with child...

so my ex, Phillip...the man I spent 3.5 years with? Was formerly engaged to...lived off and on with for more time than I care to recall? Yep, him.....

...is going to be a Father.

It's kind of shocking actually. And I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I'm happy for him - Lord knows he just hit 40 this year, so it's about time...but really...Phillip? A Dad?

Okay.

Sure.

That one needs to sink in a bit.

and Thanksgiving...the anniversary of my birthday...indeed...it's going to be a fascinating few days...

and then there is this - because, this just totally tickled my funny bone...dear Lord I'm getting old...icons of my youth...

kind of similar to Phillip, actually...

Tuesday

So bloody much stuff to do today....

and no, I am not particularly looking forward to it - but it is what it is....

work.

Four letters.

It's just so frustrating, because once upon a time in my last life, I was so excited about my job. I really was happy traveling all around the country - meeting new people, leading new initiatives, getting stuff done. Unfortunately, I haven't the same level of autonomy in my current role - and it's really starting to weigh on my soul.

The good news is that I've opened up more than a few new contacts - there are good people out there who are looking for new opportunities for me - and that, well, that is wonderful.

I'm a big believer in karma - so with luck, there will be something else out there that is far more challenging for me to do. And if not, well, if not, I'll continue along this path here and make the best of it for as long as I can.

I'm very non-committal about things these days - and I actually think that helps me put stuff in perspective. I certainly feel more mature - more centered...and it's a feeling that I'm not interested in losing anytime soon. After all, this is the gal who was solid enough to say "Kirk, get the hell out of my way if you can't be all in"...and then who, in a matter of days later, could say "Dante, I deeply care for you too"...but could not, and would not say I love you in return...because inasmuch as I care for him, I do not love him...

Which puts me in a really interesting place with Peter.

One which, quite frankly, I have no idea what to do with.

From a factual perspective, I know that anything more than a friendship between us is ridiculous...but given the events of my life, the men I have loved and the men who have claimed to love me in turn? Well, I know myself well enough to know that I'm willing to take a chance here. In part because he asked me to, and in part becaust I can't not.

And this is perhaps, not the brightest thing I've ever done - and I'm honestly not sure that it can be more. I have a super hard time with anything long distance. I vowed after Ian that would be the last of the long distance anything. I mean, if I'm going to be in a relationship, I want to wake up with you here, now. I'm done with sacrificing things for the greater good. Intimate relationships for me need to be about presence...

I have, however, learned the value of patience - and I'm smart enough to know a good thing when I see one...

and so I'm taking a chance - asking myself the hard questions and we'll see what happens next.

I'm pretty sure that I'm in for yet another shattered heart - and that this friendship is going to evolve to a place that I haven't been yet...the interesting thing is that I'm actually okay with the fact that I'm not in the driver's seat - and that I've got someone who is willing to go with the flow with me no matter what.

I know I'm not in any hurry to go anywhere or be anything.

Indeed, I've got a birthday in a matter of days, and the whole age thing is hitting me harder than I care to admit. What kills me is that I really, REALLY wanted to dine at Per Se with Kirk this birthday...he's one of the few men I know that would have truly appreciated the meal...and I had this really amazing dress...

ah well...

Time...

I promised myself I would not rile against the passage of time...

after all, it is a man-made construct, and I'm all about being non-contrived these days...

That said - the world hasn't been particularly kind to me these past 24 hours...I was so excited about selling my first set of skis on Craigslist...turns out that I was clearly being set up for a scam...good thing for me: I'm a smart cookie and when something doesn't feel right I'm willing to call someone out on something...unfortunately, now I have to re-post the bloody things and go through the process again...ah well, maybe I'll do that after the holiday weekend. Right now I've got a million other things to do before I'm off for turkey break...

But the good news is that it's Tuesday...and so all will be well in my world.

Feeling Good

So I'm back in Bethlum for a short respite...

With Fred's broken ankle, she couldn't attend the Destino concert last night at Lehigh...and oh, what a concert it was...

I sat there, stage left at a caberet table, and for 90 minutes or so...well, let's just say that I have a deep appreciation for ear candy...and oh, these three young men from Canada?

Ear candy...

And the pianist?

Damn.

And lucky for me, I sat closest to this chap Paul...and man o man, that man has pipes to melt ya...just simply melt ya...not to mention the fact that he's one gorgeous chap...

and I'll be the first to admit that I melted a bit when he took my hand as he walked off the stage...

