

There’s so many wars we fought,
There’s so many things we’re not,
But with what we have,
I promise you that,
We’re marching on,
(We’re marching on)
(We’re marching on).

For all of the plans we’ve made,
There isn’t a flag I’d wave,
Don’t care if we bend,
I’d sink us to swim,
We’re marching on,
(We’re marching on)
(We’re marching on).

Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right,
We’re marching on.

We’ll have the days we break,
And we’ll have the scars to prove it,
We’ll have the bonds that we save,
But we’ll have the heart not to lose it.

For all of the times we’ve stopped,
For all of the things I’m not.

We put one foot in front of the other,
We move like we ain’t got no other,
We go when we go,
We’re marching on.

There’s so many wars we fought,
There’s so many things we’re not,
But with what we have,
I promise you that,
We’re marching on,
(We’re marching on)
(We’re marching on).

Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right, right, left, right,
Right, right,
We’re marching on.

Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right, right, left, right,
Right, right,
We’re marching on.

wildwater kingdom

2010-09-05T11:08:00.002-05:00

So we went from a Black River wildwater rafting adventure to Dorney's Wildwater Kingdom yesterday...definitely enjoying having a 14-year old as a stepson...brings out the little kid in me - and oh, that is a grand thing indeed. I can't tell you how many steps I climbed yesterday, either - a couple of thousand, I daresay - but when you've got the exciting prospect of a water tube to slide down? Yep, you don't hear me complaining much about the steps.

If I can swing it, I'm going to see if South Padre Island or Disneyland's parks are possible before Columbus Day...hard to say at the moment as I've know idea what these things cost - and right now we're all about being scrupulous with our funds...well, somewhat scrupulous, that is - must make time to play and all.

The only downside about hanging out with a 14 year old is the mass amount of sugar I seem to be consuming, as well as the number of violent films I'm watching of late. It's rather fascinating actually - what young ones today perceive as violence and gore...and I'm not sorry to admit it, but a man being eaten alive by wild pigs, either actually seen or merely implied on the screen is still violence...and it's not something that I need to see. It's just not entertaining to me - no matter how "cool" it is. Ugh - just turns my stomach thinking about it.

I do, however, enjoy the waterparks - and all the fun adventures that we get to plan. Heck, even just splashing about in Fred & My Father's pool at night has been a blast...granted, being thrown in the pool isn't so much fun - but when you've got two men who love and adore you doing the throwing? Yeppers, even I have to admit that life isn't such a bad thing...

And ya know, it's interesting - had someone told me twenty-years ago when I was being tossed about on the Tilt-a-Whirl or the Scrambler or even the Spider, that I'd be there twenty years hence with Peter and his son, I would have told you that you were mad.

But oh, I do love the mad ones, don't I?

And it's such an odd thing too - that I hear all the arguments in my head that I shouldn't be involved so with Peter, that he's not the right one for me, etc. etc...and I'm like - seriously? Are you kidding me? This man loves me to the marrow of my bones and back again...and unlike the Kevins and Stephens and Lawlors and Christophers of the world who said one thing and did another - this man actually is who he says he is.

And I've found that these types of men are very few and very far between...so when you find them, you don't let them go...and whilst things might not have ended ideally with the Billys, Leons, Martys or Kirks of this world, at least I can look back on those relationships and say with certainty that at least they were honest with me- and that they were honest with themselves. Well, wait a minute - Marty wasn't exactly honest with either himself or with me - so scratch that one, for he clearly belongs in the former, not the latter group.

I do know that I have been most fortunate to have loved and been loved by many men - and oh, how lucky I am...and to be able to sit here now and know that I am in a healthy relationship now, and that though the future may be bright, the present is pretty damn incredible.

I'll get through whatever the next bit of crap that life throws me is...after all, life is what the living do - and I'm doing one amazing job of living lately.

I'll admit that I'm a little frustrated with the fact that some of my stuff is in one house and some of it is in storage and some of it is at Fred & My Father's...I really do hate being in so much transition...However, it also challenges me to think of what "stuff" really is important to me - and how the rest is merely accumulations of things, markers if you will, of places and spaces I have been. At the end of the day what is truly important to me is the happiness of the people around me, and the happiness I have being in the moment I'm in.

Funny how RC (miss you bunches too, darlin') sees Peter and I sailing off into the sunset...that's actually not so far from the truth...a distant red sun, methinks...at sunset...right before the fabled green flash...

We're actually thinking about a getaway to a powdery-white beach somewhere soon...after the hurricanes have passed, maybe...

First though, we need to get through this court date with his ex, however. A date which I am dreading as much as I am rejoicing in...because once the child support issue is over and done with, he and I can figure out exactly what our next steps will be - and that, well, that will be a relief.

I am hoping and praying that we have a fair and articulate judge, who recognizes that private school, although appropriate for some individuals, is NOT a wise path for a divorced couple who simply cannot afford private school tuition - with or without financial assistance.

I think what irks me more than anything is the sheer spite that he ex is operating from. She's not a bad person, she's just completely stupid when it comes to all things financial and has completely lost any sense of kindness. And what she's punishing him for is beyond me - after all, she chose to divorce him - though she'll never admit to anything being her fault at all...which is what amazes me about most women. I swear, I really do not know why or how most women function on this planet. And worse, why any man would marry them in the first place. They are just so intransigent - so ridiculously stubborn...it is almost as if they become bitches after they find the man they want to be with. And I pray, I do pray, that I never become one of those women...one of those bitter, vituperative bitches who just hates men and places blame on anyone except themselves.

When I become particularly angry at her, though, I just remind myself that karma herself is a bitch - and what you give is what you get...and there is a strange sense of calm that comes unto me...

In any case, as I'm a firm believer that life is what the living do, I've had my rambling for the day and I feel sooooo much better now. Must run some errands now and get back to the business and busy-ness of being.

ta ta

Black River

2010-08-30T17:51:00.002-05:00

Absolutely fabulous weekend...just gotta love the dog days of summer...Peter, Richard, Gregory and I headed up to a quaint little place called Watertown and tackled some massive whitewater...

good times, I tell ya...good times.

I've decided that I'm going to have a son - and we're going to name him Noah - and we're going to play in the water...a lot. Cause damn, that was just an amazing weekend.

Unfortunately, though - reality sets in and I'm back to work.

In about ten minutes though I'm about to have an interview with my firm's #1 competitor...just because I can. This should be very interesting. I mean, I've already accepted THE job (more on that one later), and yet, something else almost as interesting knocked on my door the other day - and so, here I am - killing time, waiting for this woman to call me, so I can explore something new...

I do love my life...

one grand adventure after another.

Life is generally pretty good these days, too - though I haven't felt much of a need to ramble about it.

I'm having some issues with Fred - she's having a difficult time accepting my relationship with Peter - but that was to be expected. She'd have a hard time accepting my relationship with anyone, really...after all, it means less time with her...and the truth of the matter is, that I'm not her little girl anymore. I'm all grown up...with a life, and a home and a man - a man who calls me "mine"...and it's the sweetest thing in the world.

My "downtime" has been precious and few of late, as well. I've been running around here and there - preparing myself and my life - our lives, rather, for the massive chaos that is ahead.

Regretfully, there are a few things that I still cannot yet ramble about - so, in my fashion I've been a bit quieter than usual. But I can say, and do say, that massive change is ahead. And it's not merely my life that is impacted, but many, many others. It's rather exciting actually...after all, I do hate to be complacent and just plod through this thing called life...

there are moments though, that I do want to scream: STOP! Let me off this roller-coaster that is my life...

and then I remember that I created it...that this chaos is, in part, of my own design...

remarkably, I wouldn't change a thing.

I like who I am - I like who I've become - and I daresay that I have tremendous hope that more and better things are coming.

for RC....

2010-08-14T19:50:00.004-05:00

from my kitchen...

to yours...

with love,

on rocks

2010-08-03T06:22:00.003-05:00

So we're having a tag sale...part deux...because one thing that I've learned when you move in with another person is that you tend to notice that you have a lot of stuff. A LOT of stuff.

And some of that stuff is wonderful - I mean, I, no, I mean, we have the coolest cutting board I've ever seen - and between my pots and pans and Peter's talents in the kitchen - well, our stuff is finally being used for all that it was meant to be used for...

We have home. And oh, it is amazing. I always knew that I would be good at building home, but you don't really know something until you do it...

The good news though, is that we're being smart about things...and so, we had a small yard sale last weekend and this weekend is the BIG estate sale.

And so I'm getting ready to sell some of the things that have been collecting dust for ages and ages...and also to rid us of things that we like but don't need....like the couch that looks amazing, but is bloody uncomfortable for cuddling and watching a movie on...

So we're divesting ourselves of the unnecessary and combining our resources, because it's time to do so.

And I should be organizing right now, but I wanted a moment for me...in part because it's Tuesday and Tuesdays are special in my book.

Because on Tuesdays mon sange asks me to marry him...and one of these Tuesdays I might just say yes...

The funny thing is that I don't know how I feel about marriage anymore. It just seems so foolish - I mean, I know that I love this man, and I know that he loves me - and this is not Meg running from commitment - Lord knows that's not the case - if anything I am doing everything in my power to ensure that we are rock solid - which includes not rambling here so frequently - because I know that some rambling herein can be used against us. And though I have no regrets and will make no excuses - I don't want to harm him in any way. But I would like something, a flag even...a crest, a standard to bear testament to the clear, bright fact that I love this man and that he loves me...something we can carry into the inevitable battles ahead...

And speaking of battles, we did a fine job in the squabble with Fred this weekend - she's got her nose out of joint because I haven't shared as much with her about our relationship as she'd like me to...but truth of the matter is that I am not backing down and what I share with Peter isn't all for the world. I've considered the age difference, the height difference, the fact that he's been married not once but twice before...and upon great reflection, I recognize and acknowledge that these things are trifles. And yes, one could argue til the sun comes up, goes down and comes up again ad nauseum that we are foolish - and worse still, that I am merely replicating patterns of my past...a la Kevin, Phillip, Billy, Stephen, Lawlor, Christopher and any other number of men whom I have loved. But this time, well, this time is just as amazing, but is moreso. Heck, I've had to contemplate moving to Hong Kong this year and this time, well, this time I have a man who says - "so, how many bags do we get to take?" before he even asks anything else... And if that isn't amazing, I don't know what is.

I've said it to Peter a number of times - that I have loved a number of men, and many of those men have loved me back- but Peter - is well, Peter. And I'd be willing to venture more than a guess that he loves me more and better than all of those id-jits ever have.

It's a remarkable thing to be in love with your best friend.

Patrick said it best this weekend - sometimes you find EXACTLY what you need.

And yes, I will marry him someday - it's a fait accompli - one which has me more at peace than just about every decision I've ever made.

And for those who know me well, well, this is just part of the adventure that is my life. It's just a matter of timing...next year, maybe, or the year after that...funny, when you've met the person you're supposed to be with time becomes irrelevant. And I need a dress...because it's all about the dress, right?

Ha.

No worries...lots and lots of time for that.

We have what we have today and we look towards tomorrow together...but nothing is as good as it is today, right here, in this very moment, when I know to the marrow of my bones that I am love...that I love and am loved.

mitzpah.

2010-08-01T13:06:00.001-05:00

Ask a stupid question...

2010-08-01T12:47:00.004-05:00

Sun in the Sixth House

The sixth house is one of the more difficult positions for a composite Sun, because it is inherently a house of inequality. In most relationships there must be some balance between taking and giving. But in a relationship with a sixth-house Sun, one partner gives and the other takes.

The great danger of this position is that one of you is likely to feel taken advantage of by the other.

Perhaps the best way to deal with the problem may be by going into such a relationship in a spirit of service and help for your partner, with as little thought for yourself as possible.

Another way of dealing with this position would be to have a common task or goal that you can work toward together.

Sun Opposition Ascendant

This position means that the two of you place great stress upon being together as a team and facing the world as a couple. In most cases, this is an excellent placement for an intimate relationship such as marriage. It is also favorable to any relationship that involves giving and receiving advice.

Others will look at the two of you as a team or partnership, even to the point that they would find it strange for you to be apart.

Sometimes the energies of this particular combination can go outside the relationship and produce conflict between yourselves and others.

Moon in the Fifth House

The composite Moon in the fifth house suggests that your relationship exists because it makes you both feel good, especially emotionally.

Obviously this is a good position for any kind of personal relationship, especially a love affair. You will enjoy each other's company immensely.

The major deficiency of this position is that you may find it difficult to settle down to anything serious. This can be especially difficult in a marriage or long-term love relationship, for you can't always have fun and games; at some point you have to work at the serious business of building a relationship together.

Moon Conjunct Venus

The conjunction of composite Moon and composite Venus is a most positive aspect for any personal relationship. It indicates a strong feeling of love between you that you will express openly. The relationship may even have something of a dreamy quality, as if it were too beautiful to be true.

The basic inner strength of this relationship should be great enough to overcome all but the worst problems.

In general, this is one of the most positive and useful aspects that a composite chart can have for a successful personal relationship.

Mercury Opposition Ascendant

In this relationship, your minds are engaged with each other in a very strong and intimate way.

On the one hand, this aspect may take the form of a very deep and significant intellectual union between you. You seem to think almost like one person, sharing the same ideas and thinking in a complementary way.

On the other hand, the opposition of composite Mercury and Ascendant can take the form of vigorous intellectual disagreement and conflict between you.

You may be opponents or you may be peaceful partners. In either case you depend on each other to reinforce your ways of thinking and dealing with the world. In either case you both would find it difficult to operate without the other.

Venus in the Fifth House

Composite Venus in the fifth house is one of the stronger indications that this will be a relationship of love or, at the very least, friendship.

It denotes a relationship between two people who really enjoy being together and who make each other feel good. You will share a great love of pleasure and doing things together.

The fifth-house Venus is a light-hearted position. Perhaps its only real flaw is that it does not provide the energy needed for a serious day-to-day relationship. If you can overcome this lack of seriousness, a fifth-house Venus guarantees that this will be a pleasant and loving relationship for both of you.

__________

So all is well in the Meg-verse.

Regretfully I don't ramble much anymore, in part because I haven't felt much of a need to.

In sum, though - well, all is good.

I'm happy.

I have a man who loves me, and I love him. We're deliriously, unabashedly, happy. His. Mine. Ours.

Personal pronouns really are grand.

I've always wondered what it felt like to be loved, truly loved to the marrow of my bones. And now I know

We might even get a flag (a la Eddie Izzard's delightful quip on taking over foreign lands).

In any case, there are places to go and people to see and things to do. I'll be here now and then when I can...in October perhaps, when I'm at liberty to say what all is new in our world...

ours...

yep, that's awfully nice...

I will, but for now all I can and do say is: happiness is a state of being...and we are happy...so very, very happy...

Happy Sunday indeed.

ain'ta that good news

2010-07-20T20:05:00.002-05:00

Versatile and Flexible
Mercury Sextile Uranus
Jul 21, 2010 to Jul 23, 2010

It's all good -- from your point of view, at least. Luck will be on your side, as your uncanny sense of timing will demonstrate. In truth, though, luck has nothing to do with it. It's your willingness to let go of the steering wheel and let the universe drive.

_______________

well, it's not what I thought it would be, but it's not bad...

decisions, decisions....

home sweet home

2010-07-20T06:04:00.002-05:00

so it's Tuesday...yay!

And for the most part good things tend to happen to me on Tuesdays - so I'm confident that today will be a good day.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks actually - and I haven't made a moment to just sit down and ramble - but I suppose that's what happens when your whole world goes topsy-turvy in a matter of moments.

In short: Peter moved in, we took off to HK for a couple of weeks, arrived back home with some serious jetlag, continued to plow through the 70-some boxes from Peter's move (books, books and more books), entertained G. - Peter's son for 48 hours then drove up and back to Syracuse, Peter started his new job, and the proverbial shit hit the fan at my job because I've had a new employee start and another one go on holiday in the middle of our busiest time yet so I'm doing her job AND mine and still covering Asia-stuff after-hours, not to mention that the powers that be are generally being a royal pain in the ass - and oh, have I mentioned that I'm now getting up a good hour before I have to because of Peter's alarm clock? Lucky me. Let's not even go into the place where Fred is giving me grief for being in a relationiship with a man who is so much older than I am.

Yes, well - it's all part of the new life I'm living...and all in all it's quite a nice life...and for the most part I'm deliriously happy - I'm just frustrated this morning because I really REALLY don't want to go into the office...what I really want to do is go back to bed and sleep for a few hours.

That said, I just decided that I'm taking Monday off. I haven't taken a proper day off in long time and it's about high time that I did. No clue what I'm going to do on said day off, but I'm taking it - because I need something to get me through the rest of this week and that's about the only thing that will do it...some r&r.

Need to get ready too for the massive tag sale that I'm planning...finally decided to do something about all this stuff I've acquired over the years - I have a ton of things that I just don't use anymore - so it's gathering dust and that's just not acceptable anymore. I'm all about de-cluttering my life lately...and a tag sale is a great way to do it. Plus, I have Peter to help me - and that is just grand. It really is a gift having a partner to help you with life...and I am so very lucky to have finally accepted this man in my life. And best of all, he's not going anywhere - unlike all the other asses who came before him - so we get to build something together and building is good. There is something truly remarkable about a man who will pick up his life and say "here" - this is me - what would you like to do next? And then you get to do it together.

Funny how every now and then I hear words from my last conversation with the redhead bang around in my head: "is this all there is?"

Dear Lord, I would never want to be caught in a marriage like that - one where you wake up every morning and wonder if you settled, or worse yet, realize that you had and realize too that you weren't willing to do anything to change it.

It amazes me sometimes that I could and did love some of the men of my past so passionately, so fervently...because I look at them now and I realize just how small they are - so provincial...and I realize, too, what that says about me...and I realize just how far I've come, and oh, it is a grand thing.

I wish I could say exactly where I was going next too, but I regret that I'm not yet at liberty to say - which is a good thing, actually, because some things need some time space and time to breathe before they can be shared with the world at large. Fred, for one, is going to have a very difficult time with the decision I've already made. For better or for worse though, things are happening today, big, wondrous things and so I am steeling myself for it.

It's a scary thing to know that the trajectory of one's life is about to change dramatically in a matter of hours - but there it is.

As a very wise man once told me - there are no bad choices, there are only consequences...

And so I pray for the courage to take these next steps towards peace, passion and purpose...

and it's Tuesday...and that, well, that's just grand.

bamboo

2010-07-07T10:42:00.006-05:00

so tonight...12 hour day at the office...and then to Bamboo for dim sum with my raison d'etre...M'sieur Sebastian Singe...(miss-YUHR... suh-BAST-ti'yahn... SAHNzh')...

it's our three year anniversary...as friends...and now...

but who is counting?

No, seriously...we're just mildly entertained by the fact that three years ago we didn't know each other's middle names. In part, because I have two of them, and he has none *grins*

In any case...Hong Kong.

In a matter of weeks or months or something it has managed to feel like home...and oh, it might just be...

bon anniversare, mon singe...

here's to...well, more.

Discovery Bay is kind of nice...then again, there is Stanley...or Wan Chai...or Mid-levels...

mitzpah.

p.s. to dare is to deny fear...and live. Praise Allah our passports are in order.

gone native...

2010-07-04T08:53:00.002-05:00

Haven't taken much time to ramble on this trip to HK...in part because my days are full, and my evenings are full, and there really isn't much time at all to just sit and recount the day.

However, we are having a wonderful time - I am so very, very pleased that Peter is here with me...it makes everything better just to have him around. And I daresay that he, too, is enjoying the holiday.

We spent a full day roaming around Macau...treated ourselves to a personal guide - which really is the best way to see the city.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of leaving my camera cable at home, so I can't upload pictures to Facebook until we get home - but we are taking pictures - lots of them.

The weather is remarkably gorgeous here - it's supposed to be rainy season, but we've had nothing but 85 degree weather...70+ spf sunscreen does little to beat the heat, but I've taken to carrying a parasol...which helps a bit. It is hotter than Hades over here...but being so close to the water all the time is indeed a god-send...it just looks cooler...

Will definitely chronicle all the adventures we're having...the trip to Discovery Bay, to Jumbo, to all sorts of things I didn't see the first time around in Macau...and all the fun foods I'm introducing Peter to here...

Life is really, REALLY good in HK...and it is even better having my raison d'etre by my side...

mitzpah.

NYC to HK...round 2

2010-06-25T20:49:00.003-05:00

so tomorrow I am off for HK - yet again...

with an eye this time on sticking around for a significantly longer stay...

and then on Tuesday (my favorite day, of course), Peter joins me, for 10 days of exploration...still debating the laptop for the time I'm there, will decide on the morrow...

and yes, RC - it is, indeed, AWESOME!

*grins*

so....query....

2010-06-21T20:30:00.002-05:00

So today I was given an opportunity...

Hong Kong.

18 months.

I'm of the mind not to let the fear of God keep me out of heaven...but it's not just about fear...nor is it about heaven or hell.

It is simply a choice.

Neither good, nor bad.

With consequences.

So...Hong Kong...for 18 months...with my raison d'etre alongside me...

things to make ya go hmmmmm.....

"I move to keep things whole"

2010-06-18T06:37:00.002-05:00

"The most ominous of fallacies--the belief that things can be kept static by inaction."
--Freyda Stark

It's hard being inactive, like trying to stop your brain from thinking or your eyes from seeing, but Stark's point is that sometimes we do act as if we just ignore something it will, depending on our wish, stay the same or somehow get better or go away. But what we wish with inaction won't happen--what's the line from Mother and Child Reunion? "I know they say let it be but it just don't work out that way". Need to put some activity into it. Whether that's watching, considering, analyzing, planning, doing...whatever it is, it's some kind of intentional action.

______________

So last night I met a man named Martin - a rather fascinating chap, actually...and Martin, well, Martin is selling us a rug...a rather magnificent rug if I do say so myself...a rug with a soul and a story to tell.

What is truly remarkable is that this is the first purchase together for Peter and me...and so it makes much sense that it is a new style for me - a bit of a leap of faith, truth told, because it's the kind of thing that grew on me...as I spent more time with the rug, and with Martin, I knew that this particular piece of art has a home with me...and with us...

I do hope that Peter likes it...particular as it is something that he is investing in sight unseen...

But that is something that I adore about Peter...he is ready, willing and able to take a leap of faith. And praise Allah that he recognizes this trait in me too.

I don't ramble much about Peter herein -in part because it's one of the spaces and places in my life that I don't need to ramble about...and because we are sacred...sacrosanct...and so there is no need for me so say much...excepting from time to time when I am moved to do so.

Today is one of those days, methinks - because today Peter is moving in...at this very moment he is packing up his "stuff" so that we can continue to build something together.