Have I mentioned that I adore Canucks? Ever since Ian...

6 ft something gods of my idolatry...each and every one...

In any case - don't mind my reverie...it's a rather good weekend -

I am pleased to note that I'll be spending a fair amount of time with Fred today - she's finally got a boot for her ankle - so we'll be able to hobble around the market and the stores today. Fred always enjoys my visits home, and I'm pleased to be of assistance. It makes me feel so much more of value than the time I've spent at the office this week.

I'm also totally psyched to try out a few recipes from my new cookbooks -

at some point I'll have to thank kirk for the introduction to the Williams-Sonoma cookbook line...the Chicken and French books recently arrived and I am so excited to experiment a bit...it's a strange thing to recognize so much of the good stuff that Kirk introduced me too...

I really do miss that man some mornings...I really, really do.

Ah well - choices were made - and so here we are.

I'm also psyched to note that the Blue Mtn tent sale is this weekend - and though I really don't need anything, I am going to go look...I promised Curt and age ago that we would go together too - and oh, I am just so excited about ski season...

In truth, I do have new/old skis. I sold a pair that I was not 100% thrilled about...my First Luvs...because they were just too beginner for me. My Dynastar Exclusive Fluids are better suited to my style...but I had my eye on the Burnin Luvs all last winter...so I demo'd them...found an amazing deal on ebay - and was just giddy with excitement to see that my new/old skis and Peter's Christmas present arrived (some sweet Apache Sabres)...so with the exception of helmets for G. and Peter, we are all good to go for the season...

woo-hoo!

I'm just so excited.

What I was NOT excited to see though, was a note from Dante in my in-box...and though I promised I would not publicly flog him herein, I will do my best to be kind...

because I always endeavor to be kind.

And yes, I too, would be in shock to learn that a woman that I cared deeply for is now dealing with yet another man claiming his place in her heart.

And no, I cannot and will not explain Sebastian Monkey - because in truth, I haven't the words to do so. I do know that it makes all and no sense...I know that this man is my best friend - and of all the men that have ever claimed to love me, well, his claim is far more true than so many others...He has put me in an impossibly difficult situation, and he knows it.

He claims, too, that there is a possibility that a full-on relationship would work between us.

I have my doubts - and more than a few reservations.

But I also know that I love him. And I know that I'm absolutely nuts. Mad, even.

And so I can't not explore what this means. Like him, I too know that I would be a fool not to.

I've known him forever it seems - and not once have I let him kiss me. Well, I finally let him kiss me. And I kissed him back. And for better or worse it opened up Pandora's Box.

And no, I haven't any answers - and in truth, I don't seek any answers right now. I am just enjoying thoroughly every moment that we share together...in part because I am a hedonist, and in part because there is something inexplicably good about who we are.

I have always been honest with him...beyond the marrow of my bones.

He met me when I was in the midst of the redhead, and he is one of the driving forces behind my involvement with Kirk...no matter what madness I get into or out of, Peter has stood by me...and I have not entered into this madness with him out of obligation nor mere curiosity...I just know that it is something I must do...and that I want to do.

And so here we are.

He makes me happy.

Well, I should say instead that he makes me happy - when I don't want to kill him *grins*

Ah well - who knows what happens next.

I certainly don't.

And it's the first time that I haven't entered into a relationship with intention or with a certain level of control...and he knows that this is not comfortable for me...and I am struggling with it. But I will not let the fear of God keep me out of heaven...

what is most important to me is that he and I keep talking.

I know that he reads me here and quite frankly, I don't care - I'm not going to change the core of who or what I am...and if you don't care for my "personality" well, be gone with you...

sorry - that bit still smarts...

In any case, where was I?

Oh yes...talking...talking is important and necessary...

But writing - rambling, rather, for me, is also important and necessary - and it is something that I can't not do...

is it always true?

Yes - in the moment that I scribble it - I daresay that it's the best I can do in the moment that I'm in...Peter likes to quote stuff back to me now and again. I think that's a great thing...and it strokes my ego...but half the time I don't recall what the hell he's talking about...I mean, I have well over a couple thousand entries since 2000...this is ww3 after all...

and I really am flattered that anyone ever feels it good to read this madness...but that's all it really is...if you want to be in my life, well then...BE in my life.

It's about choices.

Presence and absence.

I've chosen presence with a few magnificent extraordinary souls whom I absolutely adore...and with luck, they adore me in equal measure...

or sometimes, well, when I'm lucky, sometimes they adore me more...

Ah well...much to do today...must get crackin'

But I do want to say, because I can say...life, well, my life today is good.

yay!

Q&A

1. What do you share in common? What are your differences? Can you both find ways to overcome these differences?
2. What is it about your partner that attracts you? Consider making a list and referring to it when you have moments of frustration.
3. Can you accept the differences in health? Know that the older partner will most likely have health concerns before you will. Will you be able to handle this?
4. Are you interested in this partner for love, or is it something else, such as money, security, or for attention?
5. Will you be willing to accept sexual incompatibilities? The chances of your both hitting your sexual peak is virtually non-existent. What will you do?
6. Will your family accept this relationship? If not, will this be okay with your family's disapproval?
7. Do you both want children?
8. Where do you want to live? Perhaps your spouse will want to live elsewhere when he or she retires. Will you be happy to go with or stay where you are?
9. Are you both willing to change?
10. Are you willing to recognize the challenges that come with a life-time commitment, and do your best to overcome it?
11. Do you have compatible communication styles? Communication is the key to a lasting relationship. Talk, talk, talk!


Once upon a time, I used to get up at the crack of dawn and walk down Coggeshall to my rock off Ledge Road...it was just me and my pen, my journal and a heart that was full of hope.. it was important for me to take time each day to ramble - in part because I was always an early riser and I needed something to do while the world was still at rest - and in part because I was restless and needed something to put my energies towards - and in part because I am fond of discipline and ritual...it soothes me.

And so this morning I woke up thinking about my rock - thinking about the places I have been to soothe me - and how I will always carry these spaces with me even though they are so far away...

It has been a fascinating few days.

I have come to discover that I truly hate my job. Well, not true - let me say instead that I abhor the people that I work with. I am not cut out for the realm of investment banking. I've known it for some time now and yet I muddle through - because I have bills to pay, because the market is what it is, because it is so very close to home.

But there is no joy in it.

Over the course of my life I know that I have always taken the road less travelled by - I seek out challenges - I go where so many fear to tread...because it makes me stronger - it exposes me to more...and I seek experience....and I find more.

What's fascinating is that it isn't always about me seeking it out either - sometimes it comes to me - and because I am the control freak that I am, I find that I have to step back - and more often than not lately, just shut up, gather my wits together and figure out the lesson in it. More often that not on the career scene lately I find that I don't like what I find - and yet I accept it - because that's what you do when you have an education, when you have maturity...

and I find joy where I can, when I can...

and I focus on the other more important things in my life.

And so I find myself again here...

rambling...

taking solace in the hundreds of millions of words which calm me...

I am so very, very proud of myself for not only being able to tell Kirk to go away, but for actually doing it. And I tell ya - it wasn't easy. There are pieces of me that wish that it could have been different...because there was an opportunity there to be something more...he just didn't want to take a risk...he didn't want to do the work.

And that's okay by me - some people just don't need to be in my life.

Granted, it hurts like hell sometimes, because I carry such hope in me...and it was just so nice for Katherine to reach out and say hello...I really would have liked to be her friend...because her soul just beams...

Ah well - in retrospect it was a summer fling. I haven't had one of those in an age. And I needed to find someone to help get me through the redhead - because holding on to that - well, that is something, someone, like Stephen, that needs to be put in his place...on a shelf in my past life...one which I will carry with me...

memories...

like the corners of my mind...

That all said - my best friend is in love with me - and it is not a trifling thing. Indeed, I've been in this sublime space for the last few days trying to come to terms with it. And I have to keep writing it down because I hardly believe it sometimes...because it truly is a huge thing...

it is so much more than me...

See, part of the problem is that I act with so much intention in my life - I decide to do something and then I do it...fully committed...all or nothing.

I educate myself to the best of my ability - I contemplate the questions - seek out all of the issues - and I accept the consequences of my choices - no matter how seemingly great or small they be...no matter the glory or the pain of it...and I hold myself accountable. Worse, or better, still...I hold those around me accountable.

This is in part why I can count my true friends on one hand.

There aren't a lot of people out there who have such strength of character.

But me, oh, I am the lucky one - because I find them - and I never let them go.

It is a strange thing indeed to know this peace...

I forgot how quiet it is this early in the morning.

How much I like it.

How clear-headed and spirited I am...