And the funny thing is that he keeps asking me if I'm okay with this...I have to remind him that I'm the one who suggested it, and he knows I don't make these kinds of decisions lightly...it's the most natural thing in the world for him to move in here...he's always very much felt like home to me...and I needn't use phrases like can't not nor always and all ways because this is just what it is...we are good to and for each other...and so we are.

And yes, there are absolutely moments when I hope and pray I feel with him like I felt with some of the other men I love so...but then I remind myself that there is a reason that those men are not here, and that there is a reason that this man is...and my heart smiles.

I truly do not know how or why I am so lucky...I just am...and I am so happy, so overjoyed, to be here in this place...and in moving towards whatever adventures with him come next.

mitzpah.

Happy Bloomsday!

2010-06-16T19:09:00.002-05:00

I've been terrible about rambling lately...truth told though, I get distracted and I wander off on tangents and then poof! another day gone without taking a moment to myself to ramble.

Life is all a bit of madness lately - but in a good way.

I'm starting to interview for other opportunities again, and Peter is moving in, and I'm cleaning house, and life, well, life is generally good.

I admit that I'm tired though...falling asleep way, way too early most nights - and sleeping a ridiculous amount of hours...but it helps me preserve my sanity - and oh, how I have missed my magic bed! So any excuse to sleep in it, or roll around in it is a good thing.

That said - must scrounge something up for dinner.

up and at 'em

2010-06-10T04:51:00.002-05:00

so it's an early morning for me...still adjusting the EST...will probably take me a few more days - but seeing as I have an incredibly full plate over the next month, well, there is little "down-time" for me...

The good news is that I have two "hard-stops" on the madness one next Tuesday night and the other on 12-July...going to have a house full of guests to run through my pictures in HK and the second house full on the 13th July,...so need to get the house in semi-presentable order and then over the course of the next few weeks need to get Peter all moved in, buy us a grill and then host a rather large social gathering. Yep - definitely going to be a wild, wild ride.

I'm excited in a number of respects and I'm also like - how the hell am I going to get all this done?

Ah, my life - not one for the weak of heart.

I'm pleased to report though that I spent all day Monday getting my winter clothes packed away. See, while everyone else had spring-cleaning, I was in another country - so I came home all my winter items still out...made the transition to spring/summer though - and will undoubtedly spend tonight cleaning out the remainder of the dust bunnies. Then there is the matter of moving a ton of stuff into storage...I daresay this weekend is going to be all about getting ready for the next phase of my life...one which very well may lead me back to HK sooner than later. All the seeds are planted - it's just a matter of where headcount will be allocated.

Which quite honestly, is good with me. I really enjoyed my time over there and Peter is game to relocate anywhere in the world with me...and so we'll see what happens next...

In any case, I've decided I need to chronicle my adventures over there, so I'm going to do my best to put my photographs from there over here and re-tell the tales of what I saw and who I met...because it really was remarkable to spend 7 weeks in a foreign land...

right now though I need a shower and I owe my monkey a wake up call...

Art Collection

2010-06-08T19:10:00.023-05:00

so today, not such a good day for jet lag...tried sleeping last night, but didn't fall asleep until well past midnight and then today took a three hour nap in the middle of the afternoon...which was part carb-coma (five cheese pizza!) and pain-killer...methinks I've a rather large cavity to cope with...which will be taken care of tomorrow afternoon..

however, in the general gloom of the day there were a couple of bright spots...firstly, Fred & My Father are safely home from their holiday in Greece, Peter is wrapping up his conference in Colorado, and perhaps best of all?

Roses...Peter sent me the most perfect yellow roses...how he remembered that yellow roses are my favorite roses I've no idea...but there they are...sitting on the kitchen table...and oh, it is just so nice to love and be loved...

and on a Tuesday...

I'm also pleased as punch to photograph my art collection recently acquired from Shenzhen...some women buy shoes...I invest in purses and paintings...

And invest I did...now I need to go to the art shoppe to purchase framing supplies. I do all my own framing - learned some time ago that one of the least expensive ways to redecorate is to move the furniture and swap out the artwork...so I buy my street-art in basically the same size and then I assemble my own frames, and pop pieces in and out of said frames seasonally...

I'm also quite good at bargain-hunting...indeed, one of the things I will absolutely miss is the back-and-forth with the vendors to get to a price we both agree on...each of the below cost me less than USD$20...a steal considering that in the US I'd pay about USD$80 and up at the street fairs...now I just need to figure out which ones to display first...

I am a part of all that I have met

2010-06-07T06:44:00.002-05:00

...I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vexed the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honoured of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers;
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breathe were life. Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this grey spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

...

Tho' much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

-excerpted from Ulysses
Alfred, Lord Tennyson

__________________

So I did rest a bit last night...in two hour spurts...from 7:30 to 9:40, from 12:30 - 2:30, from 3:20 to 6...not too shabby for a first night back. Praise Allah for melatonin and red wine, else I would not have slept at all.

Full day ahead as well.

The dust bunnies have multiplied a million-fold since I've been gone - and I must get to market for food, as my cupboards are absolutely bare.

Fortunately, though, Martian commented herein this morning, which prompted me to wander to his spot...and there I found a most reassuring piece...the old adage from Margaret that has kept me sane for so long: don't worry.

And so I don't.

There is a tremendous amount on my plate today - indeed, I hardly know where to start...but I remain confident that I'll get through all of it - though it might take me a bit longer than planned...

spent the first two hours of the morning on the phone with Edna, my Asian protege, talking her through everything she had queries on...she's definitely in for a wild ride - one I don't envy.

For the moment though I'm going to sit here and rest my thoughts for a bit - just because I can. It helps me center.

And then I'm going to open all the windows and enjoy the sunshine this morning. One thing that I missed while in HK was a personal outdoor space that I can call my own...and I have that here. So I can sit in my garden here and enjoy my cup of tea and ramble herein...

I am so very, very lucky to be alive...

Upon reflection, it was an extraordinary experience...one which I know will profoundly effect me for the rest of my life...I have a much deeper appreciation for blue sky - something that one rarely sees much on HK Island due to all the smog...and I don't think I'll ever use a plastic bag again if it can be prevented...in HK everyone purchases a reuseable bag for their shopping - they actually charge you to give you a bag at the markets. It seems such a trifle thing, but really, it gets you thinking just how much we waste...use one time and then throw things away...

Oh, and I have an even deeper appreciation for home now - because in China, they literally live on top of each other - there is not a lot of personal space at all...and here, well, here there are free-standing homes...

I happened to nab a book from the office for plane-reading on American culture and customs...fascinating to see this country from another perspective..and oh, how I do. I know exactly how it feels to be a foreigner now...to not speak the language, to not be able to read the signs...to get so frustrated with yourself because you know that you should know something and yet you don't...you just don't.

It is so good to come back to the familiar though. I mean, I have a disco ball in my kitchen!

Home.

My home.

My space.

My place.

And yet the remarkable thing is that I know that I don't need any of it at all...it's just stuff. Granted, it's my stuff - but it's stuff, regardless.

For me, life has been always about the people and the places and the experiences I have been fortunate enough to discover. And I am more confident than ever in who I am and who I hope to continue to be...

I'm sure I'll be rambling quite a bit over the next few days - want to preserve as much of my experiences as possible...before too much time passes and I forget...

Invictus

2010-06-06T23:00:00.003-05:00

Invictus
--William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

_____________

16 hours on a plane...with the journey to the airport, check-in, customs, then customs again, luggage retrieval, and journey home bundled on top of it...it's been a very, very long 24 hours...

it is a very, very long flight home indeed...

and yet, it is a journey I needed to take. Watched four movies though, most notably, a bloody spectacular flick that I highly recommend...Invictus...I daresay I'll watch it yet again just so I can digest everything I missed.

And so here I am...home...

home.

Passed through customs with nominal interference - which was grand, because I had a LOT of luggage and was more than a little worried that I would have an issue coming through with a USD$800 declaration...fortunately, the Fates were kind and I cleared without query...

Un-bloody believable that I actually have a home...even more surreal is that I've been away for almost 2 months...and lest I jinx it, there is a very real possibility that I'll be going back very soon for an even longer tour of duty...

but for now - well, for now I am home. And home is good.

I just realized that I took over 2000 photographs on this holiday...I don't think I've captured that many shots in my entire life...and yet I managed to become quite the shutterbug in a matter of weeks...can't wait to see Henry so I can share my new toy with him...

I am still so overwhelmed by everything that I just need a bit of time to process it...perhaps take a long hot shower now...I hardly slept at all on the flight - took a 2 hour power nap when I walked in the door, and now I'm wide awake...praise Allah I don't need to be at the office for a few more days...definitely need a bit of down-time to figure out what timezone I'm in, unpack, clean up a place that is literally covered with dust...and then organize for Peter's move...definitely going to be a crazy few days...

Ah well, not going to worry nor stress...going to take an uber hot shower, pop some melatonin and try to sleep...need to get back to EST as quickly as possible...

It's Five O'Clock somewhere....

2010-06-03T10:05:00.003-05:00

I don't ramble much during the week...in part, because it's usually after 10 p.m. when I'm walking in the door - and the only thing on my mind is a very hot shower, a glass of wine, or an ice cold beer, a quick Skype with my raison d'tre, and then bed...

sitting and collecting my thoughts?

yep - last thing on my mind...

but as my time is winding down here - I can actually count the hours until I leave - I'm suddenly feeling like I need to chronicle the experiences I've had here...like how tonight, I left the office at a "respectable hour" - of 8 p.m. - so that I could hie my ass over to the night markets and meet up with Jannie and Ice (the latter pronounced "I-see"), so that I could purchase a bag for my new toy...I love that I've made a contact over here who hooks me up with the "best quality" bags you can buy in the SAR...

and I get a serious kick out of the fact that you have to go to the 23 floor, then walk down a flight of stairs, hang out for a bit, and then walk up the stairs to the 25th floor to avoid the spies in the building. One of these things Jannie and Ice are very, very good at is avoiding the authorities.

I would also love to chronicle my love of dim sum...I've eaten things here I wouldn't even dream up eating in the States. All sorts of insides of animals...and no, I really don't want to know what it is - I just eat it, and a few hours later, Edna or Anina or Carmen tells me what I ate, and my stomach rolls a bit in recall - but by then it's digested and there's nothing I can do about it.

They really do eat everything over here.

The only thing I can't get used to is the chicken. They serve it with the bones still in it, and the skin on it, and most of the time I'm not 100% sure that it's cooked all the way through. Fortunately, I haven't gotten sick from anything yet - but that's because no matter what happens, I take my Flintstones vitamins everyday :-)

I think I have a cavity though...definitely need to visit the dentist when I'm back home.

Edna made a last ditch effort to convince Cindy that I need to stick around for another week to train her, but honestly, my time is done here. I can feel it in my bones right now. Though I daresay I will be back. I have very much enjoyed my time in Hong Kong. I've made some new friends...and influenced more than a few lives...and that, well, end game that is always what is more important to me than anything.

I've also taken more pictures than I ever have...over 1000 photographs all in...and I daresay this weekend - I'm headed to Sik Sik Yuen Wang Tai Sin Temple (say that three times fast *grins*)...well, I'm headed there after I host a team training for 43 people for three hours on Saturday morning. Yep. Work harder, play harder here...

The amazing thing is that I really don't mind eating lunch and dinner at the office - when you enjoy what you do, and enjoy who you are doing it with, it makes the day fly by, and then you're sitting there at 7 p.m. going - damn! where did the morning go? So you order dinner, and then kick it into high gear.

I suppose I would feel entirely differently if I had a whole bunch of friends here, but I don't - I'm here to work, and to explore on the weekends...and that is exactly what I have done...and I have enjoyed it thoroughly.

There are pieces of me that are absolutely ready to be home - and others that recognize how grand it would be to be based here - and then to travel and see more of the world. I daresay I am going to have a very, very difficult time acclimating back to NYC...but no worries, I have Monkey-mine moving in soon, and that's going to bring a whole new set of adventures to my door...ones that I am frighteningly calm about dealing with.

It's just such a different feeling moving in with Peter vs when I was moving in with Phillip...

it's been what, a decade since I've lived with a man day in/out? Wow...has it really been that long? No...it was 2002 or was it 2003 when it was over with Phillip?

Hmmm...hard to say - I daresay my memory is failing me at this hour...

regardless, had anyone told me back then that I'd be living with a history professor who's a decade older than me and a few inches shorter than I am, I would've laughed at them and then remarked that stranger things have happened...

and yet, here I am, knowing that is my next step.

A strange world I inhabit, that's a certainty.

And no, he's not the redhead, and he'll never be the redhead, and yet, I wouldn't change a thing about this path I am about to amble down. Even as much as I loved the redhead, he only once did something that was more about me than it was about him....amazing what one sees in retrospect...and oh, it pains me to acknowledge it, but there it is. But I have no regrets, save one..my life, well my life, it is a bit of madness, yes, but it's my madness.

And what amazes me, is that I was walking down the street last night just after picking up dinner for Anina and me, and I was thinking to myself - wow...I'm here. In HK...and I've done it...all by myself...and I've been off the Island a few times...I've gone here and there and met new people and seen fascinating things...and lived. I've really lived. I've done something that yet again, I never thought I would do...and I was so very, very proud of myself.

And then I felt so small, and so humbled....because there are so many people who have helped me achieve this...who have nurtured this confidence in me. And perhaps best of all, the one man who has stood by me through so much pain and suffering, well he loves me still...more than everyone...more than anyone ever could. And that, well, that's just awesome.

In any case, I'm starting to fade now...long day at the office, and one and a quarter left to go...

and then, praise Allah, I go home.

mitzpah

Recent pictures

2010-05-30T08:31:00.007-05:00

So I've graduated to the world of DSLR...

it's a great place to be...

excepting the fact that my "laugh lines" seem all the clearer in 10.2 megapixels..

RC - any tips for my new toy?

all in all though, it was a very, very good weekend...and now my last week in HK begins...and then...well, then, I see a pizza-pie in my future, and sex, lots and lots of sex...on a magic bed that I miss more than just about everything. Except maybe pizza - could really go for an amazing slice of plain cheese pizza...and then sex...dear Lord how I miss intimacy...and pizza :-) The Chinese are good at many things ....pizza ain't one of them.

In any case - week from hell coming up - but then it will be over - for then I move to yet another level of hell.

But I daresay that I have hope - and I will renew my search for a new "home" upon my return to the States...and if I wind up back here? No worries. It's been a grand adventure - one that I am more than willing renew if the Fates permit.

But first, I really, really would like a thin slice of pizza from Rustica...five cheeses, eh? With onions? pretty please?

Macau

2010-05-27T09:19:00.002-05:00

So a good week here in HK...I'm working some killer hours, but that's to be expected here. 12-14 hour work-days are the norm here in high-season, and life will probably get worse before it gets better. Interestingly enough I'm good to some degree, with the long work hours. I'm enjoying what I'm doing, and I'm enjoying the team I'm working with. I will honestly be sad to go, because I know that I am contributing, operating at max-capacity, and thoroughly enjoying my work - even though the hours really are killer, and the idiots I work with have their moments...but all in all, it could be worse.

I am, though, very much looking to being back in my own bed soon - and pizza...I am completely entranced by the thought of a good slice right now...I've had more than my fair share of noodles and all sorts of yumminess...none of which are good for the waistline...

In any case, I haven't had much energy to come home and ramble. Even tonight, for as much as I wanted to chat with Peter I was just like - ugh, turn the world off, eh?

12 more hours at the office though and then I have some respite for a bit...and I'm treating myself to a day of sightseeing in Macau on Saturday...very much looking forward to getting off HK Island and seeing a bit more of the area. I might even look into a guided tour - just because it's nice to learn the history of a place - rumour has it that the weather should be fair too - which bodes well. Good joss, as they say here...

Regret that there is not terribly much to report - I mean, I'm working my ass off and that's about all there is to talk about during the week. Although last night I finally threw my hands up in the air and said the hell with it. So I went to the night markets and I purchased not one, not two but three purses. I swear, I'm going to open up my own shoppe when I get home...

But the designer stuff is no inexpensive here that it's insane not to induldge...and oh, how I treat myself...

I might have to buy another suitcase to lug home all my loot though...which isn't such a bad thing - I'm more worried about getting it all to the airport - but I'll manage, I always do.

I'm a little nervous about heading to yet another country by myself - but there is also such an element of adventure to it, that it's hard not to be excited. I'm really pushing myself to see and do new things here...to really take myself out of my Westerner-box and be in the world.

I must admit though, that at times it still is more than a little overwhelming. The sheer volume of people mashed into this space really does a number on the psyche sometimes. But then I remember that there are people out there somewhere in the world who love me and are thinking of me - even at great distance...and that brings me incredible strength...and so I keep pushing myself to experience more.

I'm oddly a happy little camper here at times...even though now and again I have a moment or two of: what the eff am I doing here.

I know that this is an experience that I will never forget, that most people never have the opportunity to experience, and I am very glad of it.

I do miss Emma though...it'd be nice to have my little ball of fur to sit on my lap now and then...you don't see a lot of pets around here...a few stray cats and an occasional dog - but not many of them at all. HK is definitely a fascinating place in that respect...

Ah well, I'm absolutely exhausted, as per usual...must take a hot shower now and chill out while I can...shut my mind down, and then sleep...

Kindergeld

2010-05-21T08:53:00.002-05:00

So I've obtained German counsel *grins*...Dani is about to get into in some very deep trouble...and what's best is that she's not going to know where it came from. I can tolerate a lot of things, but fraud is not one of them, nor is maliciously causing pain to someone whom I adore...oh, to see the look on her face when she realizes that she has to pay back every cent of the monthly stipend she's received - illegally obtained, mind you. And she can come after Peter all she wants, he's more than willing to pay what he is legally obligated to do so - but she's arguing that her sons are entitled to private school education - upwards of 18k/year...and honey, you just don't send your kids to a swanky private school when you're only pulling in 60k per annum. Yeppers, I'm taking names and numbers...in part because I haven't exercised my JD in a while and it's about damn time I did something with the 100k mortgage on my brain...

Ya just don't go messing with a tall blonde with a law degree when she's angry...you will lose. Every.single.time.

And what I find so bloody entertaining, is that she is so provincial...little people with little minds...sad, really. There are so many better ways to live. I am more than a little entertained too by the fact that she now posits that Peter and I have had a sexual relationship for the last three years...amazing what jealousy does to a body. It's an ugly emotion and I am so happy I don't possess it. Any idiot with any lick of sense would know that Peter and I, well, we've been best friends for years, but it's only since December that there's been anything of a sexual nature between us...and that is because I've been involved with men who claimed to be getting a divorce, but actually weren't - so I refused to let Peter even kiss me until I read his divorce decree...and oh, I am so glad that we waited...because it made it all the richer an experience...I daresay that it will tickle my funny bone to no end to stand in a courtroom and regal a judge with tales of my sexual adventures...I really, REALLY should write a book about all this crap that happens to me sometime - because it is incredible to contemplate it...

In any case, a magnificent day of adventures in Shenzhen...out and about with Erika, Kate & Gina...I'm a bit tired from the whole day actually - an early start with "breaky" at Wagyu and then an hour cab ride to Wo Lo...but it was a good day, and I made some new friends...and that, well, that is grand.

More on the morrow, I'm sure...

karma's a bitch

2010-05-20T08:27:00.003-05:00

Position: Near Future
Meaning Type:
Card Meaning
You are on the verge of fulfilling your grand plan.

Position Description
The card in the Near Future position indicates which way the wind is blowing with regard to your situation. If you follow the Advice card, however, you can improve on or neutralize tendencies.

With the Ten of Cups in this position, it appears as if the wandering tribe finally found the resting place where it can build and cultivate the land. There is a sense of homecoming and fulfillment. Imagine a gigantic celebration where everyone from elders to children converge, giving and receiving love freely. Together they gleefully catch up on each other's stories and enjoy the sense of bonding they've been missing.

During this upcoming experience you will feel slightly sentimental as your heart is opened and filled. It's a time of gratitude and rewards for labors well done.

___________

It's been a good day.

Good week, even.

My path is good and bright.

I have no malice in my heart and yet I have decided that I will systematically, methodically hurt someone - and she won't even see it coming...

power is more than five letters...it's mine.

Lesson to the universe: don't mess with those who are mine. You will lose. Every.Single.Time.

oh, and by the by, I daresay I owe a shout-out to Linda and Susan and Stephen and Ian...those who taught me the power of deceit...the key is to never have a connect to the messenger. Ever. Praise Allah I have friends and family in Germany still...

tough day

2010-05-19T07:56:00.002-05:00

"I was in slow-moving traffic the other day and the car in front of me had an Obama bumper sticker on it. It read:

"Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8".

I looked it up--- here's what it says:

Psalm 109:8
"Let his days be few; and let another take his office. "
____________

so that made me laugh...and Lord knows I needed a good laugh...

not a good morning. Started off with a difficult conversation with Fred and then got progressively worse during the day...

in any case, I'm having a glass of wine and some cheese now and watching My Cousin Vinny.

I predict I'll be asleep in an hour...and then another day dawns in Hong Kong.

There is a magnificent thunderstorm raging outside as well...what a perfect reflection of my soul tonight...

dim sum

2010-05-17T09:48:00.003-05:00

so today Carmen took me for dim sum - to a particularly yummy place where no one spoke a word of English - and had she not been there as my tour guide, I would have been hopelessly lost.

It was good though - it really is amazing how much more flavorful things are over here. I wish I could describe it properly - but the fruit is bloody amazing, I have never enjoyed watermelon until I moved here - and the pineapple? and oranges? Orgasmic...never had anything like it. And the fish is incredibly fresh, and the vegetables just pop...it's really amazing...I mean, I'm even enjoying the rice here...because it has texture...

I'm also a big fan of chopsticks...they do enhance the meal - because you have to take your time to enjoy it...

Yep - dim sum is definitely my favorite way to spend my lunch hour...

In any case, it was a good day all in all. We've extended my stay here - which was anticipated. After all, I'm doing a kick-ass job and I know it. Rani is particularly pleased with how much I'm producing, and that, well, that makes me feel good. Granted, when you have no social life, and all you do is work, eat, sleep and go sightseeing, well, you're going be productive. The only thing I'm complaining about is that they're not paying me enough...and so I have an interview with another investment bank - and fingers crossed, they'll make me an offer before I set foot stateside again. At this point everything is pure conjecture and pleasant dreams - we'll see what I actualize here...and no matter what happens I have to plan on making enough to cover both Peter and me for a few months - at least until he landed something...it's not just me making these decisions anymore and that, well, that's a good thing. It's so nice knowing I'm not so alone all the time.