There is just so much that I want to say this morning - that I am so pleased with myself for understanding some of the choices that I have made lately - and that I am similarly delighted with so much of the stuff that I don't understand but am learning more about...I mean, who, exactly gets these opportunities?

It's as if some angel sits on my shoulder and says: Margaret Celeste, you want more?

Here.

Take.

And so I do...and it is a grand thing...

And I wouldn't be me if I didn't admit that it was a difficult thing sometimes...that it didn't involve a fair amount of pain.

But the reward is great - and I truly wouldn't change a thing.

All that said, I think I've known that Peter was in love with me for some time now - actually, I know I've known. I've just put it in a box because it was safer there. And in truth, loving Peter would force me to make choices that quite frankly, I didn't want to make.

I'm not sure that I'm at the time or space to make those choices now, but I am sure that I love him. I am sure that I respect him enough to take the time to acknowledge what he feels, and what I feel for that matter...and to just be. Because being is good...it is rich and it is real...and he's right...I don't know when I've felt more mature...more relaxed...even though my whole universe is a bit of madness lately and adding what is by far the most complex four letter word to the mix hardly makes it any easier...

and yet...

I wouldn't be me without him.

He's been my #1 go-to for the last three, no, almost four years now...

And yes, though I do have a hell of a lot more to lose than he does, I daresay that I also have a hell of a lot more to gain.

And so here we are.

yay!

*grins*

there are questions to be asked...and answered...and I might just have the courage to breathe them in...

and out...

I have no idea whether or not whatever this is will work - indeed, I have no clue what "this" is, nor do I know what "will work" means...I just know that I'm so looking forward to putting down my proverbial pen and picking up the phone and saying "good morning" to someone who means so damn much to me...

and then taking a nice, long, hot shower...

it's the strangest thing

I think I've known since the moment that I saw Peter that he was in love with me.

It was in the eyes...it was in the spaces between.

And yet we became friends - best friends. Because that's what you do when you recognize someone...and if you're smart, if you're really, really smart - you just love them. In part, because you can't not.

It's been a very strange thing to confront what Peter actually feels about me - and in truth, I still don't know how I feel about it - I don't know how I feel about him. I mean, I know that I love him. That I, too, have loved him since the moment I met him.

But I haven't been in love with him...

see, because when I met him I was in love with the redhead...

because I will always be in love with the redhead...

I can't not be in love with the redhead...

because friendship came first.

because friendship still comes first.

Kevin was actually the one to teach me about friendship. About its endurance.

Fred and my Father taught me about the unconditional nature of it...

and all of this is just to say that I have learned so much about love...from so many people...and oh, it is a kindness...

I like to think that I am giving some of it back. I know for certainty that I am trying.

There are a lot of moving pieces in my universe lately. I've made a decision about work, I've made a decision about my life - about where and how I would like it to go from this point - of what I am willing and not willing to accept.

It is impossible for me to be anyone other than me...I have so little patience for idiots...I have so little tolerance for those who don't embrace all that they can be...for those who accept mediocrity and believe that a culture of consensus is good in pursuit of the almighty dollar.

Give them their golden cow...

I've no time for such idols...

I seek more.

And so I shall find...indeed, I am finding.

And today I found that I really, truly hate my job. It is little more than a paycheck. And it's not about the work that I am doing, but about the people that I am working with.

I care so little for them...and it is the first time in a long time that I am willing to stand and take accountability for that truth.

It makes me appreciate all the more the people whom I have loved, and those who have loved me.

I wonder, if I knew I was dying, that I had so little time left, if I would be getting up in the morning and going to this place and being with those people...

And then I remember that I am dying...

And I wonder why I have chosen this particular path now...

Because it is a path. Just a path.

Four letters.

I do find joy in it - because I must find joy in it.

But I focus on other things. On other people...because there is more there...elsewhere.

Katherine, Kirk's friend, reached out to me yesterday. The wedding we attended not so long ago...seems an age now though.

It was a kindness - and oh, I do like her - it was such an unexpected thing. And it made me miss him just a bit...made me want what couldn't be. What wouldn't be.

Blondie seems to think that Kirk will make his presence known again in my life - that he will at some point come to know what he so recklessly put aside.

I daresay that I will have little room for him. So much is about timing. So much is about here, now. About missing 100% of the chances that you didn't take.

I daresay that there is a sadness that sits and has settled now. There are almost moments when I want to reach out to him and tell him that Chateau Montelena has a special place in my life now...as do monsters...and toile wallpaper...and that there are so many things which I find daily that remind me of what might have been.