I didn't realize how much I missed having someone else to make decisions with. I think I've just lived so long on my own, making choices just for me that I became complacent...none too happy about that in retrospect...what's worse is that I made so many excuses for so many other men...when comparatively they were really children - men who used their choices as weapons and shields instead of living authentically and being honest with themselves and with me...

ah well, they were all stepping stones...and each and every one of them brings me to here - with lessons and experiences I wouldn't have otherwise had...and so I lived and I learned and I loved...still love them all in my fashion...but there are times and places to live certain lives...and I'm proud of my past, and the choices that I've made.

I've broken some hearts too - not maliciously...never that, but sometimes I've had to walk away...and it hurts, dear Lord it hurts - because I wanted something more...

I would have loved to live a life with Tim - to discover whatever adventures we could...I daresay it would be a grand life...but I can't and won't wait for him to get his shit together...

And I don't think there will ever be a moment when I don't imagine a life with the redhead...once upon a time he was mine to lose...and I knew it, and he knew it - but I just couldn't and wouldn't ask him to choose...not until it was too late, and not only did I see him, but I saw right through him....and he never saw the asking in my eyes...except once...that first night when we just couldn't not. Magic. I can honestly say I believed in magic then...because not only did the Good Lord give me love and light and so much good, but he gave me a moment that will be burnt on my brain forever...amazing how your whole life comes into perspective in just one moment. And I will always wonder if he felt it too, or if it was just me wanting something, wanting someone so much that I dreamt it.

I think that Peter feels about me the way I felt about Christopher. And that scares me sometimes - because I know what it's like to want someone, to care for someone so much and then to have it shattered...I won't do that to him, because it hurts too much to even contemplate such hardness...and so I think of softer things...

I had a life with Phillip and with Kevin once...and I daresay I imagined a bright future with Ian, Billy, Lawlor and even Kirk...imagination is a powerful thing.

But it takes two to tango, and those boys, well, they didn't want to dance with me.

I would dare to mention what I imagined with Stephen, but that is a wound that will never properly heal.

And end game, I know how lucky I am...that here, today, at this very moment, I have a man on the other side of the planet who loves me to the marrow of my bones...and that I know there is nothing that he wouldn't do for me...

I try not to take that for granted, and I don't take advantage of it...but oh, there are sometimes when I wonder how it is possible for me to have loved and to love still, so many other men. It's as if there are all these people inside of me, and I could morph into any one of them at any moment. Makes me doubt the veracity of my professed love...

and yet I don't know how to live any other way.

And even if I did, I'm not sure that I would want to.

This is just me - crazy, mad minx Meg...

and fortunately, in a matter of minutes it's Tuesday - so that brings hope...and hope is just grand.

mitzpah

november rain...

2010-05-16T08:14:00.006-05:00

wow...all sorts of good things in the universe tonight.

Kevin's wedding pics posted on Facebook and so was Phillip's piece de resistance...something I've waited years to hear finished...he was writing it when he met me, and he finally finished it...for years I heard him play this...I have one memory of a weekend in the Poconos, just him, just me, on a piano in an empty room...it was magic...it was a good three and a half and some years. I wouldn't be here without that time, without what we shared...he was, and is a talented artist...I only wished that he composed more...

but like Kevin, I wish him and Christy all the love in the world...he was mine once and I loved him - love him still in a fashion - but I couldn't and wouldn't be more...and there is something so very, very lovely about that.

End of day though, there is music, and there is memory...and it is so nice to look back with such fond memories.

I'm here now, in Hong Kong...with a very uncertain future - which is a grand thing. I am staying now for longer than I planned, but it's good. It's all good.

And this, well, this I daresay is grand...yay, Phillip...

http://philipclark.bandcamp.com/track/november-rain?autoplay=true

November Rain
by Philip Clark

I've searched all over but I've still yet to find
A love that's painless but I know that it's mine
Broke my heart in so many places you'd wonder if it worked anymore
Now spring came to us and brought us a smile
Then summer defected like it went out of style
And the chill came straight into autumn and stayed after you walked out the door

From lightning to thunder
From fire to ice
Our love was foolish
Needn't tell me twice
But I still can't find a solution to all this pain
Now the tears keep tumbling down like November rain
November rain

I looked all over for a love that would last
To find I'm a victim to the sins of the past
Won your trust then tore it to pieces and found out that I'm less of a man
I searched for the truth and I search for the lies
To find I'm an idiot. Hey that ain't no surprise
But I tried so hard to please you and I'm still doing the best that I can

From lightning to thunder
From fire to ice
Our love was foolish
Needn't tell me twice
But I still can't find a solution to all this pain
Now the tears keep tumbling down like November rain

November rain
November rain
November rain

[Solo]

From lightning to thunder
From fire to ice
Our love was foolish
Needn't tell me twice
But I still can't find a solution to all this pain
And I feel that it might be enough to drive me insane
Now the tears keep tumbling down like November rain
November rain
November rain
November rain

credits
released 15 May 2010

to market, to market

2010-05-16T04:57:00.004-05:00

Well, I woke up yesterday (Saturday) morning, and it was overcast and rather miserable here in HK..then again, just about every morning it is overcast and miserable here in HK...the smog here buts LA to shame...but if we're lucky, it clears up for a bit and there is actually a blue sky...it takes a bit though. ANd not knowing if the rain in the forecast was going to actualize or not, I decided to take a walkabout in Kowloon in TST - Tsim Sha Tsui - for a bit. I got a wee bit lost wandering about...but no worries, I was soon accosted by the Indians on Canton Road who tried to stop me every few feet to offer me a fake Rolex...missy, missy! I can still hear them....fortunately, I'm used to this by now from my experience in the night markets, so I just smile, shake my head and keep walking.

TST is an interesting place. There are a few museums in the area, but I just wasn't in the museum mode. It's also an interesting cross of tourist areas and residential areas...sort of feels like Forrest Hills in Queens...but much, much more crowded. I was tempted to take the Star Ferry back into HK, but it was too cloudy to enjoy it, so I hopped back on the metro. I've been wanting to brunch in Soho, so I clambered up the hill to Soho and found Soho-8, a quaint little place with an open-aired spot where I could watch the crowd step off the Mid-level escalator. It was a huge brunch, which I only finished part of...two scrambled eggs, four pieces of toast, two huge pieces of bacon, baked beans, chorizo sausage and potatoes, oh, and fruit...pineapple, watermelon, and the strange fruit that I don't know what it's name is but it looks a bit like caviar.

In any case, it was yummy, and filling - despite the fact that I only finished half of it. The waitress actually inquired if there was something wrong with it as I left so much...little does she know that my breakfast typically consists of a piece of toast with peanut butter and half a watermelon...

After what I deemed a hearty meal, I decided to bite the bullet and trek out to Lantau - which is a neighboring island...it's readily accessible by metro, though it is a bit of a trek. The metro here is incredibly clean and relatively easy to use...well, easy once you figure out the names of the places, where the interchanges are and how to use your Octopus Card...the most difficult part of the journey is exiting the metro. Unlike any other system I've been on, you need to know the street name and exit that you want to take - because the stations are huge and have multiple exits. So though you may want to go to Mong Kok, you need to know that you want to exit at B1 to surface a certain street. The metro is also connected to every major mall in town, and is essentially a mall of it's own...so it's possible to never actually breathe outside air in this town...

In any case, I took the 45 min ride to Tung Chung, where I hoped to connect to the Ngong Ping Skyrail.

Holy crap.

I had absolutely no clue what I was in for.

Just go here and here if you'd like to see the unbelieveable thing I did. I mean, I thought the Tram Ride up to Victoria Peak was mind-blowing...the Skyrail though? Whole 'nother ballgame.

It was incredible though...and I'm glad that I did it. The Big Buddha (Tian Tan Buddha) was amazing, and it is certainly an experience I will never forget. To see a 111 foot Buddha just sitting in the midst of the cloudy mountains was spectacular and the opportunity to walk through the Po Lin Monastery and then to wander down the Wisdom Path to the beginning of the Lantau Peak trail...unbelievable.

I could have used without a cable car with a glass bottom though...when they said 360 degree views, they weren't kidding...it's a 3.5 mile ride about 160 feet up in the air...over a bay and mountains...lots and lots of mountains...there are more than a few hiking trails around this area too...but I'm not much of a hiker.

I did purchase a very nice set of chopsticks there, and a quaint little statue - because I'm born in the year of the Rat..and hey, it was only $2USD...

I pretty much crashed on Saturday night. I remember having a Kirin and chatting with Peter for 20 minutes and then sleeping...I slept through solid 10 hours....a much needed good nights rest...

But as I'm wont to do here, it wasn't my only adventure this weekend. No, I insisted on getting up this morning and going deeper in Kowloon. This time I wanted to hit the Flower Market, the Bird Market and the Ladies' Market...it was a good plan. I had an idea of where I was going...I thought it would be easy.

Ummmm...no. Not so easy.

I got lost. Seriously lost. In fact, I was looking at a map an hour ago and I still have no idea where the hell I was. All I know is that no one in the area spoke English, that everything looks the same in some areas near Argyle and Nathan Roads and oh, there are more than a few places where I am a good head taller than everyone, and I am also the only blonde I've saw all day. I also noticed that Asian men tend to stare at my chest - and it's not because they're only as tall as my chest, but no, they're purposely gawking...in any case, I am amused.

That said, I eventually sat down at a McDonald's to get my bearings...my first American meal since I've been here - that is, if you consider McDonald's American fare...once my gnawing stomach was sated I walked a couple more blocks before I found the sign to the Flower Market. ANd oh, I don't know when I've been more elated in my life. I mean, after you're walking around for a two hours and you can't find something, it is a miracle to find a sign. And I wasn't disappointed - the Flower Market was lovely...three or four streets of nothing but fresh flowers...incredibly fragrant and a welcome change from all the grit and grime I'd been navigating. While I was lost though, I did stumble on a few very cool outdoor farmer's market of sorts - there are a lot of them in town...there are grocery markets here, but the food looks better on the street...though 99% of the time I have no clue what exactly I'm looking at.

Luckily, too, the Bird Market is right next to the Flower Market...birds are revered here...very much like dogs are in the US at the AKC shows...but this is much more low key...but louder, much louder...the birds are encouraged to sing, and oh, it is so pretty...some of the birds are for sale, but for the most part it's just a bunch of natives bringing their favorite pets out to be social. Great fun actually. Though as a Westerner, and one of the few women in the area, I was pretty much ignored. Not a problem, really, for I have this amazing handbook that has pretty much been my bible since I've arrived called Exploring Hong Kong by Steven Bailey that had prepped me for this little walkabout...

I was a bit concerned that it had taken me so long to find the two markets that I would have difficulty finding the Goldfish market or the Ladies Market...well, no worries at all - I wandered over to the Ladies Market no problem - and then as great fortune would have it, wound up at my favorite market here - Temple Street - so I walked for a bit and picked up the neatest knock-offs I found yet - the Friendship bracelet from Links...Lara had tipped me off that I could find them here - they're exact replicas of the significantly more expensive items to be found at the malls...so I picked up a few of those and some cashmere scarves...I am absolutely going to need a bigger suitcase for my trek home....which I'm planning on purchasing next weekend when I trek back into Shenzhen...

In any case, very long post today...but I was in a rambling mode...on foot and now herein.

It was a good day - a little better than yesterday actually...in part because the glass-bottomed cable car scared the hell out of me, but I did it and so I'm proud of me...but as each day goes by I realize how grand it would be to share the day with him...because I know he would have loved experiencing all that I am seeing. Then again, he would have been a pain in the ass until we trekked on those bloody hiking trails...so maybe it's best that I did it on my own...

okay, Kirin time...more later, perhaps...

Right now though,.and exhausted. I am absolutely, physically exhausted.

HK week 3

2010-05-14T08:18:00.007-05:00

so somehow I managed to survive another week on the other side of the world.

It's been an interesting experience.

I learned this week that the food tastes better here...even though there are always bones in your chicken dishes unless you ask to have them removed.

I learned that work hard/play harder isn't only formerly a popular Nike-ad, it's a way of life here....5 13-hour days at the office this week...and counting...

I learned that I can purchase something at 20% of the asking price. (and that it (cashmere) feels even better when you do *grins*)

I learned that a smile from a stranger is a universal kindness in the face of inconceivable cruelty.

And I learned this week that the man whom I once called my best friend, the man I called family for 22-some years got married.

I wasn't invited to the wedding.

Indeed, I wasn't even a figment of imagination on the guest-list. Which is sad, because I would have liked to have seen him share his vows, to share in his joy. I would have liked to bear witness to the life that I have witnessed him live thus far. And to wish him well on his journey - on this remarkable occasion.

But I wasn't on the guest list, hell, I wasn't even on the radar. And yes, it hurt me - because I have known Kevin for all of my adult life, and all I have ever wanted for him was his happiness. And yes, I miss him in my fashion, and I've questioned myself time and time again why I didn't want more with him...but the answer has been so simple...I just didn't. I haven't wanted more with him since I was, oh, 20? 19? When I met McNeilly and I discovered passion....and then somewhere along the way I realized that inasmuch as I loved Kevin, I wasn't in love with him.

In any case, he always wondered how people could so readily come in and out of my life. I daresay he understands it now....but then again, I have more hope than he did, and does.

I do hope they're happy though. And I pray that she brings him all the happiness that I never could.

And I find it fascinating that my reaction to the news was to pick up the phone and call Christopher.

Yeppers...if that isn't revealing I don't know what is.

But my rationalization was that I'm not going to do what Kevin did. I am not going to let someone who I professed to mean so much actually mean so little.

So I picked up the phone.

In part because Peter was at school and I have the redhead's number memorized...but truth told, I wanted to prove to my universe that I was different. That Chris and I were different. And yes, I know he lied to me. I know he lied to himself. And I know that despite all this, I will love him til the day that I die.

And it was so good to chat with him. To catch up. To know that so much, and so little is still the same.

He's still complacent.

He's not "leaving" Kim. No..I daresay he's waiting for her to make a decision so that he doesn't have to. And that's fine, that's just who he is. And yes, there is a part of me that is sad at this...because who the hell wants to live a complacent life? He does, apparently. And so it is what it is.

But yes, I do miss him. Still.

And yes, he is a "threat" to my relationship with Peter. And Peter knows it. He's always known it. He's known it since I glowed once...just mentioning his name at the Cloisters. And yet, Peter and I are here, building something grand.

Will it survive?

Who the hell knows.

But I am willing to bet on it - and I'm willing to say to the world that I'm trying...that I adore him to the marrow of my bones...and that he gets me...all in. No man yet has truly dared to try.

And yet, what I haven't told, and what I herein confess, is that after so much time on the phone with the redhead? well, I called Stephen.

Had to look up the number because I only remembered 513...the rest was a jumble of numbers.

Yep - rather shocking to me that I felt compelled to do so, but there it is.

And the best part? The connection dropped after "how are you?" I didn't call back. I didn't need to.

I am so very very glad that the Fates have been kind to me. I have known such extraordinary men. I have lived and continue to live an extraordinary life. I'm in HK after all...who the hell thought I'd ever be here of all places?

And what is so marvelous is that I can sit here at such great distance and marvel on my life. And I can sit here, and do sit here honestly and assess my life.

I have no idea where I am going next. I just know that I have some concept of home, and I have a man who loves me. A man who understands that if/when Chris or Tim or some other man I once professed so avidly, so profoundly to love, knocks? Well, I'm going to contemplate and query...because this is who I am. And if I'm not the luckiest woman in the world to have finally, FINALLY found a man who gets that - who gets me, then I don't know who is.

I love Peter. Methinks I have always loved Peter. It's quite impossible not to love the man - after all, he puts up with all of me, and that's rather remarkable. And oh, I do miss him...and I would be less me without him...and there are pieces of me that refuse to digest the fact that he's moving in with me, that we're building a life together...and yet, there it is...there we are. And I couldn't imagine doing any differently right now.

In any case, it is Friday night and I have put in a very very long week...tomorrow I've a date with very large Buddha...lucky, lucky me...

the lesson of the moth

2010-05-12T18:15:00.000-05:00

the lesson of the moth

By Don Marquis, in "archy and mehitabel," 1927

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

archy

heel toe heal

2010-05-12T08:48:00.010-05:00

I am seriously wondering which foot goes affront which..

the right...

or the left.

I am going to find a Buddha this weekend. A great big Buddha...on Lantau....And then I'm going to have a little chat with said Buddha.

And then I'm going to listen.

good day

2010-05-10T07:40:00.002-05:00

long day at office + hot shower + ice cold Sapporo = perfect day...

well, only thing more perfect would be a foot massage by a certain someone whilst I'm enjoying said Sapporo, but hey, ya can't have everything....after all, that's why there is hope...

that said, I did good today...and on top of doing good, I managed to put a seed in the powers that be that not only would I mind staying here in HK, but I wouldn't mind transitioning to the client side of the business to help relieve them of some stress...

sooooo....

does anyone see ex-pat in my future?

possibly, possibly...

in any case, I'm just pleased as punch that it's 8:52 p.m. and I'm just getting out of the shower and going to enjoy an ice cold Sapporo and turn off my brain a bit...

because tomorrow is Tuesday...and I just adore Tuesdays.

mitzpah

slow Sunday...part deux

2010-05-09T02:08:00.004-05:00

so what are my impressions of HK?

Well, I like it well enough. It is incredibly clean here and the locals, well for the most part, the locals are friendly. But that's only what they want you to see...such is the case anywhere on the planet though - outsiders are outsiders no matter which way you slice it.

I'm getting used to the hills too - they're incredibly steep - with lots of narrow streets that weave and wind between the main thoroughfares.

I don't think I've ever seen as many luxury cars in such a small space either - and we're not talking Mercedes...no, this is the land of the Maserati and Lamborghini and Porsche...performance vehicles that can handle the curves.

I'm also very impressed with how respectful everyone is to their elders...senior citizens take priority here - and the same case with money...when proffering your cash to the recipient, you always hand it with two hands and receive with two hands. Same with business cards. There is something ritualistic about it - and quite nice.

I'm also staying in a very Westernized neighborhood, so everything is in English and Cantonese...however, if you go ten blocks to the East, everything is in Cantonese...and you're left guessing what you're eating and what you're looking at.

I very much enjoy going to the markets. It is fun to dicker with the shop-keeps...I'll be sure to ramble about some of the crazier adventures I've had at some point in the near future. It's all been a bit of madness at the markets, but I do love it, and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about being at home and paying the sticker price for everything again.

The food by the by, is absolutely amazing - I think it has to do with the fact that so much is new to my palate. But I think it's also the freshness of the food - the ingredients are richer and there is more texture to things. And here I thought I was going to lose ten pounds here! Ha. Not bloody likely.

All in all it feels very much like NYC...excepting that the streets are more narrow, there is a big hill, and everything is in two languages...and oh, they drive on the opposite side of the street, so that's a bit to get used to.

I've also discovered that if you attend the movies - not only do you reserve the time you want to attend, but you also reserve your seat. Very different than the American free-for-all.

Generally, we work longer hours here too...though we arrive later to work...9 - 9:30 is average. You do take a full hour for lunch out of the office - there is no company cafeteria in the building - and then you work until 8 to 9 at night...it's a long work week.

Weekends are absolutely for playing...and it's either jetting off to a nearby country or clubbing until the wee hours. Fortunately for me, I'm here in a foreign country already, and the only destinations I've got planned is Macau and then back to Shenzhen...I may get over to Lantau as well - there is a big bronze Buddha there that I'd like to see firsthand...but we'll see how the week and the weather goes. Anything is possible here..

I've yet to ride the Star Ferry too - and I'd like to do that this week. And to see the light show that goes on at 8 pm every night from the Avenue of the Stars on the Kowloon side...unfortunately I've been getting out of work too late and am too tired to trek over there after a full day...further the weather here is for shite in the evening. All the smog can be ridiculous...it puts LA's smog to shame...

In any case, need another cup of tea...more again in a bit..

slow Sunday

2010-05-09T01:48:00.002-05:00

so last night, I made a terrible decision...I set up my pillows and made what I thought was a cozy little bed on the floor.

I slept like a baby...best night's sleep I've had since I arrived. 9 solid hours.

Upon waking up though, well, let's just say that I discovered that while sleeping on the floor is good, waking up on the floor is not good. And so, I've been in considerable pain for most of the day...had to cancel my afternoon adventure with Lara and S. because I just don't think that I could've handled meeting a whole bunch of new people with a smile on my face today...

And so I'm taking a "down-day"...the most effort I've exerted has been a walk to the market for some water and to the electronics store for a webcam...

And now I'm going to chill...read a book and enjoy my day off from sightseeing, from working, from all the madding crowd and just chill.

I did, however, think to ramble a bit, just to chronicle some of the sights and sounds and my impression of them. I chatted at length with Jules tonight, and she asked what I thought of things here - what I really thought. And so I'm of a mind to ramble again for a bit...first though, I'm going to make some tea.

more in a bit.

good joss

2010-05-07T09:45:00.005-05:00

so tonight I'm watching Noble House. I figured it was apropos...and it's been a long week, and I daresay I'll be asleep within the hour...

long, long week. But I made some massive progress at the office and I'm glad for it. Nice to know that I'm building things here...making my mark and then moving on.

I put my CV in the hands of a local exec recruiter. Should be interesting to see what happens. I believe in fate...that the old souls write their own zodiacs...and so here I am, on the other side of the world, in a land I never thought I'd see.

Tomorrow I'm off to Stanley. The other side of the island...should be a fun trip. I have no idea what I'll find over there...I just know that I have the desire to go and so I shall.

More on the morrow perhaps - too tired now to deal with a computer screen any longer tonight.

isn't there something more?

2010-05-06T08:10:00.003-05:00

Yes...there is always something more...that's the adventure that is life...one never really knows what is around the corner, and personally, I like it that way...

can't say I'm particularly fond of not always not knowing, but it is what it is, and so I embrace it - because there aren't many other options that are palpable to me...

That said, I "heard" from Tim today - I wasn't expecting it...and yet, maybe I was. I know that he is someone who will come and go from my life, and so I have reconciled myself to it. The experience reminds me a bit of my Waiting for Stephen period...ala Waiting for Godot...I went somewhat mad during that time - and in retrospect, I'm still not sure what to make of it.

And so, every now and then Peter and I have the "deep talks" - the: what-would-you-do-if-so-and-so-walked-back-into-your-life- talks...

Honestly, I have no clue.

I try not to get too caught up in the what-ifs anymore.

I know that I wasted so much of my time waiting for Stephen to come back. I really, really thought that he would wake up one day and realize that we were more important than everything.

But he never did.

And I won't claim to say that fact didn't hurt me then, nor that is doesn't hurt me now.

See, I'm one of those people that goes all-in...

And with Stephen, well, I went all-in and then some.

My love for him and his subsequent rejection of my life has left a scar upon my soul so deep that it will never heal.

And there are moments when I hate that - when I recognize how deep that wound is...and I hate that I can't ever seem to shake the abyss of it...

I have though, done my best to move on.

And so I managed to find myself again - to not be lost in the memory of something else...and I fell in love with Christopher...the redhead...the chap whom even today, well, merely thinking about him makes me smile.

And yes, I know that he treated me poorly, and that he lied to me time and again - and the fact that he was lying to himself is no excuse either - and I recognize too, that it says a hell of a lot about me that I felt for him the way I did then and the way I do now...but it just is what it is. Sometimes you just can't not.

But you do choose. And so I chose to walk away. Heel toe heal. From Stephen. From Christopher. From all the other men who have come and gone from this path of mine.

Would I take any of them back?

Probably.

Will that devastate Peter?

Absolutely.

Will it happen?

I have no clue. And I don't care to ponder on it much. I know what I'm capable of, and I can't say that I'm particularly happy with that knowledge. But would I intentionally and maliciously hurt someone. No. And I know that right now, in this very moment, I know the love of a marvelous human being who makes me feel so very, very alive. And he's here, even though he's an ocean and continent and then some away...and I know that I care for him more than I have most men. Because he's just him, and I love who I am with and without him. I know that he has much to teach me, and that I have much to learn. And I hope and pray that I give him back and then some, all the love in the world that he has shared and shares with me. Still.

And we would both be fools if we didn't think that there was more for us - because there is always more...it's called hope...and it's the best of Pandora's box.

That said, yes, I do miss Tim - yet another of the men of my life, but it's more of a well, I wonder what could have happened had circumstances been different...and I wonder what could have happened with Chris had we more time...and I wonder about Kirk had we more honesty...because that's a good place to wonder and wander to now and again...

But none of those men are here with me now. Now as I contemplate interviewing for a new position here in Hong Kong - as I contemplate taking my life and moving it across the world just because I can...But I swear on Margaret's memory, that there is only one man I'm contemplating would join me here..now. And he knows who he is - because like me, he chooses us - here. Now. Even at this distance.

There is something more.

And what's grand is that I have the power to make it so.

And so I shall.

enter Lara...stage right.

2010-05-05T11:19:00.002-05:00

"we ate curry, drank a bottle of wine and ate cheese (Thank you -- she brought over a motherload of good stuff). I could have chatted with her all night. she's my sort of woman!"
-LW

yep...my thoughts exactly.

good night...long day...

more on the morrow

We'll just have to learn to trust each other...

2010-05-04T08:20:00.002-05:00

"Give You Back"
--Vertical Horizon--

I need to know if you were real
'Cause I've been known to get it wrong
When the memory comes
I'll say I'm always in the dark
You got me now

[Chorus]
I want to give you back
I want to give you back
Somewhere out of here
I want to give you
I want to give you
I want to give you back

I can't remember how it went
You looked like everything I wanted
And as you came along
Slowly everything began to change
I got you now

[Chorus]

That's enough
Just talking about it
I don't mind
I don't mind no I
Laugh enough
Just dreaming about it

I need to know if you were real
I'd hate to think that I'd been fooled again
And as the vision fades
I'll say I was blinded by your eyes
I felt them burn

Another long day at the office - but at least this one was productive. I walked out at 7:45, because enough is just enough.

And I bought myself a present: the Alias series...because I could....

enjoyed this song from the soundtrack....

okay, back to skype - praise Allah for skype actually...it's the only thing that keeps me connected with friends and family...and that, well, that is a damn fine thing. Especially on Tuesdays...when I need the assurance of all the love in the world.

I wasn't sure how much I'd miss my monkey while I'm here...monkey...my nickname for "that guy" in my life...and oh, I hate that I know exactly how much I do miss him. But it's only a couple of weeks before I'm home again - and that is a good thing. Though I do adore travel, and I am absolutely LOVING the fact that I have a maid 3x a week - I also would love to be sleeping in my own bed again. And to be able to wake up next to someone who loves me for who I am...even with all my foibles and quirks...indeed loves me because of them...

And I daresay that I'll always wish he was taller...that he was younger...that he was more Chris and less Stephen...or whomever the id-jit du jour is...but one thing I'm certain of, is that he's mine...and that, well, that's amazing.

All I've ever really wanted was to be loved. Body AND soul. I've wanted truth and time too - and I get that...still not sure how it happened, but there it is, and it's grand.

I'm a little melancholy of late - in part because I'm menstrual and my hormones are all over the place - I'm also on the other side of the world and I'm working my ass off for God only knows what reason...and I'm tired today...long day...and it bugs me that I don't know why I care so damn much...

In any case, Curt's waiting for me on Skype...more later, perhaps.

Monday Monday

2010-05-03T08:58:00.003-05:00

This is probably the longest workday I've put in since, oh 2003...

and I can hardly believe that I'm picking up virtual pen and paper...but when you put in a 14 hour day - well, you write about it.

IlovemyjobIlovemyjobIlovemyjob...

ummmmm, No, I don't - but I'm managing.

In any case, I'm exhausted. But I feel compelled to write - for tonight I received the saddest news...I can't imagine losing a parent, let alone losing two...and so my thoughts and prayers go out to my dear friend, whom I adore so very much...

it just hurts to know that someone I care for so much needs to endure such pain...

And there is so little I can do from the other side of the planet...except be a friend and offer safe haven.

I heard from my only two familiar faces in HK tonight...Peter's sister, and my former colleague, Jonathan. It appears that I will continue to "make friends and influence people" even at this distance.

And the team at the office is friendly...well, as friendly as one can be given the volume of the work that we are doing. On top of everything else that is happening, it's hiring season at the firm, and life is more than a bit of madness. I put out my last offer at 9:52 p.m. local time and then I said "eff-it" - time to go home.

And so I'm home...just a few blocks from the office. And tomorrow I get up and do it again.

I swear, they don't pay me enough to do this.

The good news though is that my strategy is to make some extraordinary contacts here and then leverage relationships for back home. I'm 99% confident that I can do it - and so I shall do my best. Worst case, I work my ass off here and nothing comes of it. Impossible to say right now.

In any case, I am confident that good things will continue to come my way - and that is just fine by me. I am just feeling so disconnected tonight - everyone and everything that is familiar to me is so very far away...and yes, granted, the noodles I had tonight were probably the best noodles I've ever had- but oh, I do miss the comforts of home. And the thought of sleeping on the couch again when I have this unbelievably comfortable bed on the other side of the planet...ah, it just wears on my soul a bit.

And though it seems such a small thing - well, I'd just about give my right hand for a hug right about now...just to connect, to be in connection with someone who knows me...instead of this sea of faces that look so unfamiliar to me.

I did have a nice chat with one of the Aussies tonight though...and I understand completely why the ex-pats all bond together so...

it's a small comfort to be close in such a foreign place...

Okay, uber-hot shower in my future and then to bed. Tomorrow, praise Allah is Tuesday...which is a grand, grand thing indeed.

HK to PRC

2010-04-30T17:14:00.008-05:00

"The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant."
--Max DePree

So this morning I woke up at 4:30 a.m....probably had something to do with the fact that I went to bed at 10 p.m.

Participated in the most ridiculous conference call ever after a 12 hour day at the office, thoroughly enjoyed 2.5 Kirins and then crashed...and oh, did I crash. So at 4:30 I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed...

But oh, I do love my life. I really do live a charmed life and I'm more than a little aware of it. I mean, how many people get to visit a foreign country for 6 weeks on the company dime? Granted, I'm going, and already am, working my ass off here - but end game: I like to work. I like to be needed, and to know that I am contributing to something. I've been stagnating back in NYC and I know it. And so, here I am, carving out something new for myself - and I'm thoroughly enjoying it.

Fred asked me tonight if I would relocate to HK.

Absolutely. I can do anything for a year, and I can do it anywhere for a year. After all, in my book, life is about experience - and this is quite an experience.

Life is different here - though it looks and feels very much like NYC, there is a synergy that isn't found in NYC - or rather, if it's there, I haven't felt it in a mighty long time. And I'm sure that it has something to do with the fact that I've become complacent - in part because I'm scared. Commitment hasn't really been something I've been able to do well since Stephen, and I know it. In retrospect, the redhead didn't help much either - one foot in/one foot out of his life with Kim didn't leave much bandwith to share with me...and I do wonder now, looking back, just how much he lied to me. I claim to have such little tolerance for people who are not living authentically, and yet, well, there ya go...Meg = inauthentic man-magnet....even Kirk wasn't able to tell me what was really going on in his head with whatever his ex-girlfriend's name was...which is a damn shame really, because I really liked Kirk and could have imagined a life with him.

There are moments when I truly wonder if I could ever "settle-down" with someone...even so much as I have claimed that I want someone...

which leads me to Peter.

And oh, I do love Peter. It's kind of difficult not to be in love with your best friend...someone who even across thousands of miles can tell that I'm completely stressed out and overwhelmed by all the obligations I feel to keep everyone back at home up to speed on how I'm doing over here...and I really only have from 7 a.m. to 8 a.m. HK time to chat, and then again right before bed...it's a lot on a body when one factors in adjusting to an entirely different culture when one doesn't know one's way around...and HK is pretty much information-overdrive 24/7. It certainly helps that all the signs are in Chinese and English - but the names are unfamiliar and the lay of the land is not a simple grid.

I'm managing though, because I always manage to manage. Heck, you could drop me in Antarctica in a bikini and I'd figure my way around right quick.

In any case, where was I going with this? Oh yes, Peter. All is well on the Peter front - which is undoubtedly pissing Tim off somewhere. But I tell ya, I'm not standing around wasting my time waiting on a man that needs to get his shit together. It's just not happening. And although Peter is going through a ton of crap right now, he's letting me get through it with him - and I daresay two heads are better than one in this case. So we're doing our best to build a life together - even though I'm on the other side of the planet.

And yes, I have my doubts about his moving in and this relationship leading to marriage and happily-ever-after and all that jazz...but ya know, if ya don't take a leap, you'll never know if you're going to fall or take flight. And though this might seem like a terrible thing to some other people, I know for a fact that if the magical someone came along that Peter just couldn't live without, suddenly appeared or re-appeared in his life, that I would support him 100% in pursuing that relationship. Granted, it would hurt like hell, but I only want what's best for him and it's grand that he wants that too, for me.

I'm at a time and place in my life where I know that I want a partner - and I know EXACTLY what partnership means to me - and I'm willing to give it and share it and put myself out there. And if other people look at the two of us and just don't understand? Well, learn or get out of my way.

I know that Fred is having a tough time digesting our relationship - she sees me with some tall, dark, handsome doctor-dude who will love me to pieces and we'll make beautiful babies together...yes well, I tried that path. His name was Stephen. And then Lawlor. And then Christopher...and there were a couple more in between. Where are those men today? Who the hell knows. I certainly don't - and quite frankly, I no longer care. I do wish each and everyone of them every happiness. Just not with me. None of them were able nor willing to stand the test of time, and so they don't...though they are fond memories, and I will continue to love them all in my fashion. And yes, I wish they were each still with me, I would love to love and be loved with them...but it's just not going to happen and I've come to terms with that. They have each clearly chosen a path which is not me. And it's just so cool to be able to sit here today and say I'm okay with that.

It's a grand thing indeed to know the power of open arms....but I've also learned about friendship - about grace...about kindness...and what is so grand is that even at this great distance, I know EXACTLY who my friends are - and I can count them on one hand. And it is so bloody awesome to know that if something truly bad happened to me here, I could pick up the phone and there are more than a handful of people who would drop everything, get on a plane and be here with me...be here for me. And if that isn't a charmed life, I don't know what is.

And yes, I do miss Kevin. I miss Elizabeth. I miss Linda and in some crazy way I miss Susan. Quite simply, I miss some of the radiant souls whom I once so proudly called my friends - but that time of friendship has come and gone and I am more than a little okay with it. As strange as this sounds I have the sneaky feeling that I'm going to head back to NYC and realize that I'm just done with it. Done.

Four letters.

Haven't felt the strength nor power of four letters in a mighty long time.

It's a fine feeling indeed when one can sit and muse and embrace that which just is. I've missed getting up early in the morning and rambling like this. It helps keep life in perspective. Also keeps me seriously grounded, which is important when life if throwing a bunch of stuff at you at the same time.

In any case, I'm hungry now...praise Allah for oatmeal...

headed to Shenzhen today for a shopping excursion...can't wait to see what adventures are in store!

One down, five to go

2010-04-30T08:46:00.002-05:00

I am delighted to report that the work-week is FINALLY through here, and as of 5 minutes ago, 9:46 HK-time, I am FINALLY signing off for the weekend.

It was a tough week work-wise. I only had a few days to digest everything that my colleague has done in the last six months so that I can turn things over in another month to my replacement.

But today I had dim-sum in a phenomenal Chinese restaurant, so all is well in my world. I've also just gulped down my second Kirin - so this will be a "feel-good" post if ever there was one.

I've had a truly remarkable entry into Hong Kong life - hereinafter "HK" because I'm just too bloody lazy to spell it all out. It was a good week - I learned how to exchange money, take the escalators into Soho and LFK, navigate the metro, find the markets, procure an Octopus card, bargain in the markets...all this while managing to put in 14 hour days at the office. We work hard, play harder here.

I will, however, manage to have a "life" here...which is to say, that I'm going to play hard too...headed to Shenzhen tomorrow - now that I have my Visa I can roam around Mainland a bit, which is a good thing.

The weather has not been particularly kind...it is cloudy here during the day - a strange combination of island overcast/urban haze...and last night it rained and rained and rained...today though, the clouds broke and I actually got to see a bit of sky...it's such a surreal thing to see the concrete buildings juxtaposed against the water and the mountains...

All in all though, I like it here.

There is a marked difference between the natives and the Westerners...but that is to be expected. If ever it irks me in the office, I just remind myself that I'm here for a short while, and that discrimination and bigotry exist everywhere. Granted, it doesn't help much that I'm a blue-eyed blonde that towers over most people - but I try not to let it bother me too much.

It actually amazes me the amount of Western culture that has infiltrated the area...granted, I can't read nor understand 99% of the items at the grocery market, but everywhere else it's incredibly easy to get around. The whole of the city looks and feels very much like NYC - and I'm amazed by how friendly people are. Then again, I'm coming to realize that I'm just an incredibly social creature when I'm out and about - so it's easy to feel comfortable everywhere.

I'm also staying at a corporate apt...and there are a number of ex-pats here...transplants just like me...so that adds to the general comraderie...we're all in this together-mentality.

I am, however, continually impressed by how clean everything is over here. I mean, I have a maid who comes three times a week to make my bed and tidy up the place...it's quite a treat actually...something I am sure that I will miss when I'm back home. The streets however, and the metro are immaculate. This morning, even - after a night of considerate rainfall, I found the building maintenance power-washing the front walk...and at work, they clean the ladies room 7x a day...

I'm also particularly impressed by how much respect is paid to the elderly here...it's a kind culture from what I've seen so far, and I daresay that Americans have a lot to learn and there is very good reason for so many culture's distaste of our ways...

In any case, I am tired...practically exhausted even...and tomorrow is a big day. After all, I'm headed to China. CHINA! Holy crap. I mean, I've contemplated travelling many places, but China was probably towards the bottom of my list and now...well, here I am...headed into China.

I love my life...I really, really love my life...and all the people in it.

mitzpah.

Kowloon

2010-04-28T11:01:00.002-05:00

So all sorts of good things to report...I'm already behind in my chronicling my adventure here - but honestly, sometimes life needs to be lived and then rambled about...

that said - hours at work are LONG here...12 - 14 hours is typical. However, I do make it a point to play hard too - so last night we went to dinner in Soho, and tonight we went to the night markets in Kowloon.

Kowloon - it's kind of New York like on drugs.... Or rather, the street fairs that I love so much in Manhattan on acid. Granted, I love my streetfairs, but this one is so jam packed that it's beyond information overload. I purchased a couple of items - in part because I need to hone my bargaining skills for the trip to Shenzhen on Saturday...the knock-offs here are pretty darn good - and Shenzhen is supposed to be better and less expensive...

Took my first trip on the MTR - the metro here - used my Octopus card, which is a debit card for all sorts of things here - grocery, metro etc....the metro is incredibly clean, and moves very efficiently...kind of a cross between Wash DC metro and the best laid monorails at airports. It is a bit confusing though - there are multiple exits to streets at each station stop - so you really need to know where you're going - and pay close attention to the signs. But it was a good experience all in all - and it's grand to have Michelle here as my tour guide.

For better or worse though, I'm wide awake at midnight - and that is not a good thing, because I've got a killer day ahead tomorrow.

That said, I am enjoying myself here so far.

I have a ton of correspondence to return - most of which I'll get to tomorrow. Must wind down now...

Oh, and side note to Henry - mailed postcards today :-) Wonder how long it'll take to get back stateside...

HK - Day One

2010-04-25T02:06:00.003-05:00

A good start to Day One...managed to get in a little sleep - spent a bit of time on Skype - logged onto Facebook too, where I haven't been in an age...good to see a few faces that had been missing from my universe for a bit...

Met up with Michelle for a quick tour of the neighborhood - it feels exactly like NYC - which is good and bad. I will absolutely lose a couple of pounds here with all the walking about that I'll be doing - there are hills upon hills here...and everything goes up...and up...and up...and up.

I'm staying in an area called Central - indeed, the local landmark here is called The Center - so it's easy enough to "center" myself. We took the escalators up into Soho and over towards CKC - so I know where I'm headed to work in the morning...had lunch in Lan Kwok Fong - at a little Australian place that I can't remember the name of because my head is still full of all the sights I've seen over the last few hours...tasty lunch though...will definitely hold me through dinnertime...just need to focus on keeping myself awake until a decent bedtime...it's going to be a long day at the office tomorrow.

A couple of things I noticed...that in Central - well, it's very Westernized - which is comforting - however, earlier in the day there were women sitting everywhere - the amahs, or house-help sitting everywhere - it's quite a sight to behold. I'll take pictures next weekend...but apparently, the Filipino workers have Sunday's off, so they gather together in public spaces and sit for the day, sharing meals and stories...and it's right out in the open...and not in the parks either, but right there in the escalator halls and in the corridors between the buildings.

The streets are very narrow too, and we walked through a couple of "lanes" which are the narrow walkways between the buildings which are jam packed with shops...filled with knick-knacks galore...definitely require more exploration, but today was just literally about a walk-through.

I did, however, make my first purchases in town - an Octopus card, which is a necessity for getting around on public transportation; two plastic grocery bags - because the markets are all into recycling and they do not provide bags; oh, and I bought lunch - which was great, because I had to learn a couple of cultural norms here - how to present and receive money..always with two hands to the receiver in a sign of respect.

It's a little odd acclimating to the money here - I've decided I'm just going to divide all the amounts by 10, even though the exchange rate is almost 8USD:1HK ...it's just easier to do in my head...but I had to admit there was a bit of sticker shock at first that my first foray to the market cost me 291.80...ouch! fortunately, that's HK dollars, so it's really not so bad for some basic staples...

I've promised myself that I'm going to lose one dress size here - which shouldn't be too difficult - there is a ton of walking ahead of me...and it's all up and down hills.

In any case, it was a good first day roaming around, and it is an absolute blessing to have Michelle here for a few more days. We're going to secure me a Visa for the weekend so that I can go into Mainland China...definitely something I'm looking forward to...however, for the moment I'm exhausted just thinking about it...going to go take off my shoes a rest a bit...brew a cup of tea and relax...

NYC to Hong Kong

2010-04-24T16:38:00.003-05:00

So it's a 16 hour flight from NYC to Hong Kong direct...and honestly, I have to admit that it wasn't too bad. Granted, I was in coach, but I had a window seat right over the wing, which is my favorite place to sit when I'm not in first class...I think I slept for three or four hours, but it's hard to say...Continental is a nice airline to fly - not a hell of a lot of legroom, which is tough for a 5'10" lass, but I managed. I wasn't particularly social with my fellow passengers - a father and son from Colombia

I'm uber-pleased that I insisted on bringing my pillow with me...it's nice to have some of the comforts of home along - especially when you're in cramped quarters.

I watched two movies in-flight and the beginning of a third, the last one I'm 99% sure that I fell asleep watching it - because I really don't remember much of it, something about men watching goats...not a particularly good movie. It's Complicated was hysterical though...

In any case, I'm a little out of it thought-wise right now. It's a strange thing to fly forever and ever and then land on the other side of the world. Our flight route was interesting too...we didn't go across the Pacific as I thought we would - instead we went up through Canada, the North Pole, down through Russia and China...at 40k feet it's hard to see much...when we did come down through China, the clouds were the strangest shade of brown I've ever seen...don't know if that was pollution or dust from the remains of that volcano...regardless, it was a weird sight.

First impression of HK? Well, I have to admit that I'm a bit spoiled - I had a driver and a Mercedes awaiting me on arrival...unfortunately, he didn't speak much English, so it was a quiet trip into town.

The driver's side is on the opposite side of the vehicle and the cars drive on the opposite side of the road than I'm used to...good thing I'm in the backseat, because that is just too much to contemplate navigating after a long flight.

The flight itself was uneventful...they served a choice of two meals for dinner and breakfast - it's a fine thing that I enjoy Chinese cuisine...going to be eating a heck of a lot of it in the next six weeks...

Customs was a piece of cake to get through - didn't ask me any questions at all...definitely a different experience than all those trips back and forth through customs in Montreal and Toronto...

My apartment is small, but well designed and comfortable. The family room/office/kitchenette room is probably 18' x 12', the bedroom has a rather hard queen platform bed, and the bath is more than adequate...would be nice to have a tub, but it's a spacious shower...will test the water pressure soon...here's hoping that it's as good as home.

I slept for about 5 hours once I put my head down...couldn't figure out the internet connection with my laptop at first...got a little miffed, finally gave up, slept, then figured it out...damn fine thing that I'm a quick study with technology...it was really frustrating to not be able to just plug in and boot up...and I'm sure that my few calls back home are going to cost a bloody fortune...but now that Skype is up and running I don't feel so disconnected - and that is a grand thing.

For the most part I'm a good traveler, and I do love an adventure...and so here I am, in the midst of a grand one...

I daresay that I'll resume rambling more often than not - in part to chronicle this adventure and also to keep myself feeling "normal"...it really is strange to be so far ahead time-wise of everything and everyone you know...

I've been doing my best to keep my head off of the actual work that I have to do ahead...suffice to say that the program here is falling apart and they've brought me in to hire a dozen people and get things in stable condition while we on-board the new program director...good thing that I embrace a challenge, because Lord knows that I'm in for one.

Oh, and delighted to report that prior to departing for HK, I had an unexpected week with Peter...his Poland trip was canceled due to the volcanic dust...it's definitely going to be difficult not physically seeing him for a month, but we have the summer to look forward to, and that, well, that keeps me grounded. I daresay that all is very, very well on the relationship-front. It is a grand thing indeed to be in love with your best friend...I honestly don't remember when I had someone who just "got me"...someone who reminds me every single day that he chooses to be with me...I tell ya, I really am the luckiest lass...