And then I breathe in...and out...

And I remember that I am here.

I am so very, very lucky to have loved and lost...

because in it I am found.

Indeed, I am found.

Here I am.

In 10 days I will celebrate the anniversary of my birthday...it is a grand thing to know that I am growing so old so well...

I am actually thoroughly enjoying celebrating this occasion this year - it was truly lovely to dine with Blondie this week. I do love that woman...and I am so very very proud of the woman she has become. We are so very different and yet...

Sisters...

it's just the beginning of who we are.

And oh, I thank God that I have finally come to a place where I just simply love her.

There is such strength in that...such simple joy.

Christmas won't be easy this year...but it will be easier...and that, well, that is beyond words...

And have I mentioned my New Year's plans yet???

No?

Oh, well, let me say this then...I am doing what I love to do, in a place I love to do it, with a man - well, with a man whom I adore...and if that ain't the best thing since sliced bread, then I have absolutely no idea what is.

cashew see I love you?

Regret I haven't made a priority of rambling lately...

just too much happening...personally and professionally...

lovely dinner with Blondie tonight and big presentation at the office earlier today - which went remarkably well...it seems that I'm at the core of a paradigm shift at the office, which is a good thing...

but oh, the price of it?

Sucks the soul of me...

the soul of me which wants, and might just have found more...

But true to my fashion - it's complicated. Because everything in my life is complicated.

My best friend is in love with me.

I can't help the fact that I love you. And I won't make any excuses for it.

And I've known it - I think I've always known it.

What I'm going to do about it?

I have no effing clue. And I made a promise that I wouldn't think too much about it, that I would just be me, that I would just continue to be honest with him - and so I am.

I don't want to hurt him, and I absolutely don't want to hurt me. And I do love him...I'm just not sure that I'm "in love" with him...and if I am "in love" with him then there are questions to be lived...to be asked and answered. He deserves the time to ask and answer the questions...and so I am giving him, and in turn, giving me, time and trust and truth...

In any case - I'm exhausted...I'm seeing a bath in my near future...RC's got me thinking about water...and oh, a good long soak would be grand right about now...

kocham cie...brakuje mi ciebie...

Sagittarius Horoscope for week of November 12, 2009

I hope that by now you have finished scrabbling along on your hands and knees over burning hot shards of broken glass. The next and hopefully final phase of your redemptive quest should be less torturous. In this upcoming chapter, the operative metaphor might be assembling a jigsaw puzzle with 200 pieces, all of which are red. Amazingly enough, you actually have it in you to accomplish this improbable feat -- as long as you don't spread out the puzzle pieces all over the burning hot shards of broken glass. Find a nice, clean, quiet place to do your work.


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________________________
So I’ve got to admit that life has taken an interesting turn this weekend…and I can’t say that I’m terribly surprised, indeed, I saw this one coming a long, long time ago – but I know that I wasn’t ready – indeed I’m not sure that I am ever going to be “ready” per se…but I am…well, I am something…a risk-taker…a mad minx…a complete nut-job if ever there was one…

See – here’s the thing – on top of all the rest of the madness that is my life - my Aunt is dying. Brain tumors…a few of them – and they’re now at the point that they are inoperable…so we’re just counting the days. She’s home from the hospital now…and in fine spirits – well, as best one can be given the circumstances…but she’s calm and peaceful – even though her body is falling apart at the veritable seams.

And for me, well, it helps put a ton of stuff in perspective when someone close to you is facing death sooner than later.

And I hate to say that I’m not particularly close to Aunt Susan – because I’m not…I’ve actually always thought she’s a little odd, truth told…but she is my family – and family is precious to me…and so I am the good niece and I pray for her and with her…and I offer all the love and support I am able to give.

That all said – despite the emotional roller coaster of a difficult week - I am pleased to report that I had a bloody spectacular weekend…and it was not what I had planned…and I’m honestly not sure how to ramble about it – what I can say right now is that I have a serious crush on a 13 year old – and it is 100% reciprocal…I mean we played Time Crisis this weekend …woo-hoo!…but oh, he is just such a good kid…and he’s going to be one hell of a man. I just adore him to the marrow of my bones…and heck, he even asked me to come back and stay for one of the week’s that he’s off school on holiday…so we can go skiing at Song together and play more video games…and watch more movies…and work on our bowling and pool techniques…

Yeppers – I’m seriously crushing on the boy.