Okay, going to take a long hot shower now...it's good to be rambling again...I really have missed this place...

it's more complicated than that

2010-04-14T18:17:00.005-05:00

So it’s official…Peter gave his notice today…and he told his ex-wife that he’s moving 4 hours away…and that the boys would no longer be attending the private school that he’s been teaching at all these years…poor woman thought that he was only going to address the summer plans, and here he is dropping a bigger bombshell in her lap.

I daresay that this little thing called life is going to be a little messy for a bit.

And no, I’m not particularly happy about it – but it is what it is. All I can do, and remain, is supportive and love him.

I’m not sure exactly how it happened either, but over the course of the past 6 months I have gone from being just a friend of a this man and just being a friend of their father’s to a bestfriend/lover and pseudo-maternal figure to two teenage boys...fortunately, they all adore me, and I adore them – so we’re in good shape…it’s now the ex-wife that I need to worry about. And in truth, I’m not super worried. She’s a good woman, and I understand her – as much as she would hate to admit it…but deep down what we all want is what is best for the boys. This is, however, where I take a step back and let Peter deal with her – I don’t envy him – because she’s not the brightest bulb sometimes. Fortunately for him and her, I respect them both and the relationship they’ve had….so me, I just be supportive and keep my counsel until I’m asked for it.

That said…girth, eh?

Yes, well, I suppose I have been more than a little silent as to the intimacy I’ve shared with Peter. I’ve asked myself a couple of times why I’ve shut down that particular aspect of me…after all, this is Mad Minx Meg…the sassy switch Vixxen…and it was funny, I was talking with Peter about that very thing this past weekend. In truth, I have felt little need to do so – I’ve also struggled mightily with the transition of our friendship to being sexually intimate…recognizing fully that if it didn’t work out between us that I would be losing my best friend…and that was not something I was willing to do. So making the decision to kiss this man and have him kiss me back was huge – I can’t even begin to count the number of conversations I’ve had with myself about the differences in age, in height, and in the lives we have lived…I mean, he’s got his Ph.D. in history from an Ivy, has lived all over the world, and is now divorced twice, with a 21 year old daughter, a 14 year old son and a 17 year old stepson…and then there’s the two ex-wives, neither of whom impress me, and he’s not exactly what one would call financially savvy…and kids? Oh yeah, he’s had a vasectomy, so that’s yet another issue on the table. And oh, have I mentioned that he lives 4 hours away?

I’ve had a couple of people ask me if I know what the hell I’m doing.

Good question.

Yes and no.

There are certain things which matter to me – things which are far, far more important that the laundry list of reasons why not to be involved with this man. And quite honestly, I have no idea where this is “going” – I’m not so worried about the destination – all I know is that I am happy and that he is happy and that we’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got, and are making the rest of it up as we go along.

I have no illusions that this is going to be easy, but I do know that so long as I continue to enjoy the journey and so long as he continues to enjoy the journey that we’re going to continue this walk together…as crazy as it might seem to other people, it works for us.

As for me, I have had far, far too many men say one thing and then do another – I have no time nor space for these people any more…and I consider myself incredibly lucky that I have someone who loves me, who is doing his best not to pull that crap that others have managed with me…who knows and has lived through so many of the men who have come and gone from my life…and who has stood by and been my best friend for years…

So girth?

Yeppers…we’ve got that, and breadth and depth *grins* height, however? Well, if I don’t wear heels, we’re eye to eye…and yes, that sucks sometimes, because I do like to look up...I miss the redhead's and Dante's and Ian's height...'cause I’m still wearing heels when I want to…but we’ll deal with it, just like we deal with all the looks we get from people – looks which half the time I don’t see, because quite frankly, I’m not looking for them and I hardly give a fig what other people say…other people weren’t there when Stephen and Lawlor and Christopher shattered my heart…and sure, I suppose I could wait and see what Tim thinks he’s going to bring to the table because there is absolutely something there between us, but really? Why?

Why should I wait and contemplate what ifs? I've got now - just now. Just this breath. I've got this gorgeous, magnificent, extraordinarily courageous and honorable man whom I love. And who loves me right back. And as much as I would have loved to walk paths with all sorts of men, this is the man who chooses me - at the same time I'm choosing him.

Personally, I think that's pretty damn cool.

And it's about damn time.

And yes, he has baggage. He's got issues....ummm...pot calling kettle here...

but he knows me like no one else knows me...and I don't know when I've felt so whole...and I've almost been afraid to write it all down, because then it might mean less than it is...and who needs words here when I know what I have?

Further, I know that I won't survive another heartbreak - written or un-written herein. I know I'm strong, but there are limits to even the strongest of strong things.

I love this man. Peter. Dr. Woz. Sebastian Monkey. Mine.

It's that simple - and that complicated.

And the strangest thing is that I don't want to ramble about it - because I don't need to. When I find that I need to talk about something, I pick up the phone - and he answers...he always answers...

And the next couple of hours are going be difficult...but ya know what? This is what the living do...we breathe in...

and out.

and in...

bon voyage

2010-04-13T18:24:00.005-05:00

Hard to believe that I'm leaving the country in a little over a week. It's surreal, actually...here I am all cozy, comfortable and then YANK! pull me out of my happy place and transplant me somewhere else for a little over a month...

yes, well, I daresay that I'll be rambling a hell of a lot more once I'm over there - need to talk to somebody and talking to myself is always a good thing.

In any case, I was reading a couple of my favorite bloggers today - some interesting thoughts across the interweb...most interesting for me was probably one lass expressing concern of what she was going to do when she finally entered into a relationship - would she keep her blog up? would she censor herself?

Well, here's my unsolicited two cents...do whatever the hell you want to...and if your blog is something you can't talk about or be yourself on, well, I'd be willing to bet that you're with the wrong person.

Granted, I haven't been rambling as much as I used to, in part because I'm in a relationship with someone who sates my need to ramble about most of the life that I formerly had put into this space - but I still have this space, and so I use it when I need to. And yes, he has 100% access here - and I honestly don't care if he reads it or not - this space has nothing to do with him. And if he chose to keep a blog and ramble about whatever the devil he wanted to - well, great. I'd love him no more or less for it. Because in my book, when you love someone, you love them wholly - unconditionally. And if you can't be you, wholly, and unconditionally with someone - well, that's a problem in my book. At least for me.

And yes, I know that most people might not agree with me, but quite frankly, I don't care for most people - and not because they don't agree with me - but because I just don't care for them.

Interestingly enough I had an interesting chat with AnneMarie this weekend - and oh, by the by, I had a bloody fantastic weekend...probably one of the best I've had in a long time. Peter and I celebrated his new job with a magnificent meal and with two of the most extraordinary people I've met in a good long time...Chad and Annemarie and their sweeter than sweet daughter...but Annemarie, well, she just radiates love and light...but there is a piece of me that is just sad that she isn't with Chad as I am with Peter...which is to say that when I remarked to her that Peter and I spent some time sitting down and working through all the numbers financially - and I do mean all the numbers, well, she seemed amazed that I did that...that we did that - that we are so open with each other. And here's my thought with that - which is that I don't know how not to be so open. I want this relationship to work, and he wants this relationship to work - which means that sometimes we have really difficult conversations. And Lord knows that I hate to be so open - because Lord knows that I've been taught that I could put everything in my life out there on the table and the worst thing in the world can happen: he could walk away...just disappear...lessons that Lawlor and Stephen taught me long ago.

Why even today we heard the news that Peter cleared background, so the job is official..and he's excited and I'm excited...but there is still this little voice in the back of my head that says I won't believe it until he's actually standing on my doorstep - actually living here....

Yep...some tough lessons learned in the past...that nothing is guaranteed...that so much is just words...that actions/inactions are really all that mean anything. And yes, that sucks - because I can't believe that I've grown into a doubting Thomas - but there it is.

I can't not be me...and so I won't be.

In any case, I'm delighted to report that I had a fantastic reunion today...had lunch with a lass that I haven't seen in 9 years...by an ironic twist we are working for the same firm...Joanna is a former friend of both mine and Phillip's...and well, it is indeed a strange world. I'm psyched to have reunited with her because she is a solid human being - and I like her. I liked her then, and I like her now. She admitted that she purposely disappeared on me way back when because she was more Phillip's friend than mine and she figured that I would want space to heal from that break. She was right in a way - Phillip had a life that I didn't want to be a part of anymore...but it's grand that she's re-appeared...and as soon as I'm back from HK we'll be sure to go out and about now and then. I am definitely lacking in a close local female friend - it will be good to spend more time cultivating female friends...

She had me thinking about all the people that come and go from my life. Kevin remarked once that he didn't know how I did it...no clue really, I just do - it just happens. And interestingly enough, Kevin is now gone from my life. Twenty-two years of friendship and then poof! Along comes some jealous woman and he's gone. Sad really. I hardly think about him anymore - except when Blondie or Fred inquire if I've heard from him.

Nope. Daresay I won't either. I think he's getting married soon - Lord knows that's one wedding I won't be receiving an invite to - sad, really. Kevin was part and parcel of my family once upon a time.

And speaking of family...Uncle Bernie's funeral last week was just lovely. A sad affair all in all, but definitely a kindness - I really have some extraordinary people in my family - and it was so good to celebrate his life...makes me wonder, too, if I will have a family of my own. I'm still waffling on the whole child/ren thing. It was wonderful to spend time with a baby this weekend - and such a beautiful child at that...but I just don't know...that biological clock thing just isn't there right now. Granted, it could be - there are moments when I definitely think: I want this...and I know that I would be good at this - motherhood and me, that is. And then there is the take it or leave it piece of me...and then there's the simple fact that Peter can't have children again - or rather, he could, we could, but it'd be more difficult and expensive than one could imagine, so I'd still have to go the route of AI - which is just fine by me. Ah, who knows...one step at a time...no hurry at all right now...I'm in a really good headspace and heartspace - and so I'm not worried at all.

Indeed, I honestly don't recall a time where I felt so at peace with a relationship...well, not true, I do remember how sated I was with the redhead...but here, now? Well, now I feel good. And I have something with Peter that is just so easy. So fine. We're doing really, really well lately - and though I'm a little worried about so much time apart, I also know that this is just what we have to deal with now - and it's good...we both have lives outside of the "us" we've created.

And speaking of lives, I have a conference call to jump on now...ugh...have I mentioned how much I hate my job lately????

OLPH

2010-04-06T22:15:00.005-05:00

There are moments when I truly love the interweb...because it brings me to unexpected places...places that just feel so good...and somehow it makes the difficult seem so easy...faith...in strange an unexpected ways...

important and necessary...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOxpvKuEruk&feature=related

thanks be to Patty Griffin and Natalie Maines...that is just joy...simple joy...

and it's Tuesday, again...

mitzpah

church clothes

2010-04-06T19:41:00.009-05:00

So I've had a ton on the brain lately...amazing that I manage to keep everything moving along as smoothly as I do, actually...but it's got to be done, and so it all is.

I'm getting more and more stressed about my trip to Hong Kong - granted, I'm excited, but the thought of leaving everything that is "home" for something so bloody far away? Well, it's enough to put me into a tailspin sometimes...granted, I love adventure, and I love traveling, so I'm generally good with this trip - but then I'm like, damn...I'm going to be on the other side of the world, 12 hours ahead of everything I know.

Not particularly happy about all the earthquakes that are riddling the home planet, either...

But oh well...what can I do?

I just download more ebooks to my Nook, and figure out what clothes need to go to the dry cleaner sooner than later...keep myself sane by staying grounded in the mundane aspects of travel for extended lengths of time.

And in alternate moments of "down-time" I interview for a new job and a new home...I happen to like the homes I'm seeing in Plainfield...so who knows what the future holds...I've learned to never say never...

and yes, I know these two things are a bit of madness - more chaos to add to my world, but well...I've got to keep moving towards that which intrigues me...and although I'm excited/terrified about Peter's impending move - well, I also know that I am not satisfied here in PH - and not particularly pleased with the job - and so when there is opportunity presented to me, well, I look at it.

I've heard that the only thing constant is change...not sure how true that is, but I daresay there are nuggets of truth in it...

What's truly amazing is that I'm oddly okay with all this stuff. All this change that is a'comin'...and yes, I still have reservations about Peter and me for the long haul - reservations he is more than a little aware of, but we're walking through all of those, step by step - and it is a blessing to have him in my small life.

He brought me flowers the other day...roses...I honestly don't remember the last time someone brought me roses that he hand-picked...I recall that I brought Kirk roses - but that's me, I do that kind of thing...men, though? Yeah, not so much. But Peter? Well, he's always surprising me...be a book of Yeats or a disco ball...and it's not that he's buying me things now and then, it's that he's thinking of me...and damn, that is just so good. To have someone who is thinking about me, and reminding me all the time that he's thinking of me. I feel bonded to someone - not so all alone all the time...

I have absolutely no clue how I'm going to handle 6 weeks away from him...

guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens, eh?

Well, at least for some of the time, he'll be in Poland - so it's not like he'll be sitting at home pining for me. Ha! The thought of some man, any man, sitting anywhere pining for me is bloody hysterical...

In any case, must go put another load of laundry in...just too much fun happening here in the meg-verse tonight.

And oh - just can't get this song out of my head...love, love, love Matt...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeZmfxJampU&feature=channel

and this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ae_T-B1OA2M&feature=related

and probably my favorite song of his...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWHDn7X2fZg because it reminds me of birch trees in winter...

and oh, after this, I have dreams of playing guitar...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aIO988Qq4s&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSjHeD_tuGQ&feature=related

because there is magic in there...and because when one does laundry, one should always have great music to accompany one...because everything is better...best, even...with music.

sad news squared

2010-04-05T18:42:00.007-05:00

So today I have learned that one of the greats of the Ryder clan has passed on to his next life...and oh, it does make me stop, and breathe in...and marvel at this thing called life...

I loved my Uncle Bernie very much - still do...for I daresay that love doesn't end just because someone stops breathing...and oh, I am sad too - because he was Fred's favorite Uncle, and Margaret's favorite brother, and because he was such a kind, gracious man...and he leaves behind him a legacy of love and light.

This is one funeral that I look forward to only so that we can celebrate the life that he shared with all of us.

And it's not like we didn't see this coming - indeed, we've been aware that it's been his time forever now...but still it hurts when the call inevitably comes...

And if that wasn't bad enough, within hours I heard that my Great Aunt's husband also passed this morning. I wasn't particularly close to Uncle Frank - I remember how easy his smile was...a soft-spoken man who loved the nutty lady that is my Great Aunt Ruth...

And so it seems I have not one, but two funerals to attend to this week...

I'm waiting, dreading, actually, the news of a third...because that's generally the way of things...three...bad things tend to come in threes...

I am trying though, to focus on all the good that is coming my way...after all, Blondie is pregnant, I'm off to HK for almost two months, and Peter is moving in...all very good things happening in the space of this calendar year...and here I thought I lived a small life...ha! Busy busy busy...

And oh, I've been meaning to chronicle that the proverbial cat is out of the proverbial bag now...Peter is actually moving in with me in a matter of weeks...well, almost three months really...it's a long, and short, time from now.

Interestingly enough, I'm completely good with this turn of events. As strange as it sounds it just seems right.

And no, I can't claim that Peter is who or what I imagined for my life - he is not the man that I imagined in my head when I think of someOne...but he is who I know in my heart...and so we're taking what some would deem a massive leap...when for me, it's just the next step we are taking.

I hate to say that I don't trust men - it seems so victimized, and I'm not particularly happy about that state of being - but this is my truth...most men are id-jits - they are unkind, cruel liars, who are not worth one's time nor energy. And I am so happy that I am here, now... and that finally...FINALLY well, this relationship is just good for me. For us. And so we are seeing where it takes us.

I know only that it fits. That I feel safe and loved. That I can be me - all the time. And that I want him to feel safe and loved...that he can be him...all the time. It's a fine feeling indeed. And yes, I still wish he was younger, and taller, and more and less like all the men who have come and gone before him...but he's not any of them...he's Peter. He's my best friend and lover. Someone I've been looking for forever.

I have no idea what the future holds - and to be as honest as I always am - I really don't care. I don't have any particular plans with Peter - I don't think in terms of "what this means" or "where this is going" - I just live. I just breathe. In. Out. And I know that if I, like Uncle Frank or Uncle Bernie, died today - well, I bear only one regret and she has naught to do with Peter.

There are a lot of men who have claimed to love me. There are a lot of men whom I've claimed to love. And I've loved them all, I daresay...in my fashion. But this one, well, this is one different.

Funny, though, how I don't think about marriage, I don't think about the myth of someOne when I think about Peter, about any man anymore actually...I think Marty finally broke me of all my illusions of happily-ever-after..sad, and yet not-so-sad...

All I've ever hoped for is that someOne would love me back - someOne would care enough about my small life to want to move mountains for what we are and what we could be. That we would reverberate...as the verbs of being that we are...And oh, it would be grand if we could take so many steps together...heel toe...heal.

I am reminded tonight of why we are here...to love, and be loved...in all the spaces and places known and unknown...just because we can.

And yes, I still have so many doubts, so many concerns about this "thing" which is Peter and me...but ya know what? I'm not going to worry, I'm not going to fret...because life is what the living do...and me? Well, me, I'm living, and loving. And damn, if that just the best thing ever.

early o'clock

2010-04-02T04:20:00.002-05:00

so I'm up at a ridiculously early hour - which is only because I fell asleep three hours before my normal bedtime last night. Not sure what it is about my sleep patterns lately, but they are absolutely screwy...

interestingly enough, I'm not super worried about it - it's just one of those things really...bread tends to make me tired - and combining that with a busy day at the office and sleep, well, sleep is a good thing.

In any case, it's Good Friday - which means that I don't have to be at the office today. Woo-hoo! A much needed respite from the madness that is the idiots at the office. I'm definitely going into full swing job search once I return from this trip. It'll be a really great thing to have a global program on my resume, and Lord knows that it is high time to get out of the financial services realm...it really isn't my cup of tea, and I'm more than ready for a change.

For good of for ill though, I haven't focused any attention at all on a job search - at least not for me - no, that, instead, I've been sending good vibes into the universe for Peter to find something a little closer than in Bumblefuck...and, I am delighted to report that it appears that the good energy has paid off.

And better still, it seems that he's actually going to accept the job - which means that all sorts of wild and wonderful changes are coming my way.

It's been an age since I've lived with someone day in and day out - I've chosen not to do so in part because I like my space - after all the time and energy invested in the job, I haven't wanted to have to come home and deal with a roommate...there is a major difference though, between coming home to a roommate and coming home to your best friend and lover...and lucky for me, I'm fortunate to not only know the difference, but to have my best friend and lover soon to come home to.

And yes, there are parts of me that know this is a massive step - indeed, if it was ten years ago, I'd completely have my panties in a twist about this event - but truthfully? Yeah, now it's no big deal. I mean, fact of the matter is that this is the right thing to do, and the right time to do it. I love this man. Or "that guy" as I'm wont to call him...he just makes me happy. Happiness. It's such a good, clean feeling. I'm happy with him. I'm more.

And I try not to think about it too much because in part, that's what I did with all the other id-jits that have come and gone from my life - and I'm just not going to do that anymore. I'm not that person any more - and that is a damn fine thing.

I'm not so sure I'm happy about this whole grown-up thing, though...it really is amazing how much the way I think about things has changed in the last six months, but there it is.

What I find more amazing than anything is the sense of ownership I have over my life.

And I'm ready for whatever comes next...and I am so, so thrilled that I am welcoming this extraordinary man into my life even more than he is now, so that we can continue to build something extraordinary together.

How I got so lucky, I have no clue...

Good Friday, indeed...

busy, busy

2010-03-31T16:58:00.002-05:00

so it's been a crazy couple days - and I hate to say it, but I just haven't made time to ramble as I'm typically wont to do...which is fine really, because I'm just fine - peachy, truth told...though I have a ton of work to do before I ship out to faraway lands.

I've gotten over the initial shock of spending so much time away from home in the coming weeks. I'm now at the point where I'm really looking forward to it...after all, it's a whole new culture, on the other side of the world...so I'm excited. And what other way to experience a new culture than to fully immerse yourself in it for six weeks? Regretfully, I still have absolutely no desire to learn Cantonese, but I'm sure I'll pick up a phrase or two before I head over - just so I can understand some of the common phrases.

In other exciting news, all sorts of fun things are happening lately - Blondie is pregnant - due sometime around my birthday *grins* - so I'm going to be Aunt Meg for the third time. I'm thrilled for the news...Blondie and I have been seeing each other every other week or so for the last few months and it's absolutely brought us closer together. I really am blessed to have such a great relationship with my family - why, I'm almost looking forward to the Easter holiday with all the family..granted, I'd much rather be swooshing down a mountain somewhere - but alas, it seems that ski season is officially over...no more slopes til next year. As Peter said, the forsythia has arrived -spring has sprung - and so, all the ski gear will be packed and put away for next season...rather depressing actually...

but fortunately, there is good news ahead...though I don't want to jinx it by breaking the news early, it is almost a certainty that Peter has landed a position down here...and so, life is good. More perhaps, on that later once all the t's are crossed.

In any case, I'm hungry...feeling awfully lazy though - I see a pizza in my future...the hell with the waistline - sometimes ya just gotta say 'the hell with it'...

Io__This_Time_Around__by_Helen_Stellar.mp3

2010-03-22T20:50:00.004-05:00

Io__This_Time_Around__by_Helen_Stellar.mp3

Found at: FilesTube

Love Happens...

not a bad a movie...not a great movie - but touching...I mean, everyone should have a Rocky in his/her life...just to remind you how far you've come...to remind you of home...

It's been an interesting few days.

I didn't expect to see a note from Lawlor in my in-box...I really really wish that man would just live his life - away from me. I want nothing to do with him any longer, and yet there he is - just popping up now and then...to remind me of how unkind and disrespectful men can be.

I don't like the fact that I wasted a year of my life on that man. My thirties were good times - excepting for a few idiots whom I once loved...

But there it is.

And it's past now.

And then, too, there is the note from Ian in my in-box...seems that his computer spawned a virus and sent out a note to his contact list.

So there it is - messages from two men of my past in my in-box in less than 72 hours.

But this time around, well...this time around I have re-invented myself into even more than I have imagined...

And in reward for my courage, well, it seems that I am to receive messages from all parts of the globe today - reminding me that I am awesome...that I am loved...someone I care for deeply remarked today that I am an awesome person...made me smile - beam actually. I like knowing that I have touched someone's life. I like knowing that I have touched someone - even at great distance - even when the reverberations hurt me just a little bit more than I wish they would.

In any case, I'm tired now. I've been awake since the wee small hours...not that I would change the fact that I've been awake for hours and hours -

I will only say that I had a productive day at the office after a marvelous weekend - I traipsed around the lovely little town of Red Bank, indulged in yet another Melting Pot dining experience, shared some truly grand adventures with a man whom I adore, and now, well, now I am plum tuckered...and so I will crawl into my magic bed and sleep.

book of questions

2010-03-18T21:35:00.002-05:00

So last oh, September - when I was involved with Kirk, we took this road trip with Rod and what's-her-name...the fruitcake who turned down a solid job...the girl born on my birthday...damn...totally blanking on her name...but Rod's girlfriend, well I liked her, had hoped to be her friend once - but anyway, that's not where I meant to be going with this..no, I was thinking tonight that one of the questions we asked each other on the road was if we could live anywhere in the world for a month where would we want to live and why?

Italy.

I'd like to live in Italy.

Or France.

Or Ireland.

Or the BVIs...

but Hong Kong?

Yep - I wouldn't have said Hong Kong. Not then. Not now. And yet, I'm headed to Hong Kong for six weeks.

In truth, I'm more than a little worried about it. I've gotten into a nice routine with my life lately - and granted, it's a quiet life, with most of my entertainment on the weekends - always some adventure here or there...but now I'm going to rip myself out of my patterns and put myself on the other end of the world.

I daresay it'll be a grand adventure...though I can't say I'm too thrilled about the almost 16 hour flight to get there. And living 24 hours ahead of everything and everyone I know is going to be a challenge...fortunately, Lara, Peter's sister, and Jonathan, my former colleague, live over there - so I'll have at least two contacts - both of whom I'll be reaching out to this weekend...

And speaking of reaching out - I suppose I should mention that I heard from Lawlor this morning - completely out of the blue.

Seems that the boy had a dream about me the other night and felt he should acknowledge my existence...say hello...wish me well and whatnot on St. Patrick's Day.

Strange, really.

If I had been someone else, sometime else, I would be phased by this missive - but I'm not. Too many other things happening at the moment to stress about an idjit whom I used to love but now think so little of.

He never did apologize nor acknowledge what he did all those years ago. Ergo, he belongs there - in the past - a fond, but distant memory. I wish him well, wherever and whomever, he is. I will do no more, nor less.

That said, I'm on the fence about subletting my place for the month and some that I'm gone.

It seems to be a sound financial idea - but then there is a piece of me that can't bear the thought of someone being here, enjoying this home I've crafted...I figure I'll give it a night or two to sleep on the possibility and then make a decision...perhaps if it was someone I knew - who was in need of shelter...

In any case, I've a ton of work to do before I depart...and I'm contemplating purchasing a better camera - so that I can truly play tourist to the nines while I'm over there. I plan on spending a good part of the weekend at the Strand reading everything I can about that part of the world. I have very little desire to learn Chinese - Mandarin, I believe - but I daresay that it would be wise to pick up a couple of phrases...might even splurge on Rosetta Stone ...I do hate to be a complete foreigner...though I doubt I'll be able to master the language...there are moments when I wish I would have kept with my Japanese back in college...

*sigh*

strange thing, my life...so did not expect this opportunity...and yet, here it is.

I'm excited. And nervous.

Fortunately, the weather over there is supposed to be pleasant - though perhaps a bit rainy. And I'll be in suits all the time - so wardrobe is covered...the best part is, perhaps, that I get to do this in two waves...so the first week is really just a welcome - get to know the players - learn my way around the area I'll be staying in. I'm more nervous about the 6 week stay after that...Mona's setting me up in a corporate apartment - so that's a good thing, because I understand that space is at a premium there - the hotel rooms are more like closets than rooms...no worries, though - I'm not generally claustrophobic...more worried about the heights of things...and yes, I know that's bizarre, because I'm 5'10"...heights shouldn't be an issue - but oddly, they are...been known to experience vertigo more than once in my life.

No worries though - I'll manage it - always have.

Okay, must get some rest now...super busy day tomorrow and must get a good night's sleep.

big news

2010-03-16T19:19:00.005-05:00

So I confirmed today that I headed to Hong Kong for a week in April and then will be taking up residence there for the month of May.

I'm still in a little shock - I mean, Hong Kong?

Moi?

For a month?

Apparently I'm doing such a fine job at the office that they want me to cover the program abroad for a bit while we stabilize and expand the program.

As I know practically nothing about Hong Kong I'm reading up as much as I can c'e soire...and alternately trying to figure out everything I'd have to do to be away from the rest of my life for a month.

First reaction though - I'm excited...and nervous...and honored...and just...wow...it's one thing to rack up 250,000 air miles domestically in a year for a job ...but now I'm going global...on the other side of the world...where I know no one. I've spent time for work in Toronto and Montreal at length, but this is a totally different ballgame.

I'm so thrilled that I'll have a week to test the waters, though, get the lay of the land for a week first...and then two weeks home before I head back for a month. And possibly longer. It could be two months if we don't identify a replacement for Ka...impossible to say right now.

But wow. Just, simply...wow.

I'm not frequently speechless - but tonight, well tonight I'm more than a little amazed at how wonderful my life is. Just when I think I know what the heck to expect, something wild and wonderful happens.

I have a disco ball...

2010-03-15T21:27:00.006-05:00

in my kitchen *grins*

because if you do have a disco ball, it belongs in your kitchen...

Okay, yes, I know it's nuts...but something known only to my nearest and dearest?

That I love to do the dishes after dinner...I'm a sick puppy that way...years and years of programming...Blondie set and cleared the table - I did the dishes...and now, years post-chores-programming...well, I still find it cathartic...but I refuse to do the dishes unless there is music playing...and while I'm scrubbing and soaking my way to squeaky-clean? I'm dancing...with whomever finds his/her way into my domain...

And now I have a disco ball to dance under.

Have I mentioned how much I adore Peter today???

Hmmm....probably not. Because ours is an uncommon love-affair...but it's grand. I daresay it's grand.

He is so kind and so good to me...I'm not sure how I got so lucky...but I am.

And the strangest thing is that I have no idea where this is going, nor how long this is going to last ...I just know that he makes me happy, and he soothes something in me that has been so hurt, so bruised by so many who said so much and did so little...

and here's this man, this wonderful, good man who remembered that I remarked once that I wanted a disco ball...

and now I have one.

In my kitchen.

My home.

Yep...I'm one lucky lass indeed. And I have a disco ball......in my kitchen...and damn, that is a grand thing indeed...

tax man

2010-03-08T20:17:00.004-05:00

so tonight I paid the tax man...can't say that I'm particularly pleased about it either, but meh...there it is.

I keep telling myself that it's just what I've got to do - I work, I pay bills...c'est la vie.

The good news is that I did come out enough ahead to pay off my bed - my magic bed...my heaven-sent-Sealy Posture-best-thing-I've-ever-slept-in-pedic-bed...so that's one expense I no longer have to worry about. I do prefer to live my life debt-free...I'm so much happier this way.

So I'm back to re-feathering my nest egg...trying to figure out what next to save my pennies for...but financially, the future looks bright indeed.

That said, welcome to Martian! I've been lurking over at his place for a bit - an intro from my belusted Wombat once upon a time...I daresay that I'm rather fond of chaps from the PacNW...there's a centered-ness about them that just feels right. Though I daresay that I hope that he isn't dating my ex, Stephen...then again, I always did wonder just how bi-sexual Stephen was...wouldn't surprise me if he broke his marriage vows not just with me but with someone of the male persuasion as well.

Stephen...wow...haven't really mused on him in some time...haven't really felt the need to, honestly. He's now just some guy who hurt me once.

Granted, he hurt me badly - and I daresay that the damage is irreparable. I will never again be the lass who believed in fairytales, nor happily-ever-after, nor men.

I've tried very, very hard not to use the pain of it as a crutch - as I do hate being a victim of anything - but there are moments when I do actually sit here and I can point to the moment that I literally fell apart.

A rooftop in Mount Pleasant, SC...

under a cloudy sky...

with a burnt-cinnamon candle to pierce the senses and remind me how very alone I was...and lied to...how very much I was lied to...

I've spent years putting the pieces of me back together again - and I credit the redhead for a tremendous amount of that. It was just so good to have someone around every single day whom I believed in. As strange as it sounds, that daily contact helped me believe in myself again...and years later, I finally believe.

Here.

Now.

And even better still, I have this chap who loves me despite all this crap...every.single.minute. of every single day...and I gotta tell ya - it's a remarkable feeling.

And yes, there are moments when I am so angry at myself that I wish that he was more, that we were more....but we are who and what we are...and that it just so damn good.

I've become remarkably practical when it comes to all things life and love this year; it's a mighty strange phenomenon - because I am so not practical. I'm an idealist - a cock-eyed optimist...and yet, I am incredibly grounded too...I daresay that this thing between us won't last. Even as much as I want it to, even as much as I hope it does.

Hope.

I have so much hope that it is more than even I hope it is.

But until then, well, I have home...

and it's grand.

And it's mine...

mine...

four letters...

I only have one acquisition that I'm still to make...a rug or two for my family room. And then it's done. I have done a mighty fine job, if I do say so myself. It's as good as it gets this year.

And so now I focus on my nest egg for travel...for seeing the world a bit more...because I've a wanderlust that needs to be sated...

And then I sit down and have one last hard think about a child. After all, this is the year that I said I'd decide. And so I shall. Figure out how to do it and all the steps. And then I'll make it happen. Or not. Peter may, or may not be there to help me.

I do have hope. And yet...

Bloody amazing how pragmatic I've become.

Never in a million years did I think I'd be 37 - living again just outside of Manhattan - living the life that I live...

the truly amazing thing is though, that I wouldn't change a thing.

Oh, and at some point I need to chronicle this in greater detail...because it merits a moment captured in words...but tonight I'll say only this - that tonight, on a whim, I visited a place I haven't been in an age, and as Fate would have it, I said goodbye in my fashion to a man whom I once called Mentor...

his name was/is Ken.

This is such a small life - such a sad thing that we spend so much of it hurting each other instead of respecting the truth that we are.

It is not easy to be kind...but I try, I do try.

And with luck, on the morrow, I'll take a breath in...and out...and in...and try again.

mitzpah.

Mom

2010-03-04T19:52:00.003-05:00

So I woke up this morning to learn that my dear friend Patrick's Mother passed away suddenly...

all sorts of things ran through my mind...

especially since Fred was headed in for surgery today...

And there are moments when you can do so very little except pray...and love...and hope...so tonight I pray and love and hope for Patrick and his own.

four letters must go a mighty long way when there are so few words...

In any case, tonight I am pleased to report that Patrick is managing as well as he can, surrounded by friends and family...I would so love to be there with him to celebrate his Mother's life this weekend, but regretfully, Fred is recovering at home - suitably drugged up so that she can tolerate the pain of recovery from surgery today. And me, I need to be there sooner than later.

It really, really amazes me how quickly they kick you out of hospital these days.

So I'm headed to Bethlum this weekend to play nursemaid to Fred...and yes, I know that makes me a good daughter - but I'd hope and pray and love that she'd do the same for me in similar circumstances...mainly though, I'm going to keep her company...and run and fetch...make sure the dogs are let outside regularly and keep My Father sane and well-fed while Fred recuperates...

in truth, I'm looking forward to the time away from the city and the hustle and bustle here...there are moments when I really, really love the "normalcy" of anywhere away from NYC...there are days when I truly wonder how I managed to spend a decade here...

there is absolutely a reason why I love the mountains and the snow...

Fortunately, too, I'll be able to get a few runs on Blue with Curt on Saturday morning...so this weekend isn't all about keeping Fred and My Father content...I, too, get a little play time...which is fantastic, because I haven't spent nearly enough time on the slopes this season....which is a damn shame really, because my Burnin Luvs are bloody spectacular and I could be tearing up the blues this season...for good or for ill though, I've discovered estate sales...and the only way to get the most out of them is to be there first thing...with cash in hand...

so my "mad money" and time is split between mountains and snow and treasure hunting...both in which I find equal joy...

This is also, remarkably, the first weekend in two months, that I won't be spending time with Peter. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.

I do know that I've become inexplicably objective about everything in my life lately - and there is definitely a piece of me that knows that he is more committed to time with me than I am with him...I think that has something to do with the fact that I'm not used to any man actually doing what he says he's going to do, nor being who he says he is...so I'm more hesitant than usual to commit to anything or anyone.

Truthfully, I don't care for this realization - and yet I don't know how else to feel about it.

I do love Peter. That much is a great certainty in my life. I'm just not sure how I love Peter. It's so different than how I've loved every other man in my life. And I've no doubt at all that he loves me far better and more than all the other men in my life have...and there are days and nights when I wonder what the hell I've done to deserve him.

And I have moments when I wish...and I hate that I wish...

but I do wish.

I wish he was younger.

And taller.

And geographically closer.

And yet, this is who he is - and who I am...and I will discount neither of us. We are remarkably...well, we are remarkable together. He's my best friend. I'm his best friend.

I've not really allowed myself to ramble at length about him here - about the simplicities or complexities of our relationship, because I haven't needed to really. I mean, we're just so damn good together - and he sates so many needs in me...but I do miss rambling sometimes...it's been so much of me for so long that it's like a hug from an old friend when I make time for it.

And hugs are good and necessary.

Food too, is good and necessary...and methinks food right now would be a grand idea.

treasure hunting

2010-02-25T17:27:00.008-05:00

I think I've mentioned that I adore estate sales...it is just absolutely extraordinary the treasures that you can find...I'm averaging attending one every other week right now...and www.estatesales.net is my treasure map...

it's just so much of an adventure to go into someone's former home and not only get decorating ideas, but also be able to purchase something if it suits you.

Take, for instance - the Buster chair that I had my heart set on...well, until I sat in one again two weekends ago and ruled it out entirely because it is remarkably not as comfortable as it looks...well, interestingly enough, the chair typically goes for $2200 to purchase it new...but at the estate sale today - in the lovely little town of Millburn?

$750 got you the same exact chair -

AND the ottoman.

Yeppers - fun and practical...

even better shopping than Marshalls and TJ Maxx...because this item, that was once someone else's? well, it has a story, it has a soul...so my new beautifully crocheted afghan, prayer book, and mirror? They will forever be tied to a lovely memory of the day I trekked out in the snow to a rectory in Millburn and acquired them...

at end of the day, though, I really don't need anything else for my home - though I do have my eye out for a 9 x 12 rug for my family room....but that's a matter of saving up and finding the perfect rug.

I did, however, find this lovely little mirror for $10 :-)

My upstairs bathroom is now fully decorated...though I dearly would love to do something about that medicine cabinet...ah well, it is what it is and will suit for now...

In other news - ridiculous crap at the office again today...which is par for the course. The good news is that I'm meeting Leo on Monday evening at the Harvard Club to discuss opportunities with his firm...and so, the future remains bright. The idjits that I work with have made enough stupid mistakes to warrant me doing a little more than merely keeping my eye out for "exciting career opportunities" - and I've somehow managed to reconcile with my soul the fact that I bounce around from job to job quite a bit. It's just who I am - I go, make an impact, shake the tree or whatever you want to call it, and then I move on.

There is a piece of me that wishes that I could find something, somewhere that I believed in so much that I'd stick with it...and I wanted to - I loved my last firm, I loved my last job...I was having so much fun...

but along came the recession and POOF! There goes my favorite job.

So now I'm stuck amongst these investment banker-types, and I manage to get by...because it's what I do - it's who I am.

And my team is pretty damn awesome - granted, they are kids who are learning some pretty tough lessons - but I do try to make it as easy as possible for them...I've adopted a completely different persona with the client though - which, truth told, entertains me to no end. Though I do often wonder if they see how hard I'm laughing on the inside at them...

It really is all about perspective...

which has me musing on a surprising missive from Dante today...

If our galaxy were the size of a frisbee, guess how far away the 'edge' of our known universe would be? 237 miles. So, when you think about it, in contrast to the other person's note, things really AREN't that big. It's all about perspective.

Dante...someone whom I adore, but won't allow myself to have...though I daresay we are good for each other in our fashion. He's not mine and I'm not his, but the what we do have?

Grand. Just grand.

Perspective is really everything...the issues that I've been tackling at the office aren't all that wretched, the challenges in my life aren't all THAT bad...after all, I love and am loved - and that, for me, is what it's all about.

It's not an easy path, but it's my path.

And tomorrow morning, my path is leading me to an estate sale in Plainfield...

I've got my eye on a rug...*grins*

mitzpah

ain't that the truth

2010-02-23T22:00:00.004-05:00

Career
Sun Square Mc
Feb 23, 2010 to Feb 24, 2010

You just can't seem to get ahead, and all your best-laid plans aren't working. You need an attitude adjustment. Call a friend, and download.

_________

so tomorrow afternoon - round about 4 p.m. I have this quarterly business review - and I'm telling ya - it's going to be a doozy.

I am doing my best to adopt a stance of apathy, because it's the only shield and weapon I've got. To be more frank about the id-jits at the office than I usually am, Bruce is a royal pain in the ass, and Bill? Well, insasmuch as Bill is a great client, he has no balls - and despite the fact that he's the client sponsor and should be running the show, he lets Bruce take center stage.

In any case, tomorrow afternoon I've just decided to watch the fireworks and not give a damn about these idiots.

The lip-service they give to best-in-class service is beyond ludicrous...and what is even more remarkable is that today is my one year anniversary there and with the exception of Tim, I'm the only one who acknowledged it.

Little does anyone know that within the year I will be working much more closely with Tim...and it's a good thing...a great thing, actually...and the prospect of it makes me happier than I will ever admit. Because it means that I may also work with Ty again - and she's one of my favorite people on the planet. And since work is so much of what defines me, well, it's important to me to adore the people with whom I work...

In any case, I do try to limit my ramblings about anything other than love and lust herein...

so...

love.

lust.

Yep.

That's about all I have to say about those topics c'e soire.

No, seriously...I have very little to say about either topic. I'm just so damn distanced from those emotions of late - and yes, I realize that it is so very unlike me. I mean, this is Meg...and I love...and I lust.

But I just feel so damn empty.

I'm chalking a fair amount of it up to my cold. And more than a little of it up to the fact that I'm jaded - and cynical. And I hate it. I hate this feeling. I want to feel all warm and fuzzy inside - I want to long for, and hope for and want. But tonight I just feel...empty. And on the other side I feel angry. I mean, I've done it again - I've chosen someone who is distant, removed, and it is an impossible relationship. And I am not happy with myself for choosing it - and yet I can't not choose it, and nor am I unhappy with my choice. He is a wonderful, extraordinary human being - and I love spending time with him..I mean, we spent 8 days together and I never once grew frustrated nor annoyed with him...we're good friends, we're great lovers...

but I hate that I sit here and I feel so distant, so much apart from my life.

I'm so not where I wanted to be at this age and it is bugging the hell out of me.

The good news is that I have home.

And I am furnishing it beautifully.

I am so proud of my recent acquisitions...I done good...and I know it.

I'm learning a tremendous amount about rugs and about antiques...and each piece in my home has a story...my home has a soul...and it is rich and raw and real...and I am just so happy when I walk in the door at the end of the day...granted, I would love to be concocting some new-fangled recipe on my gorgeous cast-iron pots that are seasoned to perfection...and yet I remind myself that I have chosen this path.

My path.

Mine.

Have I mentioned that I hate my job lately?

No, I suppose I haven't.

Chose and choose not to do that herein - but I tell ya - it is eating me alive...but it's a paycheck - and it's a job - and I am so grateful to have it when so many other people are struggling...I just want to be happier...more proud of what I am contributing.

Ah well - it's hard not to ramble about the lunacy at the office -

I put the crap in the office in context with so much other stuff though, and life improves...

And it's Tuesday again, and that - well, that is just grand.

Long time no ramble...

2010-02-22T18:45:00.010-05:00

So I've been busy lately...on holiday...roaming around Vermont and Upstate New York for a week...on an antiquing-road trip of sorts, with a fair bit of skiing thrown in for good measure. Originally I was planning on scrapping my holiday altogether, and then I thought: why the hell not? I need a holiday. I need a change of scenery. Why not go roam around Route 9 and Route 7 and just see where the road leads for a few days?

So instead of renting a house and skiing more than a few days (which my body has not really been up to with fighting a cold for weeks on end), I decided to invest in a couple of new rugs and home furnishing...this is the rug that I really REALLY wanted...

but it was a little too rich for my blood...a Heriz...not quite antique, but a gorgeous feel, and marvelous colours...if my bonus was richer I would have snatched it up in a heartbeat...but alas, it will remain one of Tom's Treasures at the little shoppe in Vermont and not grace my living room...

but no worries - I went for plan B...which is this gorgeous Sarouq circa 1920 that I bought for less than half the price of the other one :-) at this uber cool mis-mash place called Grannie's Attic right here in nearby Ho-Ho-Kus..and I am uber, uber pleased with how my library has finally become the room that I have seen in my head...

I've learned more than a fair amount about rugs lately and I know that I've made a good investment. I have one more rug to lay down - from my sister's former brownstone which I inadvertently left at Freds...so once that's done I'm 100% set on rugs...just need to sell two of my other rugs sooner than later...game plan is to save a heck of a lot and find the perfect 9x11 for my living room by year end. The good news is that I'm not in any hurry...I'm still gathering ideas...but I know that I like Baktiari, Heriz, some Tabriz and adore the complex Sarouqs...so time...I have plenty of time. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day and nor was home.

And I am just so pleased that my home is coming along.

My best bargain of the week though?

Well, all the credit goes to Peter for this one:

I'm a bargain-shopper of the highest echelon, but that man? That man found those lined, french-pleated, moss velvet, bottom weighted drapes for less than $30...a far, far cry from the original price of almost 10x retail...

I just like to sit and look at them.

And oh, my kitchen wall. I am super, super pleased with my wall...

I found the neatest cross-stitch pieces that I just couldn't say no to...

and so, I didn't.

Yeppers, it was shopping, shopping and more shopping.

And then it was time to come home and move furniture.

I am just so tickled pink with my home. It really looks and feels just like I hoped it would. Granted, I have a long way to go still - de-cluttering my life is an on-going battle...but all in all I'm one happy camper of late.

Well, except for the job - but that's a whole 'nother story, that I really don't want to touch right now lest I suddenly start screaming at the computer screen.

So....let's speak of happier things, shall we?

Yes, let's.

I'm doing remarkably well over all - granted, I woke up with a wretched cold again this morning. I really don't know what it is about me and health issues lately. I was within moments of scheduling a CAT scan last week because my headaches had come back with a vengeance...and then I decided to just wait it out another day and so far, so good.

Health issues seem to be plaguing me and the family lately too...Fred has discovered that her broken ankle last Fall also included a torn ligament that hasn't healed properly...so she's back in for surgery...which means that my next five or six weekends will be spent in Bethlum cooking and cleaning and generally caring for an invalid.