And I’m more than a little in awe of his Father.

And no – I don’t want to ramble about it – because it’s not something that I can handle right now – because I’m not sure what it means –

But here’s the thing: I’m just being. I’m not thinking, I’m just enjoying the time that he’s so generously sharing with me…and I’m enjoying reading scholarly articles about German educators named Thun…and learning how to say I love you in Polish…and listening to spectacular music…and reading essays from presumptive college sophomores about Hobbes and Locke and Machiavelli and Gallileo…and spending a whole afternoons shopping for ingredients at the local farmer’s market and then making my mean lasagna…which I daresay had the best damn sauce this side of the Atlantic…it just all feels so normal…so much of what I’ve wanted for so long…and there it was, right in front of me – and there I was, right in it…

And yes, I do have the courage to ask the questions, and I am absolutely living the answers…and I’m so proud of me for growing up as I am so recently…I honestly believe that there is absolutely nothing that I couldn’t handle right now…but this thing with Peter? I don’t want to overanalyze it, because honestly, it doesn’t make any sense at all. I just know that I needed Kirk to pop back into my life just so I could tell him that if he couldn’t be all, he had to remain nothing to me, and I needed Dante to tell me that he loves me and then to pretty much rescind said weight of such words, and then I needed to spend a small fortune to outfit two of my favorite people on the planet with skiing stuff, and most of all, I needed Peter, I mean, Sebastian Monkey, I mean, “Dr. Petey” *grins*...I needed him to let me be the first to read his divorce decree...so that I could marvel on how kind my best friend is...and how damn lucky I am to have him…and to promise him that I would just be and not think too much anymore.

And that is a promise that I will keep.

Or rather, I will try to keep.

I will...I will...I will.

And I am very much looking forward to this week being calm and quiet. Granted, I have something on the calendar every night this week…but it should be relatively stress-free. Or at least I hope so – because too many roller coasters? Not a good thing at all…

onions

There are many things I am in this life….

A woman, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a bosslady, an Aunt, a lover, a student, a skier, a wordsmith, a teacher, a switch, an idealist, a hopeful romantic, an optimist, a fool…heck, Wombat dubs me a polymath…and RC, an Archetype….such kindness…such generosity….

But all too many masks…

When I know that I am so very much an onion…so much…so little…

And that onion?

possesses so little realism…

I am not the most realistic of lasses…but I am trying…

I am finding and learning about the courage to ask the questions and to live the answers…to ask them of myself and to ask them of others…

Do I love you?

Will I choose you if asked to make a choice?

Do you love me?

Will you choose me if asked to make a choice?

Will we fight for and with each other because it means something to us? Because it leads us to something more…

and so it is here…in this somewhat safe space, that I ramble…that I try to find meaning. That I contemplate those whom I have cared for and try to make sense of them…of me…because in my quest to be me, and to be with someone…well, first it begins with the mantra: know thyself.

I know that I am not perfect. That I have my quirks and that I carry a fair amount of baggage….fortunately, I can fit all that baggage into a space just a wee bit smaller than a carry-on if need be…because really, one doesn’t need much more than the here, now, to take on one’s next great adventure.

I’m about to head off this weekend into what I will only describe as a much needed respite from the roller coaster that is my life…it is important and necessary to disconnect…and to reconnect...I seek clarity…and solace…granted, it’s a long drive from here to there, but it is well worth the effort.

I find, this morning especially, that I wish to re-group – to put some perspective on my universe, and there is only one man on this planet who helps me put so much in place…and so, I seek his counsel…because he fortifies me.

It’s been an interesting week. I did not expect to hear that Kirk missed me, nor did I ever expect to be consulted on a very lucrative and rather risky business venture with my dear friend, Tim, nor approached to be a speaker with a national professional organization, and of all things, I certainly did not anticipate hearing someone I care for in my fashion tell me that he loves me.

“Impatient. Myopic. Impractical. Selfish. Arrogant.” …indeed…

There is something truly grand about how my life is playing out – even though it is a crazy, insane universe – I know that there are good things here – and better things to come.

And I know that I make seemingly insane choices – and most of the time I document them and it is herein that I attempt to work through them…and I posit theorems and hypotheticals to find what fits…

In any case…day from hell at the office ahead– I’m not sure when I looked more forward to a long, long drive to clear my head and re-prioritize my universe…