Fortunately, I enjoy spending time with Fred - and she's a fairly decent patient...so we'll be just fine.

I need to save some serious cash anyway, replenish my reserves so to speak, because I just spent a small fortune on a rug.

But oh, I am so happy with my rugs.

I think I have a half dozen of them now...and each one speaks to me...each one has its own story to tell...and sometimes, as odd as this may sound, I'll just sit down on them in the middle of my meandering about the house...just because I can...just because I appreciate my acquisitions more than even I thought possible...

home.

I am building home - and oh, it is a grand thing indeed.

And part and parcel of home, is the love and adoration of a remarkable human being who has been so very, very good to me.

I don't want to jinx the future of Peter and me - so all I will chronicle is that it's good. That we're good. And perhaps part of the reason I haven't been rambling so is because he's been here with me - and he sates a need in me that is so deep, so raw, that I don't need to ramble. He's always just a phone call away - and that, well, that is grand. I have no complaints with our relationship - other than the distance, and well, it'd be awfully nice if he was 6'2" and ten years younger...but end game, that's not so important. He's the first man that I know I can count on since the redhead and that, well, that is something wonderful.

In the spaces in between our time together though, it is good to have this place. Because here too, is home. I almost forgot how much peace and quiet this place brings me. But after the day that I had at the office?

Comfort is a good thing.

In fact, I'm so comfortable that I daresay that I'm not going to get up from this spot for some time to come. Then again, I have this magnificent bed upstairs that is just bloody fantastic.

At some point I'll actually clean my room and take a picture of it - but that ain't happening tonight...probably won't happen tomorrow night either. I'm just not in the mood for laundry.

In any case, must scrounge up dinner...catch up on so much correspondence I've been neglecting too...getting back to nature and being offline was definitely restorative - but now it's time to participate in my "normal" life again...

reason 721: why I won't marry

2010-02-12T18:40:00.006-05:00

It was not a good day.

For starters, I work with a bunch of assholes. Not idiots. Assholes.

Not only am I disappointed, I'm disgusted.

There is a reason that I have opted for so long not to associate myself with the investment banking arena...and today just validated it even more.

Fortunately I have contacts all over the place - and it's high time I put my CV out there again. I was hoping, really hoping that these idiots would do the right thing by the whole of my team, but they didn't - they seriously fucked up - not just by me, but by them.

I can tolerate a number of things, I mean, idiots in my love life are one thing, but assholes at the office is another thing entirely.

I have a year under my belt now...it got me back here and here has been, well, here. It's been a lesson I needed to learn - and now that it's acquired...well, it's time to find a new path.

I am more than pleased with home - I've done good here - and I do love coming home. But I accepted a long time ago that my life would be about work - it would be where I dedicated myself, where I expended my energy. I hate to admit that the concept of home and family and happily-ever-after have lost all their luster post-Stephen, but they did. That man and his lies and then his cowardice really did a number on me.

Doesn't matter that I forgave him and me eons ago - it's still a scar, still a hole in my heart. And yes, I admit that it's a crutch, an excuse and that it has marred me for life. I try not to let it hold me back too much though - indeed, I have someone now who loves me - who accepts that I am broken - and loves me still...loves me because of, even...

And that, well, that is absolutely incredible.

I've chosen not to ramble about us, nor about the joys and challenges we've known - in part, because I'm good with all of it - and he listens to me - talks with me through everything...it helps tremendously that Peter is not only my lover, but my best friend.

I'm trying really, really hard not to take him for granted.

Half the time I try not to think about any of the implications of our relationship - on me or on other people...because honestly, I have no clue what I'm doing or where I'm going - I just know that I'm happy. Content. I have hope. I know love. And that is more than words can hold...

and I know that I feel more real and solid than I ever have before. I don't question myself, my choices, my actions, my path - none of it. Which is odd - and cool. I like just being me. I like having someone who just loves me - who enjoys being with me - and enjoys doing "stuff" with me. And he's not involved with anyone else, he's not married, he's not going through a divorce, he's not still involved with his ex-wife - nope, he's just mine, just here - though he's free to do what he pleases with whom he pleases...we just talk each other through everything and that is grand. No secrets. No bullshit. No games.

And he's 100% right - that he's probably loved me more than all of the other men I've loved put together.

There is something right and good about that statement.

And so this weekend I'm introducing him to Fred and My Father - even though they've met a few times before...this is the weekend that I really want them to all get to know each other - organically, without me making any statements explicit nor implied that this is the man in my life...instead I just want them to get to know each other- because they are all important to me.

It's such a strange thing to feel so adult...in truth, I'm not sure that I like it. There really is something to be said for youth...for ignorance being bliss.

In any case - what else can I ramble about?

Oh yes, my 20th high school reunion is coming up. I daresay that I'm not of the mind to attend. I have no desire to reconnect with people I once shared a past with - Facebook has given me enough of a connection to those I actually want to be in touch with - and I haven't any desire to rendezvous with those I haven't been in touch with. And I certainly don't have any need to show off how great I look, nor how well I've aged....though I daresay I'm rather pleased with the fact that I'm the same dress size now as I was the day I graduated from high school.

There is a piece of me that really would like to take Marty B. down ten notches though...I've a score to settle with that boy from ages past - but end game, it's just not worth the energy. And that which is, and who is, past from my life - is simply that - past.

Further, the only person with whom I would like to be in touch with from high school has completely abandoned me in "respect" for his future wife - so really, why bother?

There is a Sample's Song...Nothing Ever Stays...

I knew the truth of it when I was 16...

20 years and then some later, little has changed.

In any case, speaking of energy, I heard from Tim/Dante this past week - it was one of those things I wasn't expecting to see in my in-box...and it got me to thinking about this authentic life I've chosen.

It's not easy - it's never been easy...it's not meant to be easy...anything worth doing should not be easy - it should be earned - the truth of it though: this life, this moment - this past and this present...it's mine - and I am damn proud of that which is mine.

In any case, I'm hungry now...and I'm thinking tonight I've earned a pizza...a five cheese pizza from my favorite pizza joint...with onions, maybe...and a glass of Latour...and then a hot bath....and some music...Gershwin maybe...methinks I'm in need of a jazzy piano right about now....mmmmmmm....happiness...

no pun in ten did

2010-02-11T21:45:00.003-05:00

these, from my friend Ralph:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.''
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you, ' says Dolly. '
It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11.. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came
out of the office and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it 's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends,
with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Sorry.
Extremely sorry.

__________

ah, they were funny though...

made me smile - and I needed to smile today.

It was one of THOSE days at the office...and I was just so happy to come home, and sit on one of my new rugs / magic carpets and just sit and set...let the madness of the office settle off and away...

and now I'm sitting here with a glass of port - musing on the great mind-candy that is Diane Ackerman's latest masterpiece Dawn Light. I daresay that I am more than a little in awe of Ms. Ackerman. I own everything that she's published...indeed, I'm in the process of acquiring everything in hardback because my paperbacks are all a little worse for wear...she is one of the few authors I can and do read again and again - just because I can...definitely provocative...

In any case, I was in the midst of a bath, enjoying a glass of port, musing on cranes and pedigrees, when I recalled that The Story of India was on tonight and that I meant to watch it.

I'm not sure why I'm fascinated with India lately, but I am...it probably has something to do with all the estate sales I've been visiting lately...I'm so excited about the treasures I'm finding - and so many of the objects d'art are of Persian or Indian origin...

Regretfully, I'm not terribly familiar with the history of these foreign lands - and so I'm learning...in part, because I find that which I do not know fascinating...and in part because I know that I am on a treasure hunt...and it is good to be fortified with knowledge.

I've learned a tremendous amount about rugs lately - Bahktiari, Gabbeh, Qum, Sarouq, Senneh, Hamadan, Ardabil, Nain, Kirman...the tradition, the depth of the history is stunning...I'm on the hunt for the perfect rug for my great room...I almost had one - I was this close - and then I lost it...and so now I'm on the hunt...I daresay I'll find it when it's meant to be found and not a moment sooner.

In any case - tomorrow afternoon at 5 p.m. I am officially on holiday for a week. Regretfully, I have very little planned. I have a few days and nights of skiing on the radar - but it's really more about taking some time for me...just a little r&r.

I am excited though about spending some time with Fred and My Father this weekend - though I am a little miffed about having to spend time and energy coordinating this furniture move when I really would rather be on a ski trail. However, there are good things about my time away from the office - first and foremost, I'm away from the office - which is always a grand thing...and secondly, I'm taking a leap and giving Peter some time to get to know Fred and My Father a bit better - which is good. Interestingly enough, I'm not nervous at all about them all getting along. I'm just at the time and place of my life where I'm almost apathetic to what anyone may think of the choices I've made and continue to make - especially when it comes to my relationships. What matters most to me is that I'm happy - I'm actually content with who I am and the life that I am living right now. Granted, it's not perfect - but I don't think I'd be content with perfect - as odd as that may sound.

What I do know is that I have someone who loves me - with his whole heart - and I daresay I love him right back. And that, well, that feels mighty fine.

I'm growing more and more comfortable with my feelings for him - which is nice. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time.

And I haven't rambled much about it, because, to be honest, I haven't wanted to jinx it. And so I'm just ambling along - just letting it be - just letting it evolve. Step by step.

I honestly don't know if I can ever fall in love with anyone again - I just don't know if I have it in me...it's all too easy to be left - heart in hand - wondering what the hell happened.

I can love - that is a certainty. I love a lot of people - with varying depth and breadth...but to fall in love? To trust that other person with my whole life?

Yeah - probably not happening again.

But where I am today is good. I'm in a safe place - in a happy place.

And what's more than a little remarkable is that I actually have a valentine this year. I almost don't believe it - but there it is...mine.

What I've done to deserve him, I have no clue - but there he is...and that, well, that is the best feeling in the world.

Ah well - back to my Story of India now...

new skin?

2010-02-10T19:50:00.000-05:00

so there is a foot of snow on the ground and I'm thinking I need a new skin on this here blog...

so I'm trying this one on for size...

estate sales

2010-02-08T17:56:00.002-05:00

so I've discovered this wonderful phenomenon called estate sales...and yes, I know I'm a little late to the par-tay, but oh, I don't mind at all...see, I've pretty much furnished home - with the exception of my much be-lusted Buster chair and one more rug, well, maybe two, I daresay that I will have this place 100% furnished to my liking. For a myriad of reasons, I've decided to nix the guestroom bedframe because I'm definitely going to need more room for bookshelves and a rocking chair...which is really not a problem, because I do love books...just have to figure out what I'm going to do with all the fiction that I have...

Ah well - no worries, have a bit of time to figure out that project.

What was I rambling about?

Oh yes, estate sales...uber cool...Peter and I have thoroughly been enjoying trekking here and there. It's a grand thing indeed to pick up just a few antiques here and there to complete my domicile...and oh, I do like to make up stories about the denizens of these various abodes we've visited, too...this weekend it was Harry & Esther's...and Mahin's...I've started keeping a notebook full of the details of my treasures...a 3x5 Hamadan rug that I picked up for a song...an absolutely gorgeous gilt mirror...a rolling pin that I couldn't not have...some lovely lace curtains from this magnificent b&b in Connecticut...a first edition Ogden Nash...all sorts of interesting treasures that have home here now...

it's a hell of a lot of fun to explore someone else's former home...

but oh, it is also terribly depressing...

I do try to focus on the joy of it - and the fact that I'm recycling - which is a good thing...so much more enjoyable to find an object that has a story, has a soul, than something randomly purchased at some high-end retail store...

In any case - I am delighted to chronicle that all is well.

I was terribly disappointed that the much awaited snow storm did not reach me this past weekend. I was actually looking forward to the storm. I hear rumor that this mid-week storm will actually hit us - which is a good thing, because I am on holiday all next week and can't wait to hit the slopes. My cold has finally dissipated, barely even a cough left - so now I'll ski for a few days...and oh, that is a grand thing indeed.

I'm also rather happy about the fact that I won't have to worry about the office for a bit - definitely going off-line/off-everything for a week...I've wanted a chance to re-charge my batteries, and this upcoming week is precisely for that.

Ah well - must go rustle up some dinner, return a few calls - maybe even throw some laundry in...

this domestic thing is just grand, I tell ya...just grand.

strange days

2010-02-04T23:08:00.002-05:00

Ian introduced me to Matthew Good eons ago...and today, for whatever reason, I just can't seem to get this tune out of my head.

It wasn't a particularly remarkable day - had a few client meetings in the city - somewhere, interestingly enough, I haven't ventured in the past few weeks. I haven't had a reason to trek into Midtown - and so I haven't...though I do keep meaning to hit the Strand...Ormond's third masterwork of John Singer Sargent's work is there and it has my name on it...

but I'm lazy of late...and I've been a little sick...and tired.

fortunately, my head is clearing a bit - and I daresay by the weekend I'll be back to "normal"...whatever normal is.

It was actually rather strange roaming around Midtown today - I was with one of my recruiters who doesn't know Midtown at all - so it's always fun to play tour guide - and as I was just a stone's throw from my old office on 43rd street, well, let's just say that today brought back a few fond memories...

I'm beyond that place now though...or at least I thought I was.

Until I sat down tonight and finally let myself breathe in and out.

I'm so not where I had hoped to be.

I miss the redhead.

I just do.

And it's this weird feeling...though even I have to admit it's been an age since I really allowed myself to muse on him. It really was the right thing to do - letting him go. I do try to be happy and whole with that decision...even though I know I could have chosen differently once. And now here I am - just dandy without him, but there are moments that I just realize how much I simply enjoyed his company...and I know too, that I chose to leave the firm because I just couldn't stay and watch the inevitable...so it was best that I left...that I chose another path...and it was a good choice - the best choice for me - and tonight I can almost hear his voice in my head...chastising me for not applying myself at the office lately - for simply not caring enough. It's a sad thing, ya know...

It really is a terrible thing when I am bored professionally...

I keep telling myself that it will improve - but I know that I'm lying to myself. I'm not really cut of the cloth that makes financial services what it is...this is just a means to an ends...and oh, I am so ready for the ends...

In any case - we're supposed to have a fair amount of snow this weekend...I wish I could say that I was off skiing somewhere - but alas, my cold has me not 100% yet - and the thought of swooshing down anything leaves me tired just thinking about it...next weekend perhaps...this weekend though? Well, I'm actually looking forward to laundry and housecleaning and doing as little as possible...there is absolutely something to be said for burrowing...and I plan on doing more than a little burrowing this weekend. Eddie wants to take me out for dinner as we haven't seen each other in an age...but I don't know - I'm honestly thinking that shutting out the world for 48 hours wouldn't be a bad thing at all. Then again, Peter might trek down this weekend and that would be grand...though I seriously want to smack that man for boxing himself as a doting uncle...I swear, the level of insecurity that man feels drives me mad sometimes...

Ah well, don't mind me tonight...I'm just a little depressed...and feeling more than a little ennui...it happens sometimes.

I'll shake it off on the morrow - greet a new day and whatnot. After all, it's Friday...and that means just a few hours at the office...praise Allah for work-week's end...

groundhog day

2010-02-02T18:24:00.002-05:00

NEWS FLASH ...... Punxsatawny Phil blinked this morning in the early sunlight and tapped a tune to "Me & My Shadow" signifying six more weeks of winter. Phil did not offer any prediction on the spread between the Saints & the Colts however.

--My Father

Yep, it's definitely Groundhog's Day...and my life is very much like the movie:
I'm still sick. Still tired.

lucky me

:-(

sick and tired

2010-02-01T18:49:00.003-05:00

so I regret to report that today I am sick.

Actually, I've been sick since last Thursday. But today, well, today I am sick AND tired.

What kills me is that I did get a flu shot earlier this year...unfortunately, though, flu shots don't prevent you from catching the common cold. And the common cold? Well, it caught me big time...so I'm sitting here slurping some of the best bloody chicken noodle soup I've had in a good long time, and praying that tomorrow I feel better...because this cold absolutely sucks.

However, did I mention that I have chicken noodle soup?

Yeppers - for the first time in my life, someOne has made me chicken noodle soup *grins* and it's grand...oh it is grand.

That said, I regret to report too - that my cold has ruined my sense of balance - and so I fell down on Friday. Pretty hard. So hard that I gave myself a black eye, torn up hand and the right side of my body is a bit bruised...so life, well, life hasn't been particularly kind to me lately.

I did, however, go to a marvelous estate sale in Connecticut this weekend, and purchased a truly lovely mirror that was nearly as old as the b&b that housed it... and oh, I did something I haven't done in an age - I conquered Bulls Ferry hill...this ridiculously steep hill that I still can't believe I drove up again - but I did - and it was good to revisit it...even though I was cursing up a storm the whole way. Sometimes it is important and necessary to visit the past, so that you can revisit its lessons, and move forward.

And moving forward?

Oh, it is a grand thing indeed.

Life is good these days - busy, but good.

Work is...well, work. I wish I could say that I'm loving my joh - but I'm not. I'm also pretty much done with Manhattan. I can't bear the noise and crowds anymore...all the allure it once had just drains me. I'm even tired thinking about it...the only true saving grace is that I do love my home...and it is truly a home now...which is pretty darn amazing. I think about how far I've come since this time last year - when I wasn't even back in NYC yet...was just getting ready to start this job actually...time really flies...

In any case, I'm exhausted...methinks it's time for a hot bath, a good book and then bedtime...just because it's Monday...and just because I can.

Perception

2010-01-26T19:35:00.005-05:00

. . .Something To Think About. .. .

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007.. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:

The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes:

A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes:

A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes:

The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:

He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition..

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell , one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities .

The questions raised:

* In a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

* Do we stop to appreciate it?

* Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.

How many other things are we missing?

How many special persons pass us by and we do not MAKE ANY EFFORT TO get to know them? How many special persons have touched our lives and we are to busy to see we have lost them until it is too late?

And yes, I'm a big fan of M'sieur Bell...Patrick and I went to see him at Carnegie Hall nigh on two years ago...and he was superb...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html

Camille

2010-01-24T19:56:00.005-05:00

So tonight I'm surfing Facebook - it's not something I've been paying a ton of attention to these past few months, but every now and again I like to log on just to see what's what...more social voyeurism than networking...

In any case, my 20th high school anniversary is this Fall...

Kind of hard to believe actually. I mean, I don't feel that old - and yet, well, there it is.

What I'm sitting here right now dealing with though is one of those things that leaves me so very, very lost for words.

See, in looking towards this auspicious event, I was searching for information on my high-school best friend, Camille...she, me and Ronita were the mighty-triumverate of my highschool years...Ronita was the "dangerous" one...she smoked, had a 21 year old boyfriend and was the epitome of fun...and Camille, well, Camille was the brainiac. She lived further away from school than anyone else I knew - raised in a rather strict household if I recall - and her brother was a bit older, learning to be a pastry chef and Johnson & Wales...her parents raised chinchillas and sold the fur...I still have the white fur pin somewhere that she gave me one year for Christmas...

Camille...with the ready smile and quick wit...she got me through Chemistry - she and Sue and Eric were the only two to help me get through those wretched stoichiometry equations...ah...memories...

What I learned tonight though, as I randomly polled the interweb for signs of her life...cvgadget.com is a marvelous spider-tool...well, what I learned tonight has me heartbroken.

It appears that just a few years after Camille and I last spoke - we connected briefly after college when we were both in graduate school - she in medical school on rotation at Phila Osteo and me in law school...well, Camille committed suicide a year after graduating medical school and beginning her practice as a pediatrician.

I don't know why, and I don't know how...but I know that come this August, one of the few people whom I really wanted to see won't be there.

And that - well, that saddens me beyond words.

And I find that as I sit here, staring at this screen, waiting for the words to come...I miss her.

And I wish I could say that I didn't understand why someone takes his/her own life, but I do.

And all I can do now is pray for her family...and celebrate the memory of one of my favorite people from my younger years...

Camille...I hope that you have found peace.

I know that I am finding more happiness than I have known in some time. I have love in my life...I have peace, I have passion, I have purpose. And interestingly enough, I'm not rambling much about it herein...in part because it's so special, it's so much gift, that I don't want to jinx it...because I've known far, far too many id-jits to trust that it might actually be possible that my mythical someOne exists. But I have hope...I do have hope.

And that hope is something that reminds me to breathe...

and the value of breathing...

in

and out.

In any case, I'm just sad now...methinks I'm in need of a good cry and then a good hug. I am so very sad that Camille lost hope...that hope which is so very important and necessary...

like breathing...

Camille C... ’94, Springfield, Ill., Sept. 18. Camille recently graduated from the Des Moines University School of Osteopathic Medicine and was completing her first year of pediatric residency at the time of her death. Prior to her residency, Camille founded a successful mentoring program that matched inner-city and at-risk young women interested in medicine with medical students.

mitzpah.

I heart the interweb ;-)

2010-01-22T19:09:00.002-05:00

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Love you more

2010-01-20T19:12:00.008-05:00

So today was a good day - nothing particularly memorable about it - although I did receive a lovely little note from Henry in my in-box...always a nice treat to see a kind word from an extraordinary human being...

And today, well, today I just feel loved - which is a remarkable thing, and so I'm taking a moment to ramble...just because I can.

I've been neglecting my rambling of late - in part, because I've been busy doing other things, and in part because I've taken a lover...and he loves me...and he listens to me...and so I find the need to chronicle my thoughts here less and less...because he's there...all the time...anytime I need to vent or to ramble or to just simply be...

and it's good. It's all good.

Granted, there are issues...because my life - well, my life is never an easy thing - but I know that I am a madness of my own design, and I am happy. I am peaceful. I am passionate. I am purposeful.

And life is good.

Of course, it could always be better - and I will always aspire to more, because that's just who I am...but I daresay that I am well. Very, very well.

And I stumbled upon this bit of fun today - and so I thought to take a moment to muse on it...and if anyone asked me any of these, even though they are clearly intended for a female to ask a male, well, here's what I'd say if asked:

1. Were you disappointed or excited when you first saw me?
Oh, I best have been excited to meet you - and I best have felt something towards you...something that draws me in, that made me want to learn more...and I'd have the need to touch you...to wonder what it felt like to be touched in turn...I daresay the feeling that has always struck me about the men of my life is that I've felt a natural and inexplicable inclination towards them...magnets...

and despite all the pain I've known from their presence and inevitable absence - I regret nothing and no one.

After all, I'm here now - and here is damn fine indeed.

2. Are you mentally unstable? (Alternative phrasing: Is anyone in your family koo-koo for cocoa puffs?)

Yes. I'm mad...

..minx meg.

3. Do you share food?

More like- I steal...pilfer and plunder. And oh yes, you're having some of mine too.

4. How many pairs of shoes do you own, and which pair do you wear the most?

Personally, I have too many pairs of shoes. I mean, I actually own 8 pairs of Dan Post cowboy boots...and no, I don't need that many boots - but I love them all in their fashion.

I've stopped counting how many pairs of strappy sandals I've acquired...but it's a lot. I mean, a lot.

As for which shoes I wear the most?

Hmmm...

probably my black patent leather loafers....because they are uber-comfy...though not as comfy as my slippers are - but they're close.

And I will admit that I am a one of those lasses who pays attention to a man's choice of footwear.

I've a penchant for men in bitted loafers...or Wootons...sans socks...

and a chap in cowboy boots?

oh...my.

I really should relocate to Austin. Methinks I'd be happy there.

5. How often do you think you'd be giving me massages?
All the time.

There is nothing in the world like warm massage oil and my lover's skin.

Nothing.

6. Are you doing your dream job -- and do you care?

No. And yes.

My dream job was actually my last job. And I'm not sure quite how I feel about the fact that I only experienced it for 18 months.

I want it back - that's a certainty...and yet, I know that it wouldn't be the same if I could go back to it. But I would if I could.

I was just so happy there.

I enjoyed the travel and the people.

I felt important. I felt necessary. I felt like I was giving something back.

And I was learning something - all the time.

In the role I'm in today - well, I'm just babysitting. And that's okay for now - because I'm learning to love my home, and I'm figuring out the next steps of my life. I have a man in my life again, and he is pushing me - no, pushing is not the right word...challenging me, perhaps is better....yes...that's better - he is challenging me to be who I say I am. And the next stage of my life is easing in...

As for the job?

Oh, it's just a job.

It's no longer the whole of me - and that's okay for now.

I'm settling at this job.

I can almost hear the redhead's voice in my head...that I'm not giving nearly enough to it.

But I'm oddly okay with it...because right now, I'm in muse-mode. And I'm more than okay with that.

7. How many girls have you hooked up with this year?

Ha. As this is obviously intended for a chap, I'll reverse the gender.

I've had one chap this year - and oh, I am proud of that...

8. Does anyone else think they're dating you right now?
Not to my knowledge.

9. What's the most common thing you've heard when girls see you naked for the first time?
Again, reversing the gender...men who see me nekkid are genuinely surprised that my breasts are as large as they are. Which is a Ryder clan trait - something I've been the lucky recipient of - though truth told, I've always wanted perky breasts...34c's would be grand - but alas, not my fate.

I tend to dress rather conservatively most of the time too, so I've been told by a few that they're surprised that I have the figure that I do.

I'm absolutely working on improving my sense of style so as to better play to my better physical traits, but honestly I hate standing out anymore than I already do - I mean, I'm 5'10" sans heels - which means I'm generally a head or so taller than most women. And I'm blonde, and I'm not a wallflower - so I don't feel the need to make any kind of statement. But I do know how to make one when I want to - and when I choose to?

Yep.

Trouble.

there is a reason that "u" is in the middle of that word *grins*

10. Why did your last relationship really end?

Excellent query.

Kirk would be the chap that I claim as my last relationship.

And it ended...I'm still not 100% sure entirely why, truth be told. I cared for him - deeply - and was learning to care for him even more deeply. But for whatever reasons he has, he didn't feel it - didn't feel me.

And I'm good with that - I wasn't his to lose.

In retrospect, I've mused on how selfish he was - and just how damn strange his relationship with his "ex" wife was...

I never would have had a place in his heart. No woman would - or will...until and unless he moves forward. And I'm honestly not sure that he's capable of that.

I've had the pleasure of chatting with a number of divorced chaps in my time, before and after the four-lettered-fiend, and though I recognize that each relationship is unique in and of itself, his relationship with his "ex" really took the cake.

11. How many exes are you still in touch with?
Hmmmm....good query...I daresay any of them could reach out and I'd respond to them in my fashion. Most though? Well, we move on and I've naught to do with him or him with me - and I'm good with that.

12. How do you fight?
Apathy.

The six most hurtful words in my vocabulary.

13. When I say the word "marriage," what do you think?
I don't think - I hope.

14. What percentage of the time do you think your pee actually hits the toilet water?

ha...made me smile, this one...up until Peter, I'd never actually seen a man pee in my bathroom - he claims it's "European"...umm, sure.

15. How soon would you be open to kids, and do you even want children?

Open?

Want?

Yes.

and yes.

How they arrive - as of my body or of my heart, I've no idea yet...

but I'm open.

And I want...

Holiday Photos

2010-01-11T18:28:00.002-05:00

Finally! Some 1/2 way decent photos of me from the holidays...and oh, say hello to Fred, Blondie, Maggie & Jack...and that big guy? That's my Uncle Mike - who doubles as the best bloody Santa I've ever seen...

not much time to ramble now...must do laundry and pack...

what if...

2010-01-10T17:54:00.005-05:00

so I just caught this on the boob tube...I'm not familiar with Ashley Tisdale - but oh, methinks this is just grand...

something rather haunting about it.

In any case, I'm delighted to be home this evening - just chilling out after spending a nice holiday with Fred and My Father...had a bit of an argument with Fred this weekend - but that's just par for the course now and again. Essentially it boils down to the fact that Fred wants to give one of Margaret's favored pieces of jewellry to Blondie and I disagree. Not that I don't believe that Blondie should also have some of Margaret's favored pieces, but I do disagree with the choices Fred has made and her rationale for giving certain pieces to Blondie and to me. Essentially, certain pieces will go to Blondie because she will be able to give them to Maggie at some future point.

Me?

Oh, I am faulted for not having a daughter to bequeath things to - and further, it seems that Fred doesn't think that I'm able to give pieces away to their proper recipient when the time comes (i.e. those of the Margaret-line)...which begs the question of to whom I'd give anything I've ever acquired to when I do die...no one, it seems.

Yep - not the best of "discussions" with Fred...further there was the fact that Fred thinks I'm "wrong" to feel what I feel.

Ummm - who died and left Fred king?

Argh.

Just pisses me off -

I've known forever that Blondie is Fred's favored daughter - it's just something I've grown up with - and anyone who says that you don't have a more favored child is absolutely lying.

Fortunately, I am comfortable enough in my skin to deal with these minor disagreements with Fred. Comfortable enough, and the participant in years of therapy, that is.

In any case, I'm very much a happy camper tonight - it is good to be home.

Remarkable how just the purchase of a couple of rugs and hanging some absolutely gorgeous slate-coloured draperies in my boudoir have made my humble abode feel so much like home.

In any case, I'm particularly proud of this little tete-a-tete spot I've created recently...even though I had to trade out my favorite coffee table to create it...now all I need is a chess partner to join me c'e soire...

Movie and TV Quotes

2010-01-10T16:42:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately, I don't possess the gene that all men seem to possess...you know, the one that allows men to remember every single line from their favorite movies...

I do, however, have a few that are near and dear to my heart...

so, stealing a bit from here, I added a few of my own...

“Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.” — Dennis the Peasant, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

“Three rings for the Elven kings under the sky, seven for the Dwarf lords in their halls of stone, nine for the mortal men doomed to die, one for the Dark Lord on his dark throne, in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie. One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring the bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.” -LOTR

“Spock. This child is about to wipe out every living thing on Earth. Now, what do you suggest we do….spank it?” — Dr. McCoy, Star Trek: The Motion Picture

“With great power there must also come — great responsibility.” - Amazing Fantasy #15 (August 1962)

“If you can’t take a little bloody nose, maybe you oughtta go back home and crawl under your bed. It’s not safe out here. It’s wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross; but it’s not for the timid.” — Q, Star Trek: The Next Generation “Q Who?”

“Five card stud, nothing wild. And the sky’s the limit” — Captain Jean Luc Picard, uttering the last line of the series, Star Trek: The Next Generation “All Good Things…”

“If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what you want… Well, that’s where you’re right. But - and I am only saying that because I care - there’s a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing.” - Chris Knight, Real Genius

“We’re all very different people. We’re not Watusi. We’re not Spartans. We’re Americans, with a capital ‘A’, huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We’re the underdog.” - John Winger, Stripes

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” - Ace Ventura, Ace ventura, Pet Detective

“I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.” - Ty Webb, Caddyshack

“Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.” - Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

This is the way society functions. Aren’t you a part of society?” - Kramer, Seinfeld

“Ray, if someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!” - Winston, Ghostbusters

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.” -Darth Vader, Star Wars

“Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.” - Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back

It’s a moral imperative.” - Chris Knight, Real Genuis

“Well, let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning’s reading, it would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.” - Egon, Ghostbusters

“Nothing shocks me–I’m a scientist.” - Indiana Jones, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

“Bright light! Bright light!” - Gremlins

“The Road goes ever on and on/Down from the door where it began/Now far ahead the Road has gone/And I must follow, if I can/Pursuing it with eager feet/Until it joins some larger way/Where many paths and errands meet/And whither then? I cannot say.” - J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings

“If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” - Albert Einstein

“Wait a minute, Doc. Ah… Are you telling me you built a time machine… out of a DeLorean?” - Marty McFly, Back to the Future

“This is your receipt for your husband… and this is my receipt for your receipt.” - Officer, Brazil

“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!” -Inigo, The Princess Bride

We’re going to need a bigger boat.” - Chief Brody, Jaws

ET phone home.” - ET

“What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?” - Bridgekeeper, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

“Face it tiger, you just hit the jackpot!”–Mary Jane, Spider-Man.

“Danger Will Robinson! Danger!” - the Robot, Lost in Space

“Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.” - Harry Lime, The Third Man

“Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.” - Peter Gibbons, Office Space

“Kneel before Zod.” - Zod, Superman II

“Shall we play a game?” - Joshua, WarGames

“Make it so” / “Engage” - Captain Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation

There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.
-Douglas Adams

“Here’s lookin at you kid.”- Casablanca

“Of all the gin joints in all the world..”- Casablanca

“It’s my birthday and I wants it.”- Gollum, Lord of the Rings

“Do you bite your thumb at my sir?”- Romeo and Juliet

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”- Hamlet

I’m a doctor, not a magician.” Doctor Leonard McCoy “The Deadly Years” [Original Star Trek Series]

There can be only one – Highlander

Inconceivable! - The Princess Bride

Wonder Twin powers activate!’ (Superfriends)

“They should have sent a poet.” Contact

“Mawiage. Mawiage is what bwings us togetha today.” Peter Cook

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” Wizard of Oz

“Shaken. Not stirred.” Bond

“Yes, my preciousesessses.” Gollum

To infinity..and beyond!” Buzz Lightyear

“Second star to the right, and straight on ’til morning.” J. M. Barrie, in Peter Pan.

“Greetings, professor Falken.” “How about a nice game of chess.”

There is no spoon. The Matrix

“You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have read him in the original Klingon.” - Chancellor Gorkon, Star Trek VI, The Undiscovered Country

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

“Come with me if you want to live –” The Terminator

“But why is the rum gone?” Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean

“The guy’s one lab accident away from being a super villain.” Big Bang Theory,

Wax on, wax off. The Karate Kid

Carole: Hey, Goose, you big stud! Goose: That's me, honey. Carole: Take me to bed or lose me forever. Goose: Show me the way home, honey. – Top Gun

Charlie: Where did you see this? Maverick: Uh, that's classified. Charlie: It's what? Maverick: It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. – Top Gun.

No thanks, I’m a fruitarian. Notting Hill

I am just a girl standing in front of a boy wanting for him to love her." Notting Hill

Sydney: I don't know how you do it. / Andy: It's Arthur Murray. Six lessons. / Sydney: That's not what I mean. Two hundred pairs of eyes are focused on you with two questions on their minds: who's this girl, and why is the President dancing with her? / Andy: Well, first of all, the two hundred pairs of eyes aren't focused on me. They're focused on you. And the answers are Sydney Ellen Wade, and because she said yes. – The American President

Wanda: To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep who could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape? / Otto: Apes don't read philosophy. / Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it! – A Fish Called Wanda

Will Hunting: Do you like apples? /Clark: Yeah. /Will Hunting: Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples? – Good Will Hunting

Christian: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. – Moulin Rouge

Inigo Montoya: Who are you? /Westley: No one of consequence. /Inigo Montoya: I must know... /Westley: Get used to disappointment. – The Princess Bride

Vivian: "I want the fairy tale." – Pretty Woman

Lloyd Dobler: "What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it." – Say Anything

Joe Fox: "You're crazy about him--" /Kathleen Kelly: "Yes. I am." /Joe Fox: "Then why don't you run off with him? What are you waiting for?" /Kathleen Kelly: "I don't actually know him."
Joe Fox: "Really?" /Kathleen Kelly: "We only know each other--oh, God, you're not going to believe this--" /Joe Fox: "Let me guess. From the Internet." /Kathleen Kelly: "Yes."
Joe Fox: "You’ve got mail." /Kathleen Kelly: "Yes." /Joe Fox: "Very powerful words." /Kathleen Kelly: "Yes." – You’ve Got Mail

Dr. Neil

2010-01-06T20:49:00.003-05:00

So for reasons I can't yet fathom, I've decided to renew my membership on eharmony. Not that I really have any expectation of meeting anyone of great consequence on the bloody site - after all Kirk confirmed for me that there are still a ton of fruitcakes out there who say one thing and truly are another...

...it's moreso because I find it mildly entertaining to see who's out there on the dating scene and eharm is the only site that I have any faith in whatsoever to meet "dateable" chaps on the interweb. And then there is the fact that I hate, hate HATE long distance anything...

Granted, I can absolutely conceive of 99 different ways to spend the $99 it's going to cost me to be entertained now and again on the site for the next three months, but I don't know...I think that there is a little part of me that still believes in fate - and that there are places and opportunities to connect with people I otherwise wouldn't have a chance to meet.

Ah well...I'm just a wee bit disenchanted tonight...

Julie has pulled a typical Julie-move, and has backed out of her East Coast visit...granted, it is only my airmiles and a minor cost at loss...but I don't know - I'm more miffed than anything that a year has gone by and she is still pulling this crap. I really am done going out of my way to help her. I've introduced her to every contact that I have and she's managed to botch up every possible job opportunity to get her back on this coast...

some people...ya just can't help them if they don't want to help themselves...

there is always Plan B though - so now Curt and I will spend those two weekends skiing - and I may be able to escape up to Vermont too...just need to remember to reach out to Claudia tomorrow to see if the condo is available...argh, so much to do tomorrow...

In any case, it's been one of those days...had a nice enough lunch with Tim and Justin though - so that was definitely the highlight of the day...always good to actually take a lunch break and not sit in front of my computer all day. I really do wish I enjoyed my job a little more - but truth told, the environment is just sucking the life out of me...I really am not cut out for the investment banking realm...it just feels so soul-less...I at least like to believe in the mission of the firm I work with and this one? There is no soul there...I'm tempted, sorely tempted to apply to a position I discovered yesterday up in Syracuse - but honestly, inasmuch as I'd love to be closer to Peter, I just can't see myself living in Syracuse...it just doesn't feel like "home"...

Ah well - methinks tonight calls for a nice, long hot bath...maybe I'll even treat myself to some bubbles and a glass of wine...

now THAT is a fine idea indeed...

Comments

2010-01-05T20:19:00.004-05:00

So tonight I finally updated my blog-roll with some of the blogs that I've been reading more often than not lately...at some point I'll have to purge the list - so many of my favorite writers haven't been active in a very long time...I do, however, like to keep their former homes there, just because I can.

I was struck today by a comment that Moxie made and was transcribed at one of my new favorite blogs ""Readers are very smart, and they possess one thing that the blogger doesn't - objectivity. They end up knowing you better than you know yourself, and they won't think twice about calling you out."

Can't claim that I agree with that statement at all - though I am in accord that it is a grand thing indeed when I'm "called out" - especially by Susie, Wombat, RC, Henry et al. And granted too, I know that anyone who follows me here regularly is very smart indeed - but I daresay that no one except those who are truly witness to the whole of my life know me - let alone "know me better than I know myself." Inasmuch as I claim that I'm more here than I am anywhere else in my life, even I know that's not true. Blogging is just a piece of anyone - it's never the whole picture. Indeed, I find that I am vehemently opposed to the premise that someone who has never met me in person would know me better than even I know myself.

In any case - I'm in a mood tonight...should have been out and about with Blondie, but work got in the way - and so I'm here, rambling...when I'd rather be elsewhere.

I have though, had a mah-vo-lous few days, and so I'm choosing to focus on them, and all my new rugs ...indeed, it's the strangest thing - I wander from room to room and am just so pleased with all these new things underfoot. I am not 100% sure about one of my purchases though...still contemplating returning one of them...for some reason it doesn't feel quite "right"...

ah well, I'll decide on the morrow - it's still too soon to tell whether or not that one rug feels like home.

Home.

Yep...I'm still marvelling at that one...

and yet it seems that I am here...

here.

four letters.

amen.

Magic Carpet Ride

2010-01-05T19:05:00.012-05:00

So after much reflection, I've decided on a Persian theme for my library...I picked out an absolutely gorgeous rug up in Manchester - a chap named Alp creates these bloody magnificent rugs out of antique scraps...and oh, I would so have loved to put one in my family room - or better yet as a runner in my library...but the 3k+ price-tag is a little hefty for this bargain-shopper...so instead I've been having a blast hunting for the perfect rugs...going for a scattered look instead of something more cohesive...so just for now, until I can actually afford HOME, well, I'm damn proud of what I've acquired thus far...

And what is probably my favorite rug - at the top of my stairs...

Interestingly enough, though, I may be completely changing up the rug in the family room yet again, so the one downstairs will go in the guest room because Blondie's sale of the brownstone means that she's got a houseful of furniture, rugs and "stuff" that I get first dibs on...and since Blondie has such great taste, well, I daresay that within a month, I'm going to have a whole heck of a lot of new stuff.

Stuff.

Gets me thinking about how little we actually need to survive - and yet I've been acquiring quite a bit lately...in part because I've been putting some money away for a rainy day, and I finally decided to spend a little bit of my rainy day on home...

Home.

I really am home. I even have a cast-iron skillet from Sebastian *grins*... And I've got to tell ya - it is the neatest feeling in the world...to walk into a place that at the end of the day feels "mine"...now granted, I would really, really like someone to come home to - but I'm actually okay with the fact that I'm not going to have that feeling everyday anytime soon. Granted, it has been an amazing thing to have spent so much time with Peter lately - I just love how easy we are together...but I also appreciate my "alone time"...I've been thinking a lot about how wretchedly I've been treated by so many men in my past - and for so very long I've told myself that it's okay, that this is just the way the world is...but that's bullshit - what it is actually, is just how I've allowed myself to be treated.

The good news is that I am not allowing myself to be treated that way any longer. I haven't the patience nor the strength for it. And so I have done what I periodically do - I purge those from my life that have no place here...it's a sad thing, and yet it's just what I do - how I re-invent myself...chrysalis...cathartic...important and necessary.

And I can't and won't blame the men of my past for bringing me to this place - no, I just keep one foot afront the other...and I find those who are worthy of my time and effort and energy.

A new job will be the next step. I am so ridiculously unhappy with my job that it's almost laughable - but it is what it is: a paycheck. And in this day and age I am grateful to have it. After all, it allows me to acquire more stuff, to ski on weekends with my dear friends and loved ones, and oh, I'm flying Julie here in two weeks time - because I miss her oodles, and it's time for that woman to get her ass back on the right coast.

I'm also pleased as punch that I've got all sorts of good plans on the calendar between now and April. It's been such an age that I've planned things months out.

In all honesty, I've been afraid to - so much of my life is a come-as-you-are...but it is good, grand even, to have some more definition...to have so much to look towards...

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but I daresay I've found some semblance of peace of late...2010 is starting off as a mighty fine year indeed...

In any case, my home remains incredibly cluttered - still much organizing to do before I turn in for the night...the dust in here is insane...hate being away sometimes...come home and it gives me such perspective on all my "stuff"...fortunately, I'm a craigslist pro...and I'm morphing into one heck of a neat-freak...who woulda thunk????

2010

2010-01-04T19:14:00.007-05:00

Unsinkable ships, sink
Unbreakable walls, break
Sometimes the things you think would never happen
Happen just like that
Unbendable steel, bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible

---The Impossible
Joe Nichols

I haven't made much time to ramble lately...not that I haven't had running commentary in my head these last two weeks - it's just that instead of rambling, I've been doing a fair amount of talking...and listening...

My Aunt Susan has finally passed on...it was not an easy death - she'd been suffering for six years - fighting brain cancer - so very successfully...and then...

well, my Uncle Karl said it best: Susan – I have loved you since we first met 33 years ago and I will miss you every second, of every minute, of every day for the rest of my life.

I have known great love like that, many, many times in my life - and I consider myself incredibly fortunate. And more importantly than knowing it in the past, I know that I will again experience it in the future - because my life, well, my life is magic.

I had a mah-vo-lous holiday with the T-clan...remarkably, it was stress-free...and somewhat low-key...all in all, it was definitely nice to have family around. And then I had the great fortune of spending some much needed play-time with Peter and Gregory.

Sometimes I do love playing tourist in town...even in the snow...

Since I happen to know a chap over at the Empire State Building we were the lucky recipients of a VIP tour of the building...culminating in reaching the tippy-top heights - quite a few floors above where the tourists have acces: outside the cupola - above the lights even...it was incredibly windy and with my slight fear of heights I didn't walk all the way around, but the boys did - and Richard snapped the pic of us below *grins*...Gregory even got to play elevator man for a bit...and I learned that it takes 38 hours to change all the coloured-lights inside the tower, and that the tourist elevators address the passengers in 14 different languages depending on who's aboard...a very, VERY neat adventure...

...that's me...windblown and holding on for dear life 1250+ feet up...if you look at this picture, you can see the round cupola the boys ventured out on above the lights, a good 250 ft above the regular visitors deck...

in my next life perhaps, I'll have more courage...but not this one...

Fortunately, we "rewarded" ourselves with a yummy lunch at Cafe Sabarsky - one of my favorite ethnic-eats in town and an early afternoon IMAX showing of Avatar and a cut-throat game of Time Crisis 4 at Dave & Busters...by far one of the best "tourist" days I've spent in town.

The last few days I've been skiing up at Stratton...a marvelous few days at Bromley View Inn with Peter, Kevin and Kami...I'm a little miffed at myself for not being in better condition cardio-wise, so I had to take more than a few stops from summit to base...but oh, it was grand to be on the slopes again...and conditions were perfect...even had a few inches of snow while we were on the mountain...

And the food?

Dear Lord...the food was bloody amazing. We dined at Bistro Henry two nights in a row because the duck? The duck is damned near perfect. I swear I'm going to learn how to prepare duck properly - because that duck? Ambrosia. Bloody ambrosia.

In any case, I am also terribly behind in my unpacking and putting my holiday decorations back in storage...something I dread doing, but it must be done.

More perhaps, later